


I Can Dream About You

by LadyZephyr



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: AU, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Modern, Romance, kind of, there be no clones here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:42:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 61,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28409430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyZephyr/pseuds/LadyZephyr
Summary: Cosima Niehaus puts her wish out into the universe - after all it can't hurt to want something intentionally and see what comes back.  Delphine Cormier shows up in the university lab one day and she thinks, maybe, just maybe she's getting what she wished for in a way. There's just one little problem...
Relationships: Delphine Cormier/Cosima Niehaus
Comments: 144
Kudos: 104





	1. Dream, dream, dream

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I know I am starting something new. That is how my crazy likely ADHD brain works bouncing around various ideas and universes like a meerkat on crack. Give this a try, if you like. No guarantees of anything.

_Cosima_

_March 9 2018_

Cosima tries to hurry to the bar. She is late again. But her outfit is on point. She moves as quickly as she can in her high heeled boots, trying to be careful not to slip on the icy sidewalks on her way. 

  
“Why March.” Cosima grumbles. It is the worst month to have a birthday. Snow. Ice. Slush. Mud. Never good outdoor gathering weather. And unpredictable as fuck. At least tonight was supposed to be chill. Drinks and appetizers with friends and then back home to sleep off the inevitable hangover. 

Bobbi’s bar is easy enough to find, she catches herself on the metal rail when she slips on the stairs. Not salted properly. No surprise there. The door swings open easily.

  
“Sorry I’m late!” Cosima apologizes into the darkened bar. Oh shit. Not this. Why on earth had her friends thought this was a good idea?

The lights flick on, and more than 20 people begin clapping and there’s a huge embarrassing banner above their heads. And a large cake which looks like it’s from a bakery she’s familiar with. She should have known.

“Happy 30th Cos!” Sarah calls out above the crowd, leaning against a bar stool. Even Felix’s sister was here. 

“Happy birthday Cosima!” A group of friends chorus. She catches sight of a few, Jamie, Kyla, Owen, Kai… the whole gang. Both her queer friends and her straight ones. 

  
“Who did all this?” She asks between the hugs, as various friends press full shot glasses into her hands. Well… at least it’s getting started. Someone turns on the old fashioned stereo and some stupid disco starts playing. 

“I did.” Felix looks very pleased with himself. “And not all your American friends were easy to track down. There’s a video of remote wellwishers on the laptop. Including some of your exes. You’re welcome.”

  
“Exes too… yikes Fee.” Sarah teases her brother and cracks open a bottle of beer. Cosima moves to join them, hoping for a few more minutes of quiet before she’s drunk enough to start dancing no matter what the song. 

“Exes...great.” Cosima rolls her eyes. “Not quite what I want for my birthday.”

“Oh some of them were nice.” Felix comments. “Two want to murder you in your sleep. And Emi never wants to see you again. But other than that...all good.”

“Right… Well I am single again.” Cosima tells them. She’d been putting this off. A good month had gone by since she’d managed to get out and see her Toronto friends. She’s blamed work, her dissertation … everything else.

“So find another girl.” Sarah shrugs at her. “You don’t have a problem finding partners. You don’t look 25 never mind 30.”

  
Cosima just laughs in response. Her short stature is one of the reasons she’s developed her sense of style. The eyeliner, the dressier clothes, the dreads. Last thing she needs is to be mistaken for a 14 year old.

“Scratching post… you know… I think Kyla is single too and you know she’s pansexual…” Felix suggests pointing over to the named friend.

Been there, done that. Cosima thinks with a sigh. Not that Felix and Sarah need to know that they had hooked up twice three years ago. 

“No thanks.”  
  
“What? Not interested?” Felix feigns great shock. “Could it be your stupid PhD taking up all your time? Or just not feeling it? I mean… I get laid every few days… and it definitely helps with the self-esteem.”

“I just… I want a real connection, you know?” Cosima looks around and her friends, more than two thirds brought partners to this. Sex was great and all… when it was good. When it was lousy, it wasn’t worth having. And it seemed her standards had risen the last few years.

“So no more Shay from OKCupid?”

“Uhh no. No thanks.” Cosima laughs. “The sex was good but it just wasn’t _enough_ . Plus I need a partner who gets me. Or at the very least _supports_ me. I need to finish my dissertation and my PhD comes first.” She knows she couldn’t get what she needed there. Another six months of her life wasted on the wrong person maybe. But at least it had been fun. 

“So you want another academic?” Sarah laughs while taking a swig of beer. “Another geek monkey?”

“Geek monkey squared.” Scott chuckles from his barstool nearby as he slowly drinks what looks to be a very fruity drink with an umbrella. “Sorry… no more interrupting.”

  
“Nah it’s OK, Scotty.” Cosima lays a hand on his shoulder before continuing. No sense in offending all her friends. Especially the one who definitely did the bakery run if the cake theme was any indication. “Umm kind of? I’ve had strong connections before. But only a couple of times.” Cosima admits. “And I am totally willing to let things grow… I just want a deeper connection. A real… love of my life sort of deal. Only you know, now when I am ready for it. Not when I was like 20 and stupid…” 

“You’re not going to find one studying babies.” Felix scoffs. “Everyone you meet in your lab is straight and married! Most have kids. And then there’s you. The token lesbian.”

“First, nobody calls me that. Second, I’m studying the evolutionary process of humans being able to react to their environments. It’s neuroscience.” Cosima sighs, sick of explaining why she was working with infants. “And there’s a shit ton of brain development in the first two years of life. And like...pure human instinct.”

“Right...right... ” Sarah laughs. “My four year old will still run into traffic on occasion. They don’t have self-preservation skills. And she’s clever too…. Like her dad.”

“And they’re cute.” Bobbi announces settling another round of drinks on the table. “Sorry, couldn’t help overhearing. My nephew is adorable. Auntie life is the best.”

Cosima laughs, used to the jibes. It was just research. “I’m no one’s auntie. I’m just collecting data.” There was no way she was going to admit how much she was enjoying her work. No way. 

‘So what is this dream woman like?” Sarah teases.

  
“Fictional!” Felix butts in after his sister, before leaning back, realizing that Cosima is going to answer.

Cosima considers. She’d had her share of encounters and love affairs. “An academic of some kind, maybe a scientist like me. One who wouldn’t be weirded out by my subjects being mother-infant dyads. Someone who knows what epigenetics and microbiomes are. And like...a real emotional connection, something deeper. Like more profound.. I mean I want physical attraction too, but just like…more.”

“Mmmm good luck finding your dream girl.” Sarah chuckles into her beer.

“It’s not like I expect some brilliant beautiful lesbian or bisexual woman to just show up at the lab one day.” Cosima sighs. “I go to the grad student events but haven’t really clicked with anyone. My last three online dates were disasters. I didn’t even sleep with them.” She hadn’t admitted that until now but found she suddenly really didn’t want to.

“Keep trying online.” Felix suggests. “It’ll narrow your selection to other queer women.”

“I mean I have and I am… but online you get sneaky couples looking for unicorns - yuck, that’s a hard no. And then there’s poly folk looking for additional partners… which if I just wanted sex would be fun. But I don’t just want sex. I want the whole package deal, including commitment.” Cosima gestures emphatically, in almost obscene motions. Oh well. Maybe she’s already getting a bit drunk.

“So what you want...is a wife?” Felix looks back at her unamused. 

“Umm I’ll start with a girlfriend and go from there but yes. Eventually, I want a wife.” Cosima admits. “I’m 30 now… come on this isn’t shocking.”

“Oooh tough order.” Sarah laughs. “Good luck with that.”

“Got to start somewhere.” Cosima smiles. And maybe putting it out into the universe that that’s what she wants is enough of a start. 

She’s quickly dragged onto the small dingy dance floor and begins to groove, arms arcing in paced movements as she moves her body to the improved playlist. It is her birthday after all, and it’s not a weeknight, and she’s going to make the best of it. She dances with various friends, is fairly certain someone kisses her but her interest in pursuing that further is absolute zero. 

Eventually, cake eaten and far too much alcohol consumed Cosima makes her way to the subway. It’s only a quick ride home to her bachelor apartment not far from campus. Her mind spinning with former lovers and future possibilities. On timing and compatibility and sheer dumb luck. She had no trouble attracting lovers or sex partners of any gender. Attracting someone who could hold her attention was another matter.

All in all, she’d ended up OK. More than OK academically and with the life she has. Somehow a more permanent partner was one of the only things that had fallen through the cracks. Opportunities missed. Great people at wrong times. Totally natural. And then the ones she’d been with longer term had been ultimately incompatible in some way or another.

“OK universe… “ Cosima mumbles drunkenly out into the night. “You know what I want for my birthday. Now you do your part.”


	2. Don't Know Why

_ April 28th 2018 _

_ Delphine  _

Four days. Delphine thinks as she tries to navigate her way around an unfamiliar campus. She’d only landed here four days ago, gotten off the plane and started to put together a new life for herself. But this research seemed perfect. The perfect post-doctorate fellowship. Research and a bit of teaching. Part of her still wasn’t sure why she’d decided to go all the way to Canada. A transatlantic flight and a rented furnished apartment. It would be weeks before she’d gain her bearings here. Likely longer before it started to feel like home.    
  
What had she done? Delphine tries to calm her mind as she continues looking for the office. How can it be this hard to find? This is the right department?

“I am looking for Dr. Yamashita?” She asks the department administrator, and is quickly shown down the hall to a small office. Too many buildings, too much city. But she will learn it. It’s just new.

  
The door is open, but she knocks anyway. She catches sight of a small middled-aged woman sorting through her emails. She hopes Dr. Yamashita has had the time to check her emails. She does not want to show up early and unannounced. 

“Welcome!” Dr. Yamashita greets her happily. “I’m so pleased you decided to join our study Dr. Cormier. I was expecting you to take a week or two to get settled, but I’m happy to have you start a little early.”

“Thank you.” Delphine smiles readily. 

“It’ll be a good post-doc for you!” Dr. Yamashita rattles on. “We are equipped to analyze whatever samples you collect. Adding microbiome data to the experiment excites us all. And I would appreciate whatever you can bring to my research. That will be the priority of your post-doctorate here.”

“Yes well, I will need access to the data you’ve collected on the subjects before I begin. On anything.” Delphine asks. She wants to get started. Desperately wants something to do. Something to fill her time here. 

“Of course.” Dr. Yamashita nods. “I understand completely. Follow me and I will show you our labs.”

Delphine nods happily and moves to follow teh “How are you sorting them?”

“Formula fed vs breastfed.” Dr. Yamashita states simply. “We aren’t sure where to categorize the combination fed infants so they’re a third category at the moment. I’m looking at the physiology and biochemistry of the mother-infant dyads. So it’ll be my research offending everyone. Your microbiome studies will be much more palatable.”

“We need them divided by method of birth, that affects the microbiome, and further by method of feeding - probably four categories of feeding type. To better control the results.” Delphine assures her. “The data was collected?”

“Yes. Yes. We have the initial intake questionnaire and an update one at each session.”

“Good. Will I be working alone?” Delphine asks, moving quickly to try to keep up with Dr. Yamashita as they move across campus.

“No, we share the lab with Dr. Hughes, he’s a developmental psychologist, and we have a few PhD students doing dissertations on developmental subjects. They’re using our subjects. Many of the same subjects volunteer. We recruited the mothers while pregnant or within the first six weeks postpartum. Some of the subjects in the developmental studies were recruited later.”

“So I will be working with your students?” Delphine figures she may as well get as much clarity as possible on the project. It was clearly going to consume her life for the next year or two. But it would be a good beginning, and then she would have better footing to secure an academic or research position on either side of the pond.

Dr. Yamashita considers as she swipes her key card to enter the lab building. “Sometimes. You’ll collect your data and they’ll be running their experiments. It is best we communicate well with them.”

“Of course, I can work well with anyone.” Delphine assures her. And she knows she can, she is used to dealing with various egos and personalities. She is good at smoothing things over. At making things work. 

“Good to hear. Let’s give you the tour!” Dr. Yamashita shows her around the lab. “So these are the dev psych labs. As you see they’re set up for parents and babies coming in and out.”    
  
Delphine looks around, she sees what looks like a waiting area with various baby toys, no doubt to help the tots and parents acclimate. She sees a man working on some files. The lab is, happily, empty of parents and tots at the moment. She isn’t sure she has the energy for that on her first day. 

“Hi! I’m Daniel!” A tall middle-aged greets her. She realizes he must be the Dr. Daniel Hughes she’d heard about.

“Hello. I am Dr. Delphine Cormier.” Delphine emphasizes her title. She’s worked hard for it and won’t minimize it. She reaches forward and shakes his hand firmly. 

Dr. Yamashita jumps in to complete the introduction. “Dr. Cormier will be doing our hard science side, looking at the microbiomes. And helping with my research for her post-doc.”

“I look at more neuroscience.” Daniel tells her. “Of the babies only. I look at altruism, empathy, pro-social behaviour.”

Delphine nods politely not really understanding how one could study such a thing in infants. But clearly there was some way to do so.

“Anyway welcome!” Daniel is enthusiastic, he moves to quickly shake her hand.

“Thank you.” Delphine answers.

“Your English is quite good.” Daniel comments unasked. “Naomi said you were from France.”

“I am, yes.” Delphine confirms, it takes her a minute to realize he is talking about Dr. Yamashita. “My plane landed four days ago. I’m eager to get to work.” That much is true, she was becoming extensively bored with nothing but the promise of work to alleviate it.

“Fantastic. Have you been to Canada before?” Daniel is gregarious, clearly. And Delphine takes a moment to assess his interest before noting a wedding band. Pleased, she continues their chatter. 

“Non. But I have an uncle in the states, he’s married to an American. I’ve visited him before.” Delphine concedes. “But not in many years.” She suspects she’ll have to make the time to visit her uncle, aunt and now teenaged cousins at some point. But it’s a trip she’s not eager to make for a multitude of reasons.

“Well good, good.” Daniel comments. “So are you good with children?”

“Umm I was.” Delphine mutters in surprise. The question takes her aback. Why was this relevant?

“I tend to intimidate them… The height. The beard.” Daniel sighs. “I have to do an acclimatization every time we bring a parent-infant pair into the lab.”

“Yes, well….Delphine will be working with me.” Dr Yamashita reminds him. “She will be working with samples more than the babies. And some of our participants aren’t quite local.”

“Of course, if you’re interested you can sit in on the dev psych experiments.” Daniel offers. “I have two graduate students doing a lot. Either one of them could show you the ropes. They are both excellent.”

“Let’s let Delphine get settled in first.” Dr Yamashita insists to her colleague.

“Of course.” Daniel agrees. “It was great to meet you. I will see you around.”

Delphine agrees politely nodding, wanting to make a good first impression. And then it begins, she is shown around and makes a quick series of notes. Eager to get to work she reviews a few case files in a small office attached to the laboratory.

“And this will be your office space, for now.” Dr. Yamashita tells her. “I am working to get you access to my office and a shared office for your teaching hours. But the lab will do fine for now. You won’t be teaching a course until September.”

  
“Plenty of time to prepare.” Delphine quips, and continues her review. Dr. Yamashita is kind, but professional and after spending a few hours with the woman she is pleased with her choice to come here. Certainly better than some of her other options. 

  
Finally, exhausted, she thanks Dr. Yamashita for her time and begins the trek home. She’d rented a furnished apartment not far from campus for the first six months. Feeling that this was the best and easiest first step to get settled here in Canada. 

“Now what…” Delphine mumbles to herself as she ascends the stairs to the apartment. The furnishings are all very modern, and inexpensive. It’s not her style at all, but settling in in a new country will take time. She knew this going in. Knew that it would be harder than staying in the EU and working there. And yet, something about this posting appealed to her more. A year here and then what? 

Sighing, she glances at the time. It is not yet too late across the Atlantic. Smiling, she picks up her phone and texts Louis. She knows he keeps late hours, that he will still be awake. 

  
“Skype?”

In a few minutes he responds. “Oui.” And she goes to her computer to flick it on. At least there’s modern technology. 

  
  



	3. Oh, no not now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the lyrics to Stray Italian Greyhound by Vienna Teng.

_ Cosima _

_ May 3 2018 _

Cosima moves quickly across the quad, heeled boots clicking on the pavement as she half-runs for the lab. She’s late. Very late and she definitely has work to do for Dr. Hughes today. It’s not even for her own experiment. But it’ll do.

  
“Hey…” Cosima apologizes. She waves pleasantly at her supervisor who with a look has her rushing to get to work. They’ll need all hands today, Madison - the other graduate student is hovered near the always empty extra office for whatever reason. Who knows why Madison did anything? Maybe she was running something for Dr. Yamashita? 

Her phone begins to vibrate just as she’s setting up the experiment room. She checks it. A text from Felix.

  * Up for drinks tonight or too busy prowling for a wife?



Cosima snorts quietly. She was never going to live that drunken statement down. Even though Felix had said it first. 

  * Just working in the lab. Can’t tonight - I have plans.



She has plans. So what if her plans involve a joint and putting her feet up? It’s not like anyone else needs to know that. Cosima busies herself setting up the room, including a few ramps at various heights. But it’s not ready yet.

“We’ve got babies. I hope you two are ready.” Daniel tells them. “Madison, come with me to do the forms. Cosima? You have no more than fifteen minutes to have the room ready.”

“It’ll be done.” Cosima promises. She rushes to finish just as the first pair arrives. She ensures the videography equipment is turned on and gets to work assessing her ten month old subject and his mother. First she plays with the baby and his mother, putting both of them at ease quickly. She was good at this part. Probably why Dr. Hughes wanted her to do this. For whatever reason she typically put the parents and infants at ease much quicker than Madison.

Absentmindedly she wonders what hooking up the parent to electrodes would show. But that’s not this experiment. Her subject performs as expected, based on his age. And she cleans up, just in time for the next subject.

Finally, Cosima takes a break outside sitting on a picnic table. She grabs a tea and a muffin and opts to eat her packed lunch outside. It was nice enough, and she might as well enjoy the spring while she can. She sees Madison in the distance with some blonde woman and waves at them, hoping that they do not come over. She wonders how Madison’s experiment is going. Cosima hasn’t seen Madison work directly with the babies in weeks, not since she’d taken time off to get married. She sighs, lowering her gaze back to her notes and her phone.

Cosima pulls out her phone and flips through her OKCupid app. A few messages but nothing intriguing. Only one of the women seems to be serious at all and she’s young enough to be an undergraduate. Her other messages are from couples or women in open relationships- who have opted to ignore everything she’s written on her profile about not being interested. How many times could one write that they were only interested in monogamy and women? Why didn’t people fucking read her profile?

The universe, it seemed, wasn’t eager to just throw an appropriate woman into her world. In fact, so far, leaving things up to the universe has done exactly shit. She slowly makes her way back to the lab, intending on setting up in one of the offices between the two lab areas to try to work on her records but they’re all locked. Even the notoriously empty one. 

“Uhh Daniel… why is the office locked?”

“Dr. Yamashita has a new post-doctoral fellow.” Daniel seems uncharacteristically irritated. “Remember?”

“Right….right…” Cosima remembers being told about this vaguely weeks ago but doesn’t recall ever learning the woman’s name. If it was even a woman. With the biology side, she was never sure what was going on. She knew Dr. Yamashita had one graduate student, Scott Smith, but she never saw him working outside the lab. He seemed to always be running something for her. But never did write ups on this side. Or in the offices. 

“Go help Madison.” Daniel instructs. “She needs an extra pair of hands.”

Cosima shrugs, and moves across the room to find Madison. “OK. Hey Madison, do you need help?”

“Sure. Thanks Cosima.” Madison hollers from the other room. “Can you go through this footage with me?” This is definitely Madison’s dissertation, Cosima realizes after a few minutes but her annoyance fades into polite interest. They’ve always gotten on well enough. Today was no different.

A couple of hours later and they’re finally wrapping it up.

“Well it looks good.” Cosima tells her. “I think your experiment is pretty solid.” Madison had started her PhD around the same time, and in a lot of ways, it was good to be running your research in tandem with another student. Especially when you could share subjects and basically use the same ethics proposals.

“I’m not sure I’ll get it done in time.” Madison grimaces. “September isn’t too far away now. And I won’t be done by then.” 

Cosima scoffs. “Dude… PhDs often take six or seven years. You’re what? Three years in?” It is early days, for both of them. There’s no reason to rush this as long as they keep getting TA gigs and funding. 

Madison looks at her shaking her head. “I’m pregnant… due in September so…”

“Wow I guess you and - “ Cosima stops trying to remember the name of Madison’s partner. She’d only met the man twice. “The husband must be happy.” And clearly had a very merry Christmas, Cosima thinks to herself. 

“We are. Absolutely.” Madison is quick to confirm. “Just not going to help with my research. Or finishing anything, and you know Chris… He’s an engineer so he doesn’t think I need to finish my PhD… that it can wait… and we only have a one bedroom condo…”

Cosima listens to Madison rattle on for several minutes and comes to the unpleasant conclusion that this pregnancy probably wasn’t planned. 

“I don’t know dude, your own personal research subject. 24/7 access… might work out.” Cosima teases, trying to be as upbeat as possible. She doesn’t want to get on Madison’s bad side, especially if she’s going to be increasingly hormonal. 

“Anyway… I have to get home for dinner. My doctor has me taking diclectin. Otherwise I just keep vomiting.” Madison gets up to leave.

There’s just one thing she has to check. “Does Daniel know?” Cosima doesn’t want to be the asshole that accidentally spilled the beans. Though maybe that’s why Daniel has been more irritable lately. 

“Everyone knows. We announced it on Facebook and Instagram last week.” Madison looks at her pointedly. “I’m starting to show…”

“Yeah… I’m on like a social media break.” Cosima invents wildly. It’s half-true anyway. She doesn’t think Madison looks any different, maybe bigger boobs but she purposely tries not to look there. No matter what her fellow graduate student is wearing.

“Right. See you tomorrow Cosima. Bye.” Madison gathers her bag and laptop and goes to leave.

“Bye!” Cosima waves her off. Well that’s going to be a thing. Cosima thinks to herself. No doubt it would increase her workload. She wonders if she’ll have to take over the course Madison currently TAs. 

Cosima cleans up the experiment space, and tries her best to organize things for tomorrow. She doesn’t think she has any subjects tomorrow but knows Madison does. Maybe she’ll hit the library before she has to TA developmental psychology for Daniel. And then there are the office hours. Always something, at least it was a summer course. Always fewer students but they tended to be either keen or trying to make up a failed class. Someone always showed up.

“You’re both still here?” Daniel looks around. “It’s getting late, Cosima. You should go home. Or at least leave the lab so I can lock up.”

“No… Madison went home.” Cosima brushes off her advisor standing up. “It’s just me.”

“Come over here.” Daniel waves her over impatiently. He’s standing with the door open from the dev psych lab to the actual lab space. Or close to it. Maybe Dr. Yamashita is needing a hand with something? That might be fun. Get to put on a lab coat and run samples. She hasn't had the chance to do that in months.  


Cosima does, walking out to the shared entryway where she finally notices Daniel isn’t alone. She sees the same head of blonde curls in a lab coat. Maybe the same woman who was walking with Madison at lunch.

“Delphine, meet Cosima Niehaus. My other graduate student.” Dr. Hughes introduces them flippantly. “You’ve somehow managed to not see each other for days. So it was time to make the introduction.”

Cosima stares across the lab, taking the woman in as she turns to face her. The curled hair, dyed blonde and remaining light brown at the roots. Her mouth goes dry as she takes her in. Cosima opens and closes her mouth several times unable to find the words. Her brain short circuits as she takes in Delphine. This...this is not what she was expecting, if she was expecting anything at all. 

Dr. Hughes looks between them for a moment. “Are you two alright?” His usually gregarious nature fading into a sort of concern as he regards them.

The face is too familiar. The decade since they’ve seen each other having only minimally changed Delphine. Cosima stops stunned for a moment, she wasn’t expecting this. Delphine’s eyes widen and her mouth opens slightly, looking back with the same kind of shock. Oh shit. Cosima thinks to herself. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“We’ve met.” Delphine manages to get out in shock. “A long time ago.”

“Wonderful.” Dr Hughes tells them delightedly, or maybe eager to get the hell out of there now that it’s clearly awkward. “Well, I’ll leave you two to get reacquainted. Please remember to lock up, Cosima.” 

“Bonjour Cosima. Enchantée.” Delphine stifly holds out her hand. Cosima shakes it and then regards the blonde with amusement. 

Daniel hastily makes his exit, no doubt making his own assumptions but Cosima cannot stop looking at Delphine. The high heeled boots make her even taller, face perhaps a little less rounded and a few fine lines at the creases of her eyes. But it’s still Delphine. And she can’t quite decide how she feels about it.

“Delphine… you don’t need to be so formal with me. We’ve met. It’s good to see you.  _ Surprising _ but good.” Cosima tries to be kind. Welcoming. She tries to steel herself against the sudden flood of memories and old feelings. Woah. Clearly the universe has a perverse sense of humour. She didn’t ask for  _ this _ .

“Not...professionally,” Delphine insists. “We don’t really know each other.”

“We  _ did _ know each other though.” Cosima points out. There’s no way Delphine had forgotten her either. She’s certain. 

“What...what are you doing here?” Delphine asks Cosima, her calm façade starting to slip.

“My PhD.” Cosima sasses back, knowing she cannot push too far. If they’re going to be working in the same building they have to be able to coexist.

Delphine begins to shake her head slightly, beginning to gesture nervously. “You’re  _ supposed _ to be in California!”

Cosima laughs. “I’m not rooted in the ground. I’ve bounced around the continent a bit. I came here to start my PhD and work with Dr. Hughes.”

“How long have you been in Canada?” Delphine asks, her voice still uneasy.

“Three years. Student visa.” Cosima responds, she eases herself back to lean against the wall. On a sudden whim she changes tacts. “Do you want to go get dinner with me? We could catch up… I’ll answer whatever you want me to.” Maybe it could even be fun. Maybe it wouldn’t have to be awkward.

Delphine’s eyes widen in panic. “No! I can’t.”

“Suit yourself. I’m starving… so I’m going to go. See you later Delphine.” Cosima tries to be as nonchalant as possible, letting her hips swing a little more than necessary as she leaves the laboratory. She wonders if Delphine is watching her. If Delphine might change her mind and follow.  Either way she cannot look back, has to be calm. Has to be better than her younger self ever was. The universe has a fucking horrible sense of humour.

  
  



	4. You must be out of your mind

_Delphine_

_May 3 2018_

Delphine manages to get from the lab home, unsure of how she got there. She does remember locking up the lab, Cosima hadn’t and she’d managed to do that much. She barely remembers the walk home from campus. She locks and deadbolts the door, moves quickly through her apartment after a bottle of wine. She has one, was saving it for a date or when she had guests. Her evening plan of a quiet dinner and reading suddenly vanished.

She quickly fiddles with her corkscrew, opening the bottle and pours it into the largest wine glass she can find. She takes a long sip of the wine, not really bothering to aerate it for flavour. It’s this or cigarettes, Delphine sighs. And quitting smoking a third time would be a hassle she doesn’t need. 

Cosima. Here. The two words shouldn’t go together. It cannot be. Delphine sighs, taking another long slow swig of wine. She is fairly certain she is awake, and that this is actually happening. Cosima. Here. Cosima… Working in the lab. Cosima with dreadlocks and the same damn smile, looking like she hadn’t aged at all. How? And why?

She thinks back to her youth, to her teenage summers spent on the west coast of the United States, at her uncle’s houses. In San Diego and Los Angeles. And to the very last summer, the one she met Cosima. 

  
Delphine moves quickly into her room, changing her clothes. Choosing a more youthful look and putting in large hoop earrings. She pulls on a sweater over her camisole and a red skirt. She was going out. _Now_. Before she lost her nerve or began navel-gazing in old painful memories. First to get a quick bite somewhere and then to a bar. Somewhere she wouldn’t have to think. Wouldn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. And preferably the company of a man. 

  
She uses her phone to choose a bar fairly close to campus, one with good reviews known for dancing and loud music. She applies a bit of makeup, wanting to look just a bit younger than she actually is and sets out. The sun is still up and she knows she’s just slightly buzzed. But being alone or even just Skyping someone wasn’t enough. Not now.

Delphine stops at a nearby pub, quickly getting herself seated. She needs to eat something but her mind is working the way it should. She convinces herself it is just the alcohol, and that she’d drank on an empty stomach. She quickly orders and continues flicking through her social media absentmindedly. It’s not terrible. She reads a few interesting articles before her food arrives, and she begins to eat. 

She thinks she catches sight of dark dreadlocks and a red dress coming back from the direction of the restrooms but she ignores it, looks pointedly down at her phone. She must be seeing things. She is obsessing over Cosima and simply thinks she sees her.

  
“Delphine?” The too familiar voice calls. “What are you doing here?”   
  
She looks up to see Cosima sitting in a nearby booth with a lanky young man who appeared to be wearing women’s skinny jeans. A couple of other people sit with them, but she immediately lowers her head again. No not this. A city of 2.9 million people and she is in the same pub where Cosima has decided to get dinner with friends. This isn’t fair. This shouldn’t happen. 

“Cosima.” Delphine repeats, before flagging down the server. It turned out she was getting her food to go.

“Do you… want to join us?” Cosima asks, face surprised as ever. “You don’t have to go. You can have dinner with us.”

“Non… I have plans.” Delphine reiterates. She cannot do this. Doesn’t want to do this. Never wants to do this. 

“Delphine… it’s OK.” Cosima tries briefly to convince her before one of her friends tells her to not bother and that is that.

She takes her food to go, needing to get out of there as quickly as possible. The first solution in her drunken mind is ridiculous but seems like it might expunge thoughts of Cosima. She continues to the bar, hoping things go as quickly as possible. 

At the bar she sits, stirring her drink. She lets herself be approached by several men until she decides the third one will do. He is tall with dark hair with a fit body and a pleasant face. It’s quick after that, he asks her to dance, buys her another drink. Before they’ve made it to the cab his hands are on her and so are his lips. She grips the fabric of his shirt, she suspects he’s a little younger than she is but doesn’t care right now. He doesn’t ask her age, only her name and she plays with him, flirting, until he decides to sleep with her. It doesn’t take long, it never does.

“What is your name?” She asks the young man, not for the first time in the cab. But she cannot remember. Her mind keeps wandering. Going places she doesn’t want it to go. After ensuring the young man has condoms, she lets him take her home. 

“Shawn.” He repeats, and kisses her again. He leads her to an apartment in an older building. There are several units and she doesn’t doubt this young man has at least one housemate. The apartment looks to be a two bedroom, but she hopes they won’t be disturbed. 

Throws herself into rough kisses, Delphine undresses him quickly, teasing at his erection for a few minutes before looking up at him finding him not reacting much to her gentle teasing. It takes her drunken mind another minute to realize he’s circumcised and she’s trying to stimulate flesh that isn’t there. Delphine tries something else but she isn’t aggressive enough for his tastes, she is too used to European men she supposes. He pushes her back onto a messy bed.

“Either suck me off or let me fuck you.” He tells her, pushing her hand away. 

“Fuck me.” Delphine tells him, undressing quickly. But she doesn’t even really want that. She wants this over. He touches her a bit with his hand, but she’s unenthusiastic and difficult to fully arouse. She takes her bra off, but leaves her skirt on and he seems fine with that. He attaches his mouth to her nipples and sucks for far too long to be sexy. What does it matter? It’s only a one-night stand. It will be fast. No sense drawing it out.

“Put on a condom.” She instructs clearly. And she makes sure he does, she kisses him again, pushing her tongue into his mouth as she slides down on his length. She attempts to retain control of the encounter, to stay on top and set the pace.

“You’re such a tease.” He whines as she’s riding him and he flips her onto her back with ease. He isn’t a great lover, Delphine acknowledges, both impatient and a little rough, but she tries her best to get what she wants out of the encounter even when he’s pushed himself on top of her and pinned her wrists. But his sense of rhythm seems nonexistent and his fingers too clumsy to manage things, even as he rubs vigorously at her clit trying to get her off as he turns increasingly bent on achieving his own orgasm.

In the end, she fakes it, crying out loudly and digging her nails into his back. She’s eager to bring it to its conclusion before she gets too sore. He comes with a grunt and pounds into her a few more times. Her mind never stops spinning, never eases and it’s a disappointment. All of it. She feels disgusting but waits for him to finish completely and pull out of her.

“That was so hot. I came so hard.” Shawn laughs at her. He pulls out, and throws out the condom. It’s a relief, she tries to pass off her relief as satisfaction.

She looks at him in the dim light of the room. He’s still somewhat attractive but less so by the minute. She’s not sure she’ll remember him at all in a couple months and maybe that’s for the best. This was a terrible idea. Why had she thought this would help?

“It was.” Delphine lies. She is not drunk enough for this either, she decides. She’s slowly sobering up and regretting this encounter more by the minute. Maybe she should have had that fourth drink.

“So are you really French? From France?” He asks her eagerly. So that was why he was so enthused, that or he’s drunk too.

“Oui. Only been in Canada a couple weeks.” Delphine nods, beginning to collect her clothes. She puts her bra back on and roots around the messy room for the rest of her clothing.

  
“Oh… you’re leaving? Can I get your number?” Maybe she feigned being into him too much. She was not interested in a repeat performance. 

“I have to go…” Delphine tells him. She is rebuttoning her blouse and retrieves her black lace underwear off the floor. This was a mistake. A terrible mistake.

  
“Shame… I could go for more of that… you know, when I can get it up again. Do you want to order a pizza? Can I fuck your ass?”

She just shakes her head no. She couldn’t but doesn’t want to offend him either. It’s not like she'll have to see him ever again. Hopefully. And she’s certainly not going to agree to more sex of any kind with him.

“Uhhh… Your phone is going off. Someone named Louis.” Shawn mispronounces Louis as Lewis as he glances down at the floor and Delphine tries not to laugh. It’s inappropriate. She should feel guilt of some kind, instead her mind wanders back to Cosima. That is awful timing. Shawn seems offended by it and maybe that’s for the best.

“I’ll call him back later.” Delphine quickly brushes it off. She certainly doesn’t want to talk to Louis right now either. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone. She suddenly wants to be alone. 

“Well… bye I guess. Thanks for the fantastic fuck.” Shawn lays back naked on his bed, leaving himself exposed. As if he’s trying to tempt her into more sex. 

Delphine murmurs a goodbye but doesn’t bother to kiss him again. It wasn’t good enough. Wasn’t satisfying the way she’d hoped. And she couldn’t stop thinking. Not about Cosima. Not about anything. 

She finds she’s little sore as she makes her way home via taxi. At least she doesn’t run into Cosima again, and showering and sleeping the only things left to do. She washes herself, wanting every trace of sweat and fluids scrubbed from her skin. When she’s sufficiently cleaned she slips naked into her bed. Delphine stares at the ceiling before going to finish the bottle of wine. She may have to live with herself but she doesn’t have to do that sober. 

Her phone goes off again, so she silences it and shoves it between the couch cushions to muffle the vibration. She’ll dig it out and make up some excuse to tell Louis tomorrow. It can wait.

In bed by herself she remembers, but out of sequence. Crying on a plane that stupid necklace clasped in her hand. Cosima dancing. Driving to San Diego in her uncle’s car. Cosima’s bright face hovering close to hers. It’s all muddled, Delphine thinks as she finally falls asleep. 

  
  



	5. When you were young

_Cosima_

_May 7 2018_

Cosima wanders semi-reluctantly into the lab. She glances around, looking out for Delphine. Delphine had apparently called in sick the previous Friday. Seeing her at the pub had been unexpected but it seemed to unravel Delphine further. Cosima hopes Delphine was just a little hungover and not really sick… or avoiding her.

Even Dr. Hughes isn’t in yet. She goes to the office which she has since realized is now Delphine’s and finds only Dr. Yamashita going through some of the files, her dark head bowed. 

“Hey Dr. Yamashita.” Cosima greets the scientist.

“Hello Cosima.” She looks up to smile at her. “Good morning, you’re here early.”

“How goes your offensive research?” Cosima jibes gently, but she is interested in it. It’s important, as much as it might offend.

“Well.” Dr Yamashita laughs. “Dissertation going well?”

“Pretty well.” Cosima nods. 

“Madison back in?”

“Yeah just… I think she has an OB appointment today.” Cosima shrugs. It’s something she’ll have to get used to. But it won’t affect her own research.

“I heard. I’ve been reassuring her she can do both.” Dr Yamashita smiles. “I have a ten year old son. I managed both. So can Madison.”

Cosima nods. She assumes Dr. Yamashita’s kid was planned but with straight people who the hell knew.

“You’ve met Dr. Cormier?”

“Yeah. Yeah, on Thursday.” Cosima nods, trying to not out Delphine. Just in case. Dr. Yamashita doesn’t have patience for decade old dyke drama.

“I want you to show her the dev psych experiment. I want her to have a broader understanding of the research here.”

“Uhh why not Madison?” Cosima tries to weasel out of it. 

“Madison’s got more than enough on her plate. And you have a broader science background. You’ll show Dr. Cormier the dev psych side. I suspect you’d be interested in her research as well.”

“Probably will. I’ll show Delphine when she gets in.” Cosima nods pleasantly. She can manage this, she can get along with Delphine. She begins organizing her notes and loads up a video example of one of her recent research subjects in preparation. She can present it all to Delphine when she gets in this morning. 

“Hey Delphine.” Cosima greets Delphine when she enters the lab. Delphine seems OK enough, if a little taken aback when she greets her.

  
“Cosima.” Delphine nods, and Cosima remembers. How it felt to have Delphine say her name like that. In that voice, with that accent. She takes a deep breath to clear her mind.

“Dr. Yamashita asked that I show you the neuroscience/dev psych side. Do you have time this morning?”

“I do… yes.” Delphine agrees and reluctantly sits herself down beside her. Something about the way Delphine moves, her uncertainty makes Cosima’s heart respond. Well that was unexpected. Cosima thinks to herself.

  
“Hey… it’s OK, Delphine.” Cosima reaches one hand out to pat Delphine’s shoulder, but thinks better of it before her hand makes contact. If Delphine is that uneasy just seeing her, even a casual touch is likely to be unwelcome.

“So… show me your research.”  
  


“Gladly.” Cosima flicks on the video. “So I’m looking at the infant’s ability to respond to changes in their environment. Mom or dad is always present in the room, so the child feels secure enough to explore. Hopefully. Then we spring an unexpected obstacle on them. Or an unfamiliar object.” Cosima prattles on, showing the infants climbing and interacting. 

  
“It is… more sophisticated than it looks.” Delphine acknowledges. “I am surprised.”  
  


“Yeah. Well, the baby climbs things they can’t handle solo or they don’t. They engage with new objects, or they don’t. I also make a note of parent-child interactions in the space but the parent is given a list of behaviours not to engage in. So no encouragement or instructions.”  
  


“Right. So the parent cannot aid the child. Are you looking for a fear response?” 

  
“No just engagement and interaction.” Cosima summarizes. “Anyway… I’ll show you the space.” Cosima gestures and motions for Delphine to follow her. It’s as awkward as she anticipated, but she tries to treat Delphine like anyone else interested in their research. And she thinks she does a good job.

  
The door swings open, and the relief in both of them at not being alone together anymore is palpable.

Madison comes in, clearly upset. Cosima flips around. “What happened? Is everything OK with the fetus?”

She can tell Delphine’s glaring at her but really that’s nothing new. Maybe she should call it a baby. But somehow she can resist being a bit offbeat about it all.

Madison nods. “The baby looks great. We finally had a redo of the anatomy scan. The good news is the foot looks normal now. And everything looks great. Chris is just really disappointed. He just dropped me off on his way back to work.”

Cosima looks at Madison cluelessly. “Why?”

“Because the baby is a girl.” Madison sobs again and Cosima pats her back for a minute. She remembers why she doesn’t like Chris and sighs. What a turd. 

“He will get over it.” Delphine jumps in to reassure her. “He is disappointed, it will pass.”

“Dude needs to chill.” Cosima grimaces. “A girl isn’t a disappointment.” It’s all a matter of chromosomes, and that shouldn’t offend anybody. It didn’t even necessarily mean anything about the baby other than how they were going to pee anyway.

“We agreed, early in pregnancy that with our jobs and wanting to stay in the city we were only going to have one kid. Like we’re looking for a two bedroom condo. We are staying in the city.” Madison gets out between her tears. “Now he’s started talking about trying again for a boy.”

“You haven’t even had the first one yet…” Cosima shakes her head. 

“He will get over it.” Delphine repeats. “He probably just needs time to get excited about a daughter. You’ll smooth it over.”

“He was supposed to book a vasectomy as soon as we have the baby.” Madison mutters. “I don’t think he’ll do it now.”

Cosima pats Madison’s back again. “You’ll work it out.” Or you’ll leave his misogynistic ass, Cosima adds to herself.

“I need a minute.” Madison gets up to leave. “I have subjects coming in and I need ...I need to pull myself together.” Madison excuses herself to the washroom. And Cosima is left standing next to Delphine.

“Straight people.” Cosima sighs. “What a load of shit. Straight men are the worst sometimes. Ugh.”

“Cosima… I’m straight.” Delphine hisses at her. “You’re being offensive.”

Cosima shakes her head at her. “No. You’re not.” Maybe she is being offensive, but it’s also true. At least for this couple.

“I am. I have a _boyfriend_ , Cosima.” Delphine tells her impatiently as if this settles everything.

“So you’re bisexual,” Cosima corrects impatiently. “Or pansexual. Omnisexual. Whatever. Something other than straight.” The idea of Delphine being heterosexual was laughable. Delphine may put up with straight men but she has other options clearly.

“Non!” Delphine is firm, annoyed even. “I am _not_ gay Cosima!”

“ _Co-si-ma…_ _you_ _feel_ _so_ _good…_. _Co-si-ma…_ ” Cosima mocks her, drawing on a particularly vivid shared memory. “Ringing any bells?”

Delphine blushes instantly. “Please do not tell anyone.” She begs quietly.

“Why?” Cosima counters annoyed. What difference did it make if she and Delphine had a history? She is certain Dr. Hughes has probably guessed what was between her and Delphine, at least to a point. And no doubt if they kept being awkward around each other more people would assume some kind of history. And with her being an out lesbian, she doubted the assumptions would be platonic.

“I was a young girl. I didn’t know any better.” Delphine looks away averting her eyes.

Cosima looks back bewildered. “Dude, we had sex. _Lots_ of sex. It’s not like we stole bikes or started a small crime ring.” She begins to wonder if Delphine hadn’t moved passed it by now. Shouldn’t she have processed this all a decade ago? 

“Non. Non, we didn’t.” Delphine shakes her head clearly intent on denying everything.

“You’ve got some weird hang ups, Delphine.” Cosima comments shaking her head. “Anyway … I have five mother/infant pairs coming into the lab tomorrow morning if you need to accost them for breast milk samples or something.”

“Stool samples.” Delphine sighs quietly. “The lactating ones have already been asked to provide pumped milk if possible. I don’t need to ask for it.”

Cosima nods. “Right. Have fun with that.” Baby poop. Suddenly her studying development of the ability to access one’s environment and respond seems very cool in response. She decides it’s time to go. She doesn’t need this kind of pain.

But no sooner as she stepped out of the lab, trying desperately to keep her body calm than has Delphine followed her, reaching one long arm after her. Her long fingertips make contact with Cosima’s shoulder, the first physical contact she’s had with Delphine in over a decade. Cosima turns around, unable to stop herself from responding. From wanting more of the touch.

“Cosima…. I’m sorry.” Delphine apologizes, stepping out of the lab after her. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“So stop being a bitch about it.” Cosima counters. “Accept the past. Or don’t bring it up at all.” That would be preferable to straight up denial of everything they had shared.

“I cannot do that. I cannot do any of this.” Delphine waves one hand between the two of them. “I… I want us to get along. I think we can.”

“Then leave me alone and get back to your baby poop.” Cosima tells her tersely. She storms off leaving Delphine behind her. She’ll email in sick and take a break from the lab for a day or two. It’s not like anyone has seen her today other than Delphine.

Though studying the microbiome of the babies in tandem with the other research was interesting. Cosima finds herself wondering absently if gut health will coincide with other outcomes. It doesn’t matter, she decides. It’s not like she can manage a civil conversation with Delphine anyway. The more she’s around Delphine, the more she hears her voice, the more she remembers. And it fucking sucks.

How the fuck did she end up here?

* * *

_2007_

“Cosima Niehaus?” A soft accented voice calls behind her.

“That’s me.” Cosima continues unpacking. This job meant six weeks further south, near warmer water and better beaches. And she’d taken it. Although, unpacking what little she’d brought with her into a strange dorm. It was an adventure. 

“I’m Delphine Cormier. I’ll be sharing your room.” The girl tells her before beginning to unpack.

“Ahh the French girl. I heard about you.” Cosima turns to face Delphine and breaks into a quick smile. She’d seen the name on the list. Another pair of counselors were at the other end of the corridor so they could shepherd the kids around. She could do way worse for a bunkmate. Not bad for a STEM camp for girls on a university campus. She is going to enjoy looking at Delphine, at any rate. The face, the hazel eyes, the curly light brown hair pulled back from her face. 

“Enchantée.” Delphine extends her hand.

“Enchantée.” Cosima echoes suddenly wishing she’d paid more attention in French class six years ago. “I’m sorry my French kind of sucks.” Cosima firmly shakes Delphine’s outstretched hand with a grin. 

Delphine laughs. “Do not worry. I have spent the last two summers here caring for my young cousins. My English is good.”

“Cool. So our 9-14 year old campers don’t phase you?” They’ll be surrounded soon enough. The campers will temporarily occupy the dorms, and they’ll be responsible for shuttling them around as well as running activities. New campers each week, mostly.

“My cousins are four and six years old.” Delphine laughs. “I’ve been caring for them the past few summers. I give their regular nanny a break, essentially.”

“Oh well that’s different.” Cosima tilts her head. “So you’re like… their au pair?”

“They’re in day camp for a few weeks now so I need a different job. Six weeks of camp counseling works. My aunt got me the job.”

“Oh cool. Is she like a prof?”

“Non. She’s one of the librarians.” Delphine smiles. 

“Still cool. Come on, I’ll show you around? Or I’ll try anyway. I arrived a few hours ago. But we might as well memorize the important routes. Cafeteria. Pool. Lab space.” Cosima smiles. Their official orientation wouldn't start until tonight, and they have time to kill.

“Yes. Thank you!” Delphine tells her happily, stashing her stuff and letting Cosima lock the door behind them. “I am getting hungry. The cafeteria would be perfect.”

“So… what do you do?” Cosima asks curiously as they make their way from the building outside. 

“I study biology in Paris. I’m from Lille. I… I finished high school early. I am already in university.” Delphine tells her. “I’m 18 years old. I have been here… well not at the university but nearby since May. My cousins kept me busy.”

Cosima grins. “Oh cool! I’m a combined major, psychology and bio. It’s been good so far. I’m from Berkely though… I just like applied for this job. A friend is studying here and thought it’d be a good gig for me. Plus… I get so much time off.”

“It is a good...gig.” Delphine seems to test out the word.

“It is… probably way more chill than like… nannying.” Cosima figures. The latter sounds absolutely exhausting. And underpaid. 

“Maybe. It was easier when they both napped.” Delphine laughs. “This year neither of them nap. So the days are long.”

“I can imagine.” Cosima nods. “So do you like take them places? Or just chill in their giant beach house?” She’s making assumptions about the Cormier family, but Delphine doesn’t seem phased by it at all. 

“Oh yes. The pool. The library. Museums. Parks… All of it. My aunt lets me take her car.” Delphine summarizes. “But they are in camps now… so I’ll spend the second half of the summer chasing them around.”

“Do they pay you?”

“They pay me enough… I don’t really need the money.” Delphine shrugs. “I am enjoying it. And my English is far better than it would be staying home.”

“So… your aunt married an American?”  
  
“Non. My uncle Michel. My mother’s brother. My cousins are Berauds. Not Cormiers.” Delphine tells her. “My aunt is an American. So are my cousins, Emma and Thomas. Because you do not allow dual citizenship.”

“So you’ve spent a bit of time here already.” Cosima acknowledges as she leads the way to the cafeteria. “I think we’re still on our own dollars for food until the campers arrive.”

“Yes. But only summers. And… I can’t do it forever.” Delphine tells her. “And that is fine. We’ll eat. It’ll be more relaxing than later.”

  
“No… but it’s something to do.” Cosima grins. “Anyway… I think this will be fun.”

“It will be.” Delphine agrees readily. 

Cosima looks over at Delphine and softens a little, but she reminds herself - She cannot fall for Delphine. Given the living situation she isn’t even going to come out to Delphine. But part of her acknowledges that it would be far too easy to fall for her. 

“So… what’s your favourite part of LA?” Cosima asks. It was likely, after all, that Delphine knew the city better than she did. And she might as well take advantage.


	6. Keep Myself Awake

_ Delphine _

_ July 2007 _

Delphine giggles madly before jumping into the university’s pool. She was having fun, more fun than she’d imagined. And sure, they cannot leave campus. But the girls are having a movie night and they drew the long straw on supervision. So Katie and Melissa were watching the girls and they got an hour to themselves. They’d have to return the favour in two days but that was fine.

  
Even the campers were fun, many very curious. They seemed to enjoy the science activities as much as the athletic ones. Most of them tolerated the idea of dissection well enough, but there were always a few squeamish ones. Delphine would figure out which ones were squeamish tomorrow.    
  
“See? I told you.” Cosima shouts from above her, still on the lowest diving platform. “Perfect way to unwind.”

  
“Cosima… We have had campers for exactly three days.” It has been fun mostly, if exhausting. Delphine found that she and Cosima had an easy chemistry, their friendship fairly effortless so far. But they still fell asleep talking most of the time so far. Worn out from the busy days.

She swims clear and waits for Cosima to dive in. It’s as elegant as she expects. 

“Yeah? So?” Cosima points out once she’s surfaced. “We played capture the flag all over campus this afternoon. It was exhausting.”

“I know.” Delphine grins. “Only two days left with this batch, and then we get more next week.” The theme will be different anyway. And a few professors that are assisting with the science camp vary by week so that works out.

  
“So, what are your weekend plans?” Cosima asks. 

“I’ll… be staying here I guess?” Delphine tells her. “I don’t think my aunt and uncle need me for the weekends. It wouldn’t be fair when I am working all week too.” She knows Melissa is staying on campus and Katie is going home. But they’re local-ish. Both students here. She and Cosima aren’t. If she goes home she’s sure to find Emma and Thomas knocking on the door of the nanny suite, continually, asking her to play.

“So… do you like… want to explore and go do stuff?” Cosima asks hopefully. “Like a movie or… an arcade. Or the beach. Or try to get into a bar. We’re girls...so they’ll likely let us in even without a fake ID.”

“A bar?” Delphine laughs, splashing around in the water. She cannot picture herself in a bar, especially here where the drinking age is 21. It seems too dangerous. Too likely to end up arrested and be placed directly on a plane back home by her uncle. 

“Well… it’s something to do.” Cosima suggests. “Either that or I go touristy on your ass and demand to go the walk of fame.”   
  


“No thank you. But not a bar…” Delphine laughs again. Her aunt would not approve. At all.

“Come on… we have to get back.” Cosima sighs, pulling herself from the pool. There are only a few people and they make their way back to the women’s change room after grabbing their provided towels off the deck. 

They shower talking aimlessly, Delphine notices briefly that Cosima’s body is entirely hairless before she averts her eyes politely. She cannot comment on that. Nor should she want to. She shouldn’t have looked at all. Maybe she could pass it off as looking at one of Cosima’s tattoos? She had several after all.

“Is something wrong?” Cosima asks her quickly, noting her averting her gaze.

“Non. Not at all. We should get dressed and get back.”

“You’re right.” Cosima nods, she turns off the spray before wrapping her naked body in her towel and heading for the lockers and benches of the large change room.

  
Delphine begins changing quickly. No sense bothering with modesty, but Cosima turns around when she begins to change. Maybe she had accidentally made Cosima uncomfortable, she makes a mental note to find some discreet way to apologize later.

“So why no bar? You don’t like have some American beefcake boyfriend who is going to come whisk you away for the weekend?”

“Non.” Delphine laughs at the mental image, at the expression. Americans were silly. “No boyfriend. And I couldn’t.”

“Why not?” Cosima perks up, twisting her face around just enough to get a look at her. Delphine continues pulling up her shorts before grabbing at her shirt.

“My aunt is very...religious.” Delphine winces as she quickly fastens her bra. “My family is not… but she… she won’t let me come and care for my cousins once I’m sexually active. I’d be a bad influence.”

“So you’re not?” Cosima looks back with curiosity. “Like at all?”

“I had a boyfriend last year but… things never progressed and we broke up after a month. I wanted to come back more than I wanted him.” Delphine shrugs. “They even brought me on their vacation last year. I helped care for their kids at Disney World for a week.”

“So pretty good incentives.” Cosima laughs. “It’s still wrong and super offensive though. Couldn’t you just lie?”

“She does not want premarital sex in her home.” Delphine sighs. It seems ridiculous but it’s the truth. “I could lie… unless my mother knows. They ask her every single time before they fly me back.”

Cosima is unable to contain herself. “So … your aunt thinks you’ll just magically turn into some French sexpot the second you let someone take off your pants? Also she must have a hell of a time finding virginal nannies.” Cosima rolls her eyes.

“More or less. My parents think she is ridiculous but her house, her rules. Even my uncle toes the line with her. They suggested once my younger brother replace me as the au pair when I grow out of it, and she just about lost it on them.” Delphine nods and smiles a little. 

“Why put up with it?”

“It’s good for my English. The vacations and I enjoy my cousins. They are hilarious.” Delphine shrugs. “Plus, I went to a private girls’ school before university. No boys there. I have fun… I know it can’t be forever. But why not enjoy it while I can?”

“Fair enough.” Cosima nods. “So… no taking you out to get you laid. Got it.”

“Definitely not.” Delphine laughs again. “I don’t think she’d find out. But still… not now. And not with a stranger. I’d never do that.”

“Alright. Then let’s go… play DDR and eat overpriced sushi. I have a car sitting in stupidly expensive parking for us to use. We can go anywhere.” Cosima suggests an alternative weekend plan.

“This weekend. Yes. Tonight? Non… Unless  _ you _ have a boyfriend who is going to whisk you away for a weekend of non stop lovemaking.” Delphine teases gently as she watches Cosima get dressed. She could imagine that, a man absolutely head-over-heels for Cosima. But Cosima hadn’t mentioned anyone. Not like Katie and Melissa who both mentioned their boyfriends frequently. 

  
“Haha. Nope.” Cosima shakes her head. “No boyfriend.”

“Good. We’ll keep each other company.”

“We will.” Cosima agrees. “But if we don’t get back soon Melissa and Katie are going to hate us.”

“Then let’s go.” Delphine bags her wet swimsuit and towel, she fluffs her wet hair with her fingers. “We don’t want to leave them waiting.”

“Right.” Cosima nods. “After you.” Cosima holds the change room door for her and maybe it’s a little odd but it’s charming and she goes with it. They walk arm in arm swiftly back to the dormitory where they are housing the campers. And it’s quiet, they can hear the end of the movie playing in what is usually the dorm kitchen, a projector being used to turn a large white wall into a screen.

  
“Cosima and Delphine are back!” A young camper calls looking from the movie towards the doorway.

  
“Yup, we’re back.” Cosima settles down on a chair at the back of the pile of girls, some huddle in groups, others rest on their pillows and blankets on the floor.

  
“You made good time.” Katie admits. “How was the swim?”

“Relaxing.” Delphine tells them.

“Shhh!” Another girl shushes them and there’s not much left to do.

They hustle the campers through the large shared bathroom in groups, a few of the older girls take showers with their limited bathroom time but it is just over an hour after the movie stops when they get them back into dorms in pairs. Delphine thinks there must be large advantages to being the counselors that do not stay in the dorms for supervision. But then again, they aren’t paid as much.

  
“Lights out girls!” Cosima hollers walking up and down the corridor. “Delphine and I will be patrolling this hallway so just settle in and get sleepy.”

“Cosima!!” One of the girls whines.

“What?” Cosima calls back.

“I just want six more minutes.” The girl whines. “I want to talk to Sophia.”

“You’ve got six seconds.” Cosima quips and looks at Delphine.

  
"Bonne nuit les filles!” Delphine calls out. She’d taken to using a bit of French with the girls and they seemed to take to it well. None of them spoke French, a few spoke Spanish or Mandarin. They were all children of relative privilege, like her. And maybe a bit spoiled. But it was a good gig nonetheless.

She sits in the hallway, sliding down next to Cosima who is already sitting, taking her duty somewhat seriously for the moment as Melissa and Katie were both going to shower. She catches sight of them, both in loose clothing and flip flops heading into the bathroom. 

“What?” Cosima turns to look at her. But Delphine only grins and leans over to rest her head on Cosima’s shoulder.

“It is a good gig.” Delphine smiles again. “And I am happy I get to work with you.”

“Me too.” Cosima comments, smiling back. “So… favourite part of the week?”   
  
“It isn’t over yet.” Delphine points out. “And we have more activities to run. And dissection tomorrow.”

“Woo.” Cosima laughs. “And then… I think after they run and swim, there’s an engineering activity after lunch but Katie has the details. Her and one of the off-site counselors are running that so we’re … well we don’t have to do as much.”

“It is good.” Delphine sighs. She is tired, and doesn’t want to move. 

“So… big questions. What’s your favourite place in the world?” Cosima easily resumes their big questions game. Their way of passing the time many evenings. 

“My grandparents’ house in Lille.” Delphine answers without hesitation. 

“Why?”   
  


“It is beautiful, the gardens, the old stone work. And my grandparents are there. I enjoy spending days with Mémé especially. I feel at peace there. When I am there I don’t need to be anything. I can read and be lazy, and then help my mémé in her kitchen.”

“Your...grandmother?” Cosima guesses right and Delphine nods quickly. 

“My turn.” Delphine speaks quietly, they don’t want their talking to keep up the girls after all. “Do you believe in a god or… an afterlife?”

Cosima hums, tilting her head to the side and running one hand through her dark hair. “I don’t think so. Not like in the traditional sense. I think… I think maybe there’s something to all of us being here. I think… I think we  _ might  _ actually have souls and like an afterlife of some kind. But a god or… some sort of purpose to it all… No. I don’t think so. Definitely not in organized religion at all. I mean… energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed, right? So maybe there’s something to it all?”

“That...is complicated.” Delphine yawns before responding. 

  
“Yeah… a little.” Cosima agrees. “But… I guess… agnostic would be the best term for me. I don’t think I am an atheist. But I don’t buy into any religion in general. My parents weren’t religious at all.. So I’ve just kind of...floated along.”

“I was raised Catholic.” Delphine offers. “But I do not believe in any of it. I am an atheist. Religion is just… vestiges of humans trying to exert control on each other or make sense of life.” That is the only conclusion that makes sense, that they live and die on this planet, without rhyme or reason.

Cosima nods politely. “That is scientific of you, but kind of bleak don’t you think?”

“Maybe a little bleak.” Delphine agrees. “I could not tell my uncle or aunt this… I am sure they don’t want an atheist caring for their children either. But I don’t believe in an afterlife. Or a soul.”

“What do they even do? They must be loaded.” Cosima switches gears seamlessly from big questions to this. 

“My uncle is a pediatric anesthesiologist. He… makes a lot of money.” Delphine sighs. “You already know my aunt is a librarian.”

“Right…” Cosima nods. “But he’s not like exploiting people… just anesthetizing children for surgery and shit like that.”

“Yes… I think I might become a doctor too.. But not an anesthesiologist. I want… I want something more interesting. I want something that...stretches my capabilities. I want to make a difference.” Delphine stretches out her long arms above her head, moving to better look at Cosima.

“I don’t think I’d want that job… even with the beachhouse.” Cosima teases, leaning her body into Delphine’s. “Way too much pressure. And.. yeah, necessary but not that interesting.”

“What do you want to do?”

Cosima moves to shrug her arms. “Stay in school until I figure it out? Answer big scientific questions about human nature and instinct. Like, what’s programmed into us? What’s learned?”

  
“Are you going to study chimpanzees?” Delphine teases. She admittedly loves how much Cosima talks with her hands, it is familiar, endearing.

“Maybe… Maybe I’ll be the next Jane Goodall… Or Dian Fossey.” Cosima laughs, leaning back. “I just… I want to do interesting work. You know? Probably means I am headed for a decade plus of education and lots of letters behind my name.”

“I will visit you in the jungle.” Delphine tells Cosima jokingly. “Letters behind your name, you mean a PhD right?” 

Cosima nods easily.“You’re on.” Cosima looks at her very intently, so much so that she finds herself having to look away. Her face flushing a little, she hasn’t felt like this in ages, if ever. She’s not sure what it is in Cosima that brings this out in her. But it makes her a little uneasy.

“Do you want to ask more big questions?” Delphine asks. She’s certain she can think of another, even if she and Cosima become increasingly philosophical as they make their way through the questions.

“Maybe back in our room. I want to make sure we know these campers are asleep.” Cosima throws out. And certainly some of the girls are still awake as exhausted as she knows they all are at the end of the day.

  
They clamber into their beds, dressing with their backs turned to each other. Though, Delphine briefly imagines that she feels the heat of Cosima’s gaze on her body. She must be wrong. Must be imagining things. Cosima wouldn't be looking at her.

“OK. Next question.” Cosima mutters at her from her bed. “Shoot.”

“Would you rather have a person on a desert island to keep you company or more supplies to yourself?” Delphine asks. A silly scenario, but not out of the norm for this game.

“Oooh… depends on the person. Do I get to pick?”

“You can pick.”

“Then I’ll take company. I think I’d go crazy otherwise. And I’d choose you.” Cosima giggles looking over at her and Delphine feels a warmth in her body.

“That… is very flattering.” Delphine decides on words finally.

“You were looking at me in the showers.” Cosima states simply. But it doesn’t sound like an accusation. But this too, makes her uneasy.

  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” Delphine apologizes. She will make a more concerted effort to respect Cosima’s need for privacy in the future. 

“Why don’t you wax?” Cosima asks instead of getting offended. “That is… that’s why you averted your eyes, right?”

“Wax what? That is  _ not _ a big question.” Delphine realizes Cosima has noticed that difference too. 

“You know  _ what _ I am talking about. Is it like a French thing? Or just… because you’re inexperienced?” Cosima laughs. “I mean I’ve only had sex with like two people ever so I’m not exactly experienced either.”

“Why do you?” Delphine shoots back, not at all eager to have this ridiculous conversation. They should not be talking about this of all things. It doesn’t matter. 

“I … I guess it's because it’s expected? Cultural norms and all that. It’s kind of what everyone does and I like getting laid? I want to be attractive.” Cosima shrugs. 

“I never thought to… I mean, I remove a little for summer and swimming but… everything? Non.” It seems excessive, unnecessary to Delphine. But it’s not her place to judge. She shouldn't be looking. And neither should Cosima.

“Maybe it’s a cultural thing.” Cosima shrugs. “It’s like… whatever everyone thinks they should be doing. But… I know logically, it doesn’t matter whether I have hair or not. Or it  _ shouldn’t _ .”

“I think any man who objects to such a thing… isn’t worth having.” Delphine advises her. It sounds like a way to cater to someone who is likely to be incredibly high maintenance to please. Something she isn’t interested in doing. Something she’d recommend against, a man who’d make those kinds of demands on a woman’s body. It’s wrong.

Cosima takes a moment to ponder what she’s said. “I guess you’re right.”

“Bonne nuit, Cosima.” Delphine tells her new friend, needing to sleep. Needing a way out of this awkwardness. She supposed it doesn’t really matter what Cosima thinks about her body, only her mind after all. But it feels like a critique all the same.

“Goodnight Delphine.” Cosima mutters back sleepily. 

“I am sorry…” Delphine apologizes softly, but she suspects that Cosima is already asleep. She resolves to make tomorrow better, somehow. Maybe she’ll get Cosima tea early in the morning. Let her have a quiet breakfast while they usher their campers to the closest cafeteria.

  
  


* * *

_ May 8 2018 _

  
  


Delphine sighs, sitting on the floor of her apartment, head pounding. She has to ease up on the alcohol. She’s still hungover this morning and she’d only had half a bottle of wine at home before Skyping Louis. The conversation hadn’t lasted very long once he’d realized she was drunk. And she was not eager to explain why.  _ That _ is not a conversation they will ever be having. Her brother doesn’t need to know about her history with Cosima. He doesn’t need to know anything. 

Her phone dings. Another stupid Facebook notification. A friend request. From Cosima Niehaus. Delphine sighs, taking in the picture of Cosima smiling, clearly out with friends. What to do with this?

She supposes she has to accept if they are going to work together. Otherwise it will be awkward. But she hesitates. She does nothing, closing the app and going to go make herself some very strong coffee. Lying about having a boyfriend perhaps wasn’t the safest choice but she suspects she can maintain that fiction at work. 

She has work to do today. Delphine showers, dresses and gets to work. She walks to campus, hoping it’ll clear her head and she won’t have to fixate on memories of either Cosima, the girl or the woman.

“Good morning Scott. Did you run those samples for me?”

“Yes. And now I’m running hormone levels for Dr. Yamashita.” Scott looks up briefly but is intent on his work. 

“I’ll look through the results this morning. Thanks.” Delphine answers.

“Results aren’t back yet. They should be by the end of day. Maybe tomorrow. I thought you were checking out the neuroscience side. With Cosima.”

“I was. Cosima left sick.”

“She’s not sick.” Scott tells her without pretence. “She will be back today.”

“I don’t think I really have time for the neuroscience/dev psych side. I’m going to ask Dr. Yamashita to find another liaison.”

Scott chuckles awkwardly. “Umm Delphine, you should know I’m a friend of Cosima’s.”

“You are?”

“Yeah. We play board games together with mutual friends once a month. It’s a good time. As long as you don’t let Cosima completely play you.”

Delphine takes this in stride. “Does she talk about me?”

“Only since you’ve met in the lab. And only once.” Scott answers with what seems like honesty.

Would he think she’s gay now? Would she ever escape it? How long until half of the department knows she slept with Cosima? 

“I’m not a lesbian.” Delphine tells him quietly. “I don’t know what Cosima told you, but I’m not.”

“Umm Cosima didn’t really talk much about that part. Just that you knew each other when you were young one summer and now things are really awkward.” Scott shrinks back in his seat, moving away from her,

“Right,” Delphine nods, averting her eyes again.

“She didn’t talk much about the sex part.” Scott offers. “I probably shouldn’t have said that. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Delphine straightens herself. She walks away without another word. Clearly, Cosima wasn’t inclined to honour her request to say nothing. She would have to find another way to deal with this. To speak to Cosima directly, to set some sort of ground rules for working in proximity.  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter titles all come from songs or song lyrics.


	7. Suddenly I see

_Cosima_

_May_ 9 _2018_

  
  


“So how are things with your future wife going?”

“Shut up Felix.” Cosima groans. “Just because she showed up in my lab doesn’t mean she’s my future wife.” Why had she told Felix of all people? It was stupidity. Clearly. The same stupidity and impulsivity that led her into this mess in the first place. 

“You drunkenly asked the universe for a wife. Delphine falls into your lap. And you have a history.” Felix teases her. She knows he isn’t serious but he is intent on teasing her all the same.

“Yes.” Cosima confirms. “But Delphine will barely talk to me, never mind marry me. She denied us ever having sex!” Cosima gestures frantically, fingers waving. “Which we did… a lot of it!”

“Which I cannot get the details out of you on, but I will.” Felix informs her. “Couple of mimosas and I’ll have you telling me all about the time you seduced Delphine.”

“There is nothing to say.” Cosima shrugs. “I was 19. We met being camp counselors at a STEM camp for girls at a university in Los Angeles in 2007. We...had a thing. I went back to San Francisco, and she went back to her uncle’s ridiculous beach house. We saw each other a few more times that summer. She went back to France. That’s it.” Nothing that should have Delphine messed up at the sight of her a decade plus later. At least she doesn’t think it should.

“There’s got to be more meat to it. I saw her at the pub the day you two met again and that girl was shaken up. She was looking for a hookup.” Felix points out. “I mean some of your exes do still hate you. But this… Cos, what did you do to that girl?”

Cosima looks at Felix helplessly and shrugs. “I don’t remember Felix. I… I don’t think I did anything _that_ bad.” At least she hopes not.

“Well the only other option is your Delphine thinks she’s straight and you challenge that assumption. She’s struggling. You _could_ help her.” Felix suggests. “But … I still think you messed her up good. Maybe apologizing for whatever awful thing 19-year-old Cosima did would be a start.”

“Maybe she just loves sex, Felix.” Cosima suggests thoughtlessly. “She’s French. Maybe she just wanted to get laid.” She opts to ignore the last part. 

“She reeked of confusion and desperation. And expensive perfume. That girl was spiralling out in denial. Isn’t she like loaded?”

Cosima sighs. “Probably. Her family had money. Her uncle was stupid rich. But that wasn’t the reason I…”

“Fucked her?” Felix interjects, trying to convey an air of total boredom. 

“Fell for her.” Cosima lets herself smile a little. “She was incredible then too. Now she’s this amazing researcher and a scientist. She’s studying microbiomes in maternal infant dyads. Like I swear, if we didn’t have a history, I would be all over her right now. Or...trying to be. The terrible thing is we are probably more compatible now than we were then.” Cosima admits. She suspects she could at least have a friendship with Delphine otherwise, likely more with Delphine’s tendencies.

“Right and then she was an 18 year old girl who just wanted you to rub up against her. All summer long by the sounds of things.”

Cosima snorts, those are details no one else needs. “There was a lot of rubbing.” She admits but says no more. 

“Was she like….experienced then or…?” Felix lets the question sit but Cosima doesn’t answer immediately. That is private. That belonged to just the two of them. 

Cosima just shrugs. “Not with women. Anyway Delphine is going to have to get used to me, and vice versa.”

“You should just seduce her again.” Felix throws out. “I bet you could. Maybe after a little wine and sapphic pleasure she’ll chill out.”

“Maybe.” Cosima agrees. “But I don’t know. Things were always so intense with Delphine. I don’t think we could just fuck. It might just make things worse.” Cosima sighs. A heterosexual Delphine isn’t something she saw coming. And maybe it _was_ possible, they had been young. But part of her wants to believe there’s something there. An attraction that won’t fade away.

“Good luck with that. Let me know when you’ve set the wedding date.” Felix tells her before swanning back to the arts department.

Cosima sits considering. Maybe there was something synchronicity wise in it all. But to convince an atheist that you think you might belong together would be a challenge. Delphine doesn’t believe in souls, never mind soulmates.

Cosima sighed. She wonders briefly if this is her fault. If she never should have tried to even kiss Delphine at all. She could have just had a hot French friend and things would be easier right about now. But then again, how was she supposed to know that Delphine would pop back into her life?

She walks briskly back to the lab, she cannot waste anymore time. She has actual work to do. A course to TA and a dissertation to get through. 

“Hi Daniel.” Cosima waves at her advisor, and begins to get to work arranging the experiment space and cameras.

“Cosima.. A word.” Dr. Hughes summons her over after a few oddly quiet minutes. The man was usually constantly chattering. 

“What is it Daniel?” Cosima feigns nonchalance. She needs it to get through this day. Especially when Delphine could come walking through the door at any moment.

“I need… you to keep your personal life out of this lab.” Daniel looks at her closely. “I don’t want you and Delphine to create a weird toxic environment here with ...whatever history it is.”

  
“That won’t be a problem.” Cosima assures him. “I can work with Delphine, if I have to. I can definitely work in proximity to Delphine.”

“No more calling in sick to avoid her. I need to trust that you will be here when you said you’ll be.” Daniel sighs. “I don’t buy you randomly got food poisoning halfway through a day.”

“I… of course. Yeah. Not a problem.” Cosima assures him. “I won’t. We’ll… get over it.” 

“Good.” Daniel sighs. “Because Naomi has noticed too, and I don’t really want to be the one to explain why you and Delphine cannot work together. You’re on the hook for that if any else goes wrong.”

“Yes.” Cosima accepts her chiding as calmly as possible. She cannot act like a teenager. Even if seeing Delphine again makes her feel a little bit like one. She wonders if they are that obvious.

  
“I am not going to ask for details.” Daniel clarifies. “Just assure me that you can work.”

“I can work.” And she can, she has to get back to it and when Delphine enters the lab and makes straight for the office she doesn’t react. Doesn’t stop working or interrupt their experiments. 

It’s not until the day’s subjects have left and she’s going through hours of footage that she lets herself consider reaching out to Delphine again. Maybe reconnecting would be less awkward? She has to hope anyway.

“Hey Delphine.” Cosima calls out casually intent on proving she can be nonchalant enough to ease her advisor’s concerns.

“Cosima.” Delphine replies a little tensely.

Cosima stands up and wanders over to the office door, she leans against the wall almost flirtatiously. “What are you working on?”

“I’m looking at a study of infants born by cesarean.” Delphine responds without looking up.

“Why?”

“Because their microbiomes never catch up with babies born...erm.. by _voie_ _basse_.” Delphine finishes somewhat awkwardly.

“Are you afraid to say the word vaginal in front of me?” Cosima barely suppresses a smirk, leaning in slightly.

Delphine looks at her awkwardly for a moment and then continues. “Non. The experimental group here was swabbed with their mother’s vaginal bacteria shortly after birth. It … it promotes a healthier microbiome, not quite as diverse but an improvement. Of course if they’re formula fed that… that greatly reduces microbiome diversity. Or if they’re given antibiotics. It becomes complex.” Delphine seems intent on whatever she’s reading at any rate. 

“Now you sound like Dr. Yamashita. Only she says it stunts the hormones.” Cosima points out. Hopefully Madison’s not put off by it. Though maybe that’s why Dr. Yamashita wanted her to work with Delphine instead.

“It does. Facts are not judgemental.” Delphine points out. “I’m not interested in telling parents how to feed their children. I am telling them it drastically alters the microbiome. And may have lifelong immunological effects. It’s part of the reason I left France, I need access to a large enough population of breastfed infants for my sample.”

“So France has crappy breastfeeding rates?”

  
Delphine sighs and rolls her eyes. “Lowest in Europe. The attitude of many doctors is that baby must learn that maman’s breasts belong to papa. That it enslaves women. So… rates are low. And I didn’t get the post-doc in Norway. So I am here, where rates are marginally higher and public health addresses it.” 

“OK. So are you looking to supplement babies with probiotics, using breastfed babies as like a control group?” Cosima considers this. She’d never given it much thought, sounded like more misogynistic ownership draped with an idea of liberation. The idea of any part of a woman’s body belonging to her male partner was repulsive. 

“I think so, but it’s been done before.” Delphine sighs. “But I’m trying to stay up on what is being done elsewhere. I think probiotic supplementation and a bacterial swab would help. But then that’s two separate interventions. I could restrict my study to breastfeeding mothers… but that can be challenging as I must recruit them during pregnancy. Maybe I could get data from Norway...” 

Cosima leans in as she catches sight of the list of authors. “Delphine...were you involved in this? This is like brand new.”

“Yes. As a graduate student during my PhD.”

“Then why does it say Dr. Delphine Cormier?” Cosima points at the list of contributors.

“Because I’m an MD.” Delphine brushes her off.

“Wait...what?!?” Cosima stops, standing up straight all of a sudden. “You’re an MD too?”

“Yes.” Delphine responds impatiently.

“Holy shit!” Cosima stops to really take in Delphine. She really is the dream, Cosima thinks to herself shaking her head in shock. Wicked levels of brilliant. Ambitious. With multiple advanced degrees. What the fuck. 

“I… I barely finished my residency.” Delphine admits softly. “I wanted to go into research.”

“But you’re still a medical doctor. So how’d you get here?”

“Pediatrics. Pediatric immunology then to immunology and microbiomes.” Delphine summarizes quickly.

“You know, you’d probably make better money as a pediatrician.” Cosima tilts her head, wanting to tease Delphine, just a little.

“Maybe. But I want more. I want … intellectual stimulation I cannot get outside of academia.” Delphine looks up at her, more open than she’s been with her all week.

“I get that. Need to answer the big questions.”

Delphine looks at her cautiously for a moment. “But so do you.”

“Always have.” Cosima shrugs, moving to leave the office before she begins to feel any more enamoured with Delphine. Maybe they could build something new between the two of them. A friendship, or more.  
  
Either way, it was worth a shot.

  
  


* * *

_2007_

Cosima grins madly at Delphine as they climb into the CRV. At least the stupid expensive parking pass meant they could come and go as they pleased. And this beat a grocery run for breakfast foods any day. At least that was mostly reimbursed.

“Where are you taking me?”  
  
“An arcade.” Cosima responds.

“An arcade?” Delphine looks at her, and laughs in response.

“Yes. Then bubble tea.” Cosima smiles. “I want us to have fun.” And if bars weren’t happening, she was sure they could find some fun. 

“We will.”

Cosima tries not to look at Delphine too much. She needs to concentrate on driving after all - while Delphine navigates. Not her very possibly inappropriate lust for Delphine. It doesn’t take that long to find the chosen arcade. 

  
They struggle for a good 15 minutes to find parking and then pay.  
  
“OK…” Cosima grabs Delphine by the hand. “Let’s go.”

“What… what is this?” Delphine laughs as Cosima is dragging her onto a large game with rails around the squares for the foot movements. As good a way to start as any.

“Uhh this is a Dance Dance Revolution arcade machine? And we are going to play it.” Cosima tells her inserting coins into the machine.

It’s fun, and while Delphine is as graceful as expected Cosima beats her score easily. She’s had plenty of practice at DDR afterall.

“Play again?”

“Oui.” Delphine smiles. “Now that I’m getting the hang of it you won’t win so easily.”

They’re equally competitive, perhaps Cosima a little more so than Delphine. She keeps winning but Delphine regards her with...fondness? Even as they move on to other games.

“So?” Cosima asks after they’ve blown a decent chunk of change playing with only a string of tokens to show for it.

“It was fun.” Delphine admits.

“Good, now I’ll trade this.” Cosima waves their combined tickets. “In for a prize and we’ll go get bubble tea.”

Delphine stands, arms crossed, glancing around the loud room. The pinging and sound effects creating a chaotic ambience. Cosima feels struck by Delphine even as she decides on a mid-sized teddy bear. She points and smiles, pleased with her choice. Cosima lets herself just look at Delphine. She wants to be more than her friend. She wants to kiss her. Wants to hold her. Doesn’t want to have to hold back parts of who she is. Wants to let this evolve into what it should be. Even if it’s just a few really great weeks.

“What?” Delphine looks at her. “What is it?” She asks as Cosima approaches.

“Here.” Cosima offers the bear to Delphine.

“Why… why are you giving me this?” Delphine’s face breaks into an amused smile.

“I want you to have it. I’m having a great time… and it’s your first time in an arcade.”

“True. It is my first time in an arcade. Merci.” Delphine grins and leans in. For a moment Cosima thinks she’ll get kissed, even just on the cheek. But Delphine seems to think better of it.

“Come on…” Cosima pulls Delphine outside and they return to the car. Once they’re buckled in she flips on the radio. “Do you want bubble tea and like dumplings and Asian food? Or… do you want to find some Mexican place?”

  
“Either. Whatever you want.” Delphine grins.

  
“Ooh… I kind of like this song.” Cosima turns up the radio. “Rihanna. Umbrella. I swear it plays every day. Multiple times a day. But it’s so catchy.”

Delphine listens nodding, as Cosima checks her blindspot and slowly pulls them out into traffic.

  
“I know a good mexican place.” Delphine tells her. “And we won’t have to pay for parking.”

“Perfect. Let’s go there.” Cosima smiles and then begins to sing along. “ _You have my heart, and we'll never be worlds apart… maybe in magazines but you’ll still be my star_.”

“You….” Delphine manages to get out between her giggles. “You are very cute.”

“I am. Definitely.” Cosima agrees with another winning smile, feeling like she might just get what she’s after.


	8. I wish I didn't miss you

_ Delphine  _

_ May 17 2018 _

It’s getting easier, Delphine reminds herself as she makes her way to the lab. Seeing Cosima is getting easier. The more casual exposure she subjects herself to, the calmer she will be working in proximity to Cosima. Though, admittedly, she still prefers Cosima not enter her office. After all, Cosima is working in neuroscience or developmental psychology. It doesn’t have to affect her work. Though she’s put off sitting in on an experimental session. Which she’s been invited to do twice.

Delphine gathers her nerves, projecting an air of complete calm. She works in the shared space between the labs, her office door ajar. This is fine. She can work here with Cosima working nearby. Everything is fine. They’ve had a civil conversation. This is doable.

“Hey Delphine.” Cosima leans in by the door. “Can we talk?”

“Alright.” She nods, turning to take in Cosima again. The patterned skirt and layered tanks, the dreadlocks pulled back from her face. But the face… the face was so very much the same. Delphine tries not to sigh.

“I just… I want us to be able to spend time together. And I’ve been thinking the last few days, maybe we are doing this all wrong avoiding each other.”

Delphine crosses her arms. “How so?”

“Well… Dr. Hughes and Dr. Yamashita are both pretty much assuming we’re exes. They haven’t said it directly, but neither of them is stupid. I mean, I’m out and proud here so… And… well, if Madison weren’t so consumed with the contents of her uterus and her ‘benignly’ sexist husband… she’d notice too.” Cosima shrugs. “No sense denying it.”

“I don’t want that.” Delphine turns to face Cosima fully, not looking away for the moment. She doesn’t want to. There’s still an odd… tenderness for Cosima. Even after all this time. It’s unexpected, and she wants to keep looking at her.

“You don’t want them to know you were… somewhat involved with a woman once?” Cosima seeks clarification gently. “Why?”

“You were...a fluke for me. It was only once.” Delphine looks up, but doesn’t move to stand. 

“Once?!?” Cosima raises an eyebrow. She seems offended, but that doesn’t quite make sense. What is wrong with telling Cosima she was the only one?

“It was only once.” Delphine asserts, looking away. Cosima was the only woman she’d ever been with. Surely Cosima was intelligent enough to get a read on the situation and understand that a little youthful sexual experimentation wasn’t unusual. Didn’t have to mean anything. Especially when one was young and inexperienced. If Cosima would just keep her distance they could leave it all in the past, where it belongs.

“So do you mean that one time you started sobbing into my neck because you wanted to penetrate me?” Cosima throws out flippantly. “Or do you mean the one time I made love to you for hours only to fall asleep in your arms? Or the one time-”

“That...that never happened.” Delphine averts her eyes as she cuts Cosima off. She doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to dig into those memories. It’s...embarrassing.

“Yes it did.” Cosima crosses her arms. “That was you at 18, Delphine. It’s not like you don’t remember. You  _ have _ to remember!”

“And now I’m 29 and  _ heterosexual _ .” Delphine sighs emphasizing it as much as she can. She looks at Cosima, trying to stare her down. This cannot happen. She cannot get dragged back in.

“One night. Give me one night to change your mind.” Cosima suggests. “Come out with me, like on a date. Let’s just….see how it feels.”

Delphine becomes exasperated, bringing a hand to her head. “I do not date women. And I have a boyfriend.”

“Where? In France? Long distance never works.” Cosima shrugs. “Meeting you again is honestly...incredible. Seeing what you’ve become. Let’s just see. Just  _ try _ it.”

Delphine stands up and begins pacing frantically. “Non!”

“Delphine...like… what if fate threw us back together for a reason. What if...what if we fit?” Cosima is suddenly soft, vulnerable looking back at her and her heart responds despite itself.

“Non. I’m sorry, Cosima. I cannot do this.” What is wrong with her? Why does she feel so tender for Cosima now?

“We don’t have to have sex right away. The pressure is totally off for that. Just spend time with me.” Cosima asks softly, and when Delphine looks into her eyes she softens despite herself.

“Cosima… I have spent the last decade dating only men.” Delphine tears her eyes from Cosima’s face. Turning around to face her laptop instead. Concentrate on the research. Concentrate on the work.

“Well that’s your loss.” Cosima teases at first and then moves to hover close behind her. “You already know I can please you. You know how it feels.” Cosima drops her voice and leans in closely.

Delphine shudders briefly despite herself, eyes closing, her body rocking once on the spot. “I thought you said no sex?” What is Cosima doing? Is this some… ill-planned attempt at seduction? Why? Why would Cosima suddenly want her now after all this time? It doesn’t make sense.

“I said we don’t  _ have _ to.” Cosima corrects. “I’m totally willing if you are. But I’d rather get to know each other again first. So come spend a day with me. Just… spend time.”

“Like last time?”

“Maybe not quite so drawn out and tortured,” Cosima smiles teasingly. “Do you remember the night we went up the coast? The beaches along the coast?”

Delphine shudders at the thought. She hasn’t forgotten. Couldn’t forget. “I remember. We slept in your ‘99 CRV.”

“Good. So… tomorrow morning we’ll meet for breakfast?” Cosima asks hopefully.

“What?”

“We’re going to spend the day together.” Cosima tells her. “Just the two of us… I don’t care if we go find an arcade and play a DDR knock-off… We need to just...take time.”

“You want to play DDR?” Delphine repeats in disbelief. “Why?” That makes no sense… could they even find one these days? Wasn’t that a little much?

“Stroll down memory lane with me… Don’t worry. I don’t have that car anymore.” Cosima teases. “I don’t have a car at all here. I don’t need one unless I leave the city.”

Dr. Yamashita takes this moment to pop her head in the door. “Everything all right in here? Are you both OK?’

“Yes… yes, we’re fine.” Delphine nods. “Yes, Cosima. I will see you tomorrow. I need to get back to work now.”

She gets through her work for the day, and finally agrees to sit in with the experimental group arriving at 3 pm. The babies are cute, Delphine muses watching them arrive either in carseats or in carriers. Cosima had readied the space for them, four parent-child dyads, and a blanket laid out with a bunch of baby toys to keep them entertained in the meantime.

Cosima busies herself greeting them. “Welcome back guys!” Cosima greets the 11 month old babies and their parents, mostly moms. But Delphine sees one dad bouncing his child in a carrier near the door.

“So this is Dr. Cormier, she’ll be sitting in today while we run the experiment. Here are your update forms and we’ll get you into the space one by one. 

Delphine watches and is impressed, for a time she’s uncertain if this is Cosima’s experiment or Daniels. Either way, Cosima is brilliant at this, the parents are at ease. The babies perform the tasks or not. And all she does is observe and collect the forms, ensuring to turn off the recording equipment between babies. Both the parents and the infants seem to take readily to Cosima, staring at her animated face as she runs through her script.

It takes about two hours to usher out the parent-child dyads and then clean up.

  
“Come on...you can help with this part.” Cosima looks pointedly at Delphine and then quickly tilting her head towards the empty basket. “We don’t need these toys all over the waiting area for everyone to trip on.”

She helps, not much use resisting. Sure she is overqualified for this, but it is just helping.    
  


“It’s a good experiment.” Delphine tells Cosima. “But are you controlling for sex in the actions? Risk-taking isn’t as encouraged in girls. And climbing objects they shouldn’t is definite risk taking.”

Cosima nods. “We do separate results by sex - or we can. I’d rather not, but as you implied parents tend to treat boys and girls differently. Which is part of the reason they’re told not to encourage.”

“I doubt you’d see as much difference this early… what about the older toddlers?”

“My experiment caps out with one year olds. By then some of them are walking and my experiment is designed for crawlers.” Cosima shrugs. “Daniel uses toddlers up to 24 months in his empathy experiments. So… we do have them in the lab.”

“I suppose the cute factor… diminishes with exposure.” Delphine grins, smiling honestly.

“Ehh a little? I’m not like… super into babies. At least with 6 months and up I’m not afraid I’ll break them.” Cosima shrugs. “I mean, they are definitely cute. But I am still working, not playing and cooing into their drooly faces.”

“Really?” Delphine looks over in surprise putting two polka-dotted egg shaped shakers into the basket.

Cosima sits up and continues nodding pleasantly. “Yeah… I mean… I never thought I was interested in having kids at all until like… two years ago. Now I am just so fascinated by their development I might actually consider it. But like… one or two… not like… a ton.” 

Delphine laughs at this. “That… that’s good.” 

“Come on… let’s go get a quick bite.” Cosima invites, she rises to her feet and extends a hand to Delphine. “It’s getting late, and I know you didn’t eat lunch.”

“Cosima…” Delphine sighs, she looks up at her and lets Cosima help her to her feet. She tries not to look too closely at Cosima’s hands. Tries to pretend Cosima is anyone else and their history doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t. She had been so young when they met.   
  


“Yeah I know you just said yes to shut me up in front of Dr. Yamashita.” Cosima sighs. “I am not letting you out of it this easy. Let’s go grab a quick dinner and then we can meet up here in the morning. Or… at a brunch restaurant.”

“Brunch?”

“The perfect place to start to work through our awkwardness… followed by an afternoon of what I hope will be fun.” Cosima gives her a quick smile again and Delphine knows she doesn’t want to say no. She’s curious. 

She lets Cosima lead her to one of the many cafeterias on campus and they both quickly order food. A pita sandwich is the best option, she decides. She can eat it quickly and run if things become too awkward.

  
“Is that all you want?” Cosima looks her over.

  
“Yes.” Delphine nods and then busies herself ordering her sandwich with chicken souvlaki and vegetables.

  
She tries not to look at Cosima again until after they’ve cashed out. Even though she is sure Cosima is talking to her, trying to get her attention. 

“I don’t eat meat anymore.” Cosima volunteers unasked when she looks at what looks to be a stir fry with tofu. “And yeah… I know… campus food. But hey, in a pinch…”

“OK.” Delphine nods. “You’re vegetarian?”

“Mostly… I go through stints of veganism but it hasn’t stuck yet. Probably will eventually.” Cosima yawns. “I am waiting until they get better approximations of cheese.”

Delphine nods politely moving to sit at a table out of the way.

“So… tell me all about… you.” Cosima prompts, leaning in and picking up her plastic fork to begin picking at her stir fry.

“I…” Delphine looks around helplessly. What can she say? What can she tell Cosima? She’s already lied about having boyfriend. So she’ll have to maintain that fiction.

Cosima looks at her, but instead of looking frustrated like Delphine expects she looks at her softly. Like she used to. “Just… start somewhere. We can start with work.”

“Alright. Well… I’m doing a postdoctoral fellowship here with Dr. Yamashita, and I am preparing to run a project of my own next year. It is.. In the preparatory phase.”

“I know that.” Cosima shoots back at her. “So… were you in Paris? Before you came to Canada.”

“Yes. Lille only to visit my family these days. I’ve also worked in Switzerland and Belgium, I’ve travelled around Europe.” Delphine looks around helplessly. “I… I spoke to my brother a few days ago. He is in Paris, permanently.”

“Louis?” Cosima remembers the name. “I guess he’s.. What? 25 now?”

“26.” Delphine corrects. Not that it matters. Cosima remembers. She wonders what other details Cosima remembers. 

“So that’s where your boyfriend is.” Cosima surmises, not forgetting what she’s told her.   
  


“Yes.” Delphine nods. “Jérôme.” She substitutes in the name of her last ex-boyfriend. Who she’d broken up with more than three years ago. Hiding a lie in a truth was probably the safest option.

“Is he another doctor?” Cosima looks at her, as if she is assessing everything. Likely trying to draw conclusions on whether or not Delphine is happy. If she can steal her away.

“Yes.” Delphine admits. “He is a gynecologist.” She remembers the translation of Jêrome’s profession. It is all so very unfortunate. Cosima is probably more likely to dig into it due to his profession. Maybe she should have lied about that too.

“Oooh… yeah man who studied women’s reproductive systems and health... And is probably full of himself… Nope. Hard pass.” Cosima jokes. “How do you put up with it?”

“Cosima…” Delphine warns her, trying to prevent this line of questioning. Afraid it will lead to the reasons she broke up with Jérôme in the first place. All she knows about Jérôme currently is the hospital he works at, the younger woman he took a PACS union with, and that he is very likely directly contributing at this very moment to France’s abysmal breastfeeding rates.

“So you met… in med school?” Cosima presumes.

“Yes. But … not until near the end.” Delphine agrees. “We started dating, and now we are here.”   
  


Cosima shakes her head. “Delphine… you’ve been with him for what… four or five years? Minimum?”

Delphine nods, not really trusting her voice to lie again. “Yes. Five years.” She decides on a good fictitious amount of time. Something solid. Something Cosima can not easily overcome.

“So… how do you just… leave your partner and likely, your home, in Paris and then come here for multiple years? Are you like… flying back and forth as often as possible? Is he coming here?” Cosima looks at her utterly perplexed by her fake relationship and Delphine thinks she’s truly fucked up. That it will give it away too easily. That Cosima will not believe it.

“It’s complicated.” Delphine chooses instead. “Not all couples need constant togetherness… this relationship thrives under periods of extended separation. And then when we reunite…” Delphine cuts herself off, trying to create a sexual connotation. That much was partially true, the sex with Jérôme had been excellent. It’s a shame the truth was she couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him now.

“You fuck his brains out. Or vice versa… I get it.” Cosima goes quiet. 

Delphine gives her a small half-smile. “I will go to brunch with you tomorrow. But… it is not a date.”

“Not a date. I get it…” Cosima sighs, clearly disappointed. “But… I am still going to show you a really good time.”

“I am counting on it.” Delphine responds. “Show me around Toronto. Let’s… let’s have some fun.” At the very least, she wouldn’t be bored. 

“I am going to show you the time of your life.” Cosima looks at her mischievously. “You know, again.”

“Cosima!” Delphine cannot help but laugh at Cosima. To admire her brash nature, the totally confident way she held herself, as if she knew just how irresistible she was. She lets her eyes drift over Cosima, the pale olive skin, the soft brown eyes. Even the dreads, a new but welcome addition to her former lover’s appearance. Cosima’s beauty. That she hasn’t forgotten. 

“See? Not so bad.” Cosima reaches out, just enough to touch her hand. “Your food is going to get cold.”

“Non. Not so bad.” Delphine agrees.


	9. If I can't change your mind

_ Cosima _

_ May _ 18  _ 2018 _

Cosima wonders if Delphine will even show. It definitely seemed like Delphine’s relationship with Jerome was mostly sexual. And only took place in short bursts. Maybe they didn’t get along that well in extended proximity? She could hope at any rate. It didn’t seem right, but then again, people had all kinds of different preferences when it came to romantic relationships.

Cosima stands near the lab, where she and Delphine had agreed to meet. She texts Delphine again, hoping that Delphine is just running late. That Delphine won’t decide to stand her up.

  
“Cosima… what are you doing here… it’s Friday?” Madison looks at her quizzically, looking slightly rounder than last week. “You’re rarely in on Fridays.”

“Oh I’m waiting for someone.” Cosima attempts to sound casual. After all, she’s been working with Madison for like two and a half years. She notices Madison is suddenly looking much rounder. Weird. 

Madison nods briefly, shifting her weight. “Can you take over TAing for the developmental neurobiology course for September? I’ve already suggested you to Daniel as my replacement. But he wants you to say yes before he agrees.”

“Umm… I guess so?” Cosima considers. “I’ll definitely apply for it, if you’re giving it up.” She’d wanted that TA job initially, but Madison had landed it. Maybe this would be a good opportunity for her.

“I have to… I won’t be able to do much that term. I’ll give birth and have a newborn.”

  
“Right…” Cosima nods. “So… how is that all going?”

“Baby girl is doing well. I’m trying to get Chris to talk names for her but he’s still… moping.” Madison sighs. “So I have a list and I’ll get him to help whittle it down when he is ready.”

“Maybe you just tell him if he doesn’t perk up and get excited about having a girl, he won’t get a say in her name.”

“Hah... You should have seen him when I told him I wanted to hyphenate her name.”

“You didn’t take his name?” Cosima tries to conceal her surprise. Maybe she’s misjudged Madison a little. 

  
“No way. I’m established under Madison Rowe… I’m not changing it. Chris complained but I pointed out it was for professional reasons and he accepted it.” Madison shrugs. “I told him if we’d married earlier it would have been different. But we didn’t. And that’s on him.”

“Tell him the choices are Baby Rowe or Baby Rowe-hyphen-whatever.” Cosima informs her with a shrug. She doesn’t remember Chris’s surname. She’s only met the man three or four times in two and a half years.

Madison shakes her head. “I can’t do that. He’s the dad. He has to agree.”

“Uhh you’re the one growing a baby in your uterus. And you’re the one who is going to give birth, and recover from giving birth and ...feed the kid.” Cosima looks at Madison with eyes wide. “I’d say you have more say. In everything.”

“Oh he wants to feed the baby too.” Madison brushes it off. “We’re buying a pump. We’re working that part out. He won’t cloth diaper though… says it’s gross.”

“Right…” Cosima nods. Privately she suspects the dude will feed the baby maybe three times ever and leave it to Madison after that, but she says nothing.

“So… ummm what’s with you and Delphine? Like either she really doesn’t like you or...” Madison trails off, likely hoping Cosima will choose to fill her in.

“Ah… you noticed?” Cosima wonders aloud. So far Madison had seemed oblivious. 

“Eventually yes.” Madison laughs. “Is she… like an ex of yours?”

“Umm sort of? We were teenagers.” Cosima brushes it off. “It was only one summer.” She tries to be respectful of Delphine’s wishes. 

“She doesn’t look gay.” Madison points out. “Like with you, I can see it, maybe... But Delphine? No way. »

“What… what does looking gay have anything to do with anything? And I think she’s bisexual.” Cosima shrugs. “Not that it matters.”

“I guess not.” Madison nods. “Well, see you around.”

“Bye Madison.” Cosima waves her off and continues to walk around the front of the building waiting for Delphine. She has to show. She said she’d show.   
  


Cosima sits down on a bench, she crosses her legs and wonders if the outfit she chose was wrong. It wasn’t that different than what Delphine had seen her in before, it does show off what she thinks of as her assets. But maybe it’s too sexy? At least too sexy for a not-date brunch.

“Cosima!” A familiar voice calls from across the path. “I’m sorry. I am a little late.”

“Only ten minutes.” Cosima acknowledges. “I’m the one whose usually late… so no harm done.”

“Good.” Delphine stops taking a deep breath and Cosima realizes Delphine must have ran across campus. 

“So… where do you want to go?” Cosima asks, her relief palpable.

“This was your idea.” Delphine reminds her, even as she falls into step beside her.

“Awesome. Let’s walk, unless you’re super hungry?”

“Non. Just a little.” 

“Awesome.” Cosima nods. “Anyway there’s this totally hipster brunch place not too far from here. It’s hell trying to get in on the weekends. But Fridays aren’t bad.” 

She rambles on and Delphine continues following, they wander closer towards Church, and on towards Cabbagetown when they find it.

  
“Here.” Cosima pulls Delphine gently by the wrist through the door.

“Hi ladies!” A young person wearing a half-apron calls from a few metres away. “Take a seat, I’ll be right with you.”

Delphine takes her seat, and looks around. Cosima watches her eyes. She sees a few patrons eating brunch but not many. 

“What is it?”

“Is this… a gay restaurant?” Delphine lowers her voice.

  
“Well it’s pretty damn close to the village. But we’re technically in Cabbagetown. And I do think the owner is gay, yes. And a few of the staff are queer. But I assure you the food is excellent and no one is going to suggest you start eating pussy in order to eat here.” Cosima deadpans. 

“Cosima!” 

“You called it a gay restaurant.” Cosima points out.

“I guess that was rude. It doesn’t matter.” Delphine mutters as the server slides back up to their table, and quickly looking between the two of them places menus in front of them and shoots a quick look at Cosima.

“Hey Kai.” Cosima waves at the server. “Little more space please.”

“Right.” Kai responds, and goes back to the kitchen. “It’s Cosima again, Joe. And she brought a straight girl.” Kai had never been one for discretion but the food would be worth it, Cosima told herself.

Delphine furrows her brow. “You know the server? How often do you come here?”

“I know the restaurant. And often enough.” Cosima shrugs. “Anyway… what held you up this morning?”

“I was… considering my options.” Delphine admits.

“You were going to stand me up.”

“I was not.” Delphine insists. “I just… I am not sure how comfortable I am with this.”   
  


“So close your eyes and pretend it’s 2007 and we’re having mickey mouse shaped pancakes at Disneyland in Anaheim again.” 

“Cosima…” Delphine looks at her as if to chide her, but she looks soft. 

Cosima takes this to heart, this is going well. “Oh come on… you remember that weekend?”

“I do… it was the third one. We stayed one night at a hostel off-site. We rode rides and ate ridiculous Disney themed foods…” Delphine looks at her gently. 

“I can talk about that one right? Because it was before we...?” Cosima asks. Before anything of significance anway.

“Yes.” Delphine nods. 

“It was a good weekend.”

“I thought… I thought you’d prefer discussing the fourth weekend.” Delphine drops her voice.

“Nope.” Cosima shakes her head. “I mean it was great. But… so were the first three. We had a lot of fun together, Delphine.”

“We did.” Delphine nods. “Part of me is surprised that you… that you drove from San Francisco to see me after.”

“Delphine… I was totally crazy about you.” Cosima offers openly. “I’m not saying that because I want anything. It’s just.. Honest. I know you have a boyfriend in France. I know you don’t want to date me. But… that’s the truth.”

“Not quite crazy enough.” Delphine responds, looking down at the table.

  
She cannot think how to respond to that. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong. They had been teenagers. It was just… a thing, maybe more than a fling. But it wasn’t really a relationship either. They hadn’t labelled it then.

“How are your cousins these days? Did their mother ever figure out Thomas liked to wear your clothes?”

Delphine laughs. “I have barely spoken to them in a decade. I mean, I saw them at Mémé’s house a few times. But their mother had already told them to avoid me.”

Cosima frowns looking back. “Why?”

  
“She did not tell them why.” Delphine reiterates without answering the question.

“Oh shit… they did have extra nanny cams didn’t they?” Cosima winces. “Like… that’s the only way I can think of that…”

Delphine reddens and shakes her head. “They had one outside near the pool.”

“Oh… well.. We didn’t do anything that bad in the pool.” Cosima tries brightly. 

“I was never invited back.” Delphine tells her. “That was the end of my summers in California.”

“I’m sorry. But… I’m also not sorry because your aunt is an evangelical crazy person, and I don’t know how your uncle puts up with her really.”

Delphine shrugs. “I don’t think he much cares. It doesn’t affect him, except he goes to church with her the weekends he doesn’t work. Or he did. It has been a long time since I spoke with Oncle Michel.” 

“So... big questions?” Cosima asks softly. That sounds like a safe place to start.

“Alright.” Delphine agrees, crossing her legs. “After we order brunch. I am starving.”

“Kai!” Cosima hollers at their server. “We’re ready to order. I’ll have my regular… and Delphine…”

“Anything else with that? Do you want extra pico de gallo?” Kai asks. “Avocado?”

“Yes. And tea.” Cosima nods. “A pot of chai, please.”

“Also tea. Black tea.” Delphine says. She glances at the menu quickly. “I’ll take the eggs benedict.”

  
“Do you want breakfast potatoes with that?” Kai looks at her.

“She does. They’re good.” Cosima tells them both and with that Kai swans back to the kitchen. 

“Right… I’ll go get Joe started on this and be back with the tea.” Kai sighs. “Just don’t get too crazy.”

“Is he always like that?” Delphine looks at their server.

“Not a he.  _ They _ .” Cosima corrects nonchalantly. “And they are yeah. But the food is excellent.”

Delphine nods politely, biting her lip.

“It’s no big deal.” Cosima assures her. “I see more and more nonbinary people in queer circles every year. The ones a decade younger than us even more so.”   
  


“Right.” 

“So still an atheist?”

Delphine laughs. “More or less. Less extreme than when I was young, maybe a little more open to the possibility of the unknown. But I do not believe in any god or religion. Are you still agnostic?”

“Yes.” Cosima grins. “Might believe in reincarnation. Not sure. I’m open to different perspectives on the void. Neurons firing as you die. Afterlife. It doesn’t really matter. People deserve respect without the idea of an eternal reward or punishment. And I am OK not really knowing whether my soul goes somewhere post-mortem or if I’ll just decompose and go back to the earth.”

“Alright.” Delphine nods. “Why do you study infants?”

“Because their brains are doing amazing things. Like, the development in the first year life is insane. I wouldn’t have believed it a decade ago but that’s where the action is. I thought I’d study adolescents or chimps but the reality is I can do a lot studying babies.” Cosima explains readily. “Not a hit on dates though, let me tell you.”

“I studied microbiomes and infant feeding. And had to leave France to get enough breastfed infants for my sample because I needed infants nursed for months not weeks.” Delphine deadpans. “No man wants to listen to me talk about breastmilk, formula or baby poop.”

Cosima laughs. “Even sexy French Jerome?” She cannot resist teasing. Part of her wants to pry in, to pull bits of this relationship apart to see what’s holding Delphine to this man she doesn’t seem to want to be around.

“Jérôme assures his patients that formula is better for their _vie_ _de_ _femme_ , their independence and their husbands.” Delphine rolls her eyes. “He is a competent doctor but he is subject to the same cultural influences teaching him that breasts are there for his pleasure. Even when they’re tender and preparing for lactation.”

Cosima is suddenly feeling hopeful again. “Anyway big question … what do you want your life to look like when you’re 40?”

“That’s 11 years from now.” Delphine looks at her impatiently. “How am I supposed to know that?”

“More like ten and a half, solstice baby.” She tries her best to charm Delphine.

Delphine stops, biting her lip, eyes wide. “You remember my birthday?”

“December 21st. Yep.” Cosima grins madly.

“I remember yours is March but I’m not sure what day.” Delphine admits softly. “We… we only knew each other that one summer, and by March…” Delphine trails off sadly shaking her head.

“Totally fine. It’s the 9th, for future reference.” Cosima explains. “So?”

“I don’t know Cosima… maybe get married, get tenure, have two children, do interesting research. Maybe here. Maybe in Europe.” Delphine shrugs, seemingly attempting nonchalance.

“So… you want to marry Jerome?” Cosima folds her hands against the table but looks over to see Delphine not answering.

“I guess so.” Delphine responds thoughtfully.

“That doesn’t sound like ringing endorsement.” Cosima points out, trying to be gentle. And it’s clear all of a sudden, so clear she knows this is all bullshit. 

“I guess I’m more focused on my career.” Delphine tells her, sounding suddenly somewhat forced.

“You’re not in love with him.” Cosima says suddenly, looking into the eyes of a now guilty looking Delphine. “You don’t love him anymore.” That must be it. Cosima thinks; that this relationship was the cold remains of whatever youthful passion had struck during Delphine’s residency. The only question was what was holding them together now?

Delphine winces at the accusation. “Cosima…. It is complicated”

Kai chooses this moment to put a pot of tea and two novelty mugs on the table. “Food will be ready in less than ten minutes. I’ll give you two more space now.” 

“Right… thanks Kai. Can I get pineapple juice too?” Cosima asks, tilting her head at probably her least favourite and most nosy server here. But at least the food would be good.

“Thank you.” Delphine addresses Kai directly, and then returns her attention to Cosima, though she looks to see what other patrons are eating. And it all looks good. Cosima thinks. More than good. She’s planned this date well.

“Hey, do you want to go to the aquarium after?” Cosima asks on a sudden whim. She wants to impress Delphine and that sounds like a surefire way to bring this into dare territory. 

“The aquarium?” Delphine repeats stunned. “Toronto has an aquarium?”

“Yeah I don’t know why but I love it. You will too.” Cosima assures her. “It’s a quick subway ride, and we’ll spend the afternoon there.” 

“Alright. We can go to the aquarium but this is still not a date.” Delphine tells her firmly.

“That’s fine.” Cosima shrugs. “I’m having fun.”

“So am I.” Delphine admits softly. “So… big question?”

“Shoot!” Cosima urges Delphine on, leaning across the table, resting her weight on her elbows. She looks good in the dress she’s wearing, and she knows Delphine is looking. This is working.


	10. Feeling This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was pulled for revisions, this is the newer version. Apologies.

_Delphine_

_Late July 2007_

The drive back had seemed oddly short, especially after a second day of waiting in lines and riding rides. It had been perfect, Delphine thinks, even as Cosima is swiping her parking pass to access the lot. It had been totally worth it. Especially with only two weeks left of camp. 

Cosima pulls her CRV into park and turns off the car. “OK. That was fun. Last time I went to Disneyland I was ten. Totally worth it.” Cosima is grinning madly at her and it makes her feel insanely light.

“It was. I go with my little cousins at least once a summer but I had more fun with you.” It had been fun, maybe the most fun she’s ever had at an amusement park. Certainly the most fun she’s had in California.

They walk back to the dormitory in tired silence. It’s already dark outside, Delphine muses. It’s definitely later than they planned to get back. Especially knowing new campers would arrive by 8 am tomorrow. Another exhausting week to go.

“I’ll order us a pizza for dinner?” Delphine offers. Something easy. They hadn’t eaten and they need to sleep soon. And morning would come soon. They take the stairs back up to the second floor, noting that both Melissa and Katie have long returned from whatever they’d done on the weekend.

“Hey Cosima. Hi Delphine.” Katie waves, plodding down the hallway in frog slippers, toothbrush and shampoo in hand. “How was Disneyland?”

“Wonderful.” Delphine answers with a wide grin. “We had fun.”

“Yeah it was great.” Cosima agrees readily. “Do you two want dinner?”

“Already ate.” Melissa yawns. “We’re going to turn in soonish. We thought you’d be back hours ago. It’s like 10pm.”

“Yeah we are kind of late.” Cosima says apologetically. “But no campers til 8 am tomorrow.”

Melissa and Katie laugh it off. And they return to their shared dorm, unlocking the door, replacing their sleeping bags on the beds.

“I am exhausted.” Delphine sighs lying down. “I am going to order us a pizza and then I am going to lay here until it arrives.”

“Perfect. I’m going to shower.” Cosima plops down her bag on her bed, throwing her rolled up sleeping bag on top. 

“Alright. I’ll read and go after you.” Delphine has opted to give Cosima more privacy when she bathes. She doesn’t need a repeat of that conversation. She wants to be more considerate, give Cosima an appropriate amount of space. Even though it’s made showering a little more difficult with high weekday demands on the washrooms.

She quickly calls a pizza place she’s had before and orders a large pizza and honey garlic wings. That should be a good late supper, and then she and Cosima can crash. She looks for something to read and opts to grab one of Cosima’s books. The title and author are unfamiliar, but she opts to give it a try.

She opens the book and it falls open to page 24. Two photographs fall out and Delphine peers down at them. _Oh!_ Delphine’s brow furrows as she takes in the photographs Cosima had tucked into one of her books. In it, Cosima sits on the lap of another girl, their lips pressed together for the camera. 

Cosima _kissing_ a girl. The next photo is a polaroid, in it, Cosima lays behind the same seemingly naked girl, with her hands clasped over ample breasts. Cosima’s face peeks over the girl’s shoulder, mouth wide and smiling. Clearly Cosima’s lover, Delphine acknowledges but she sits thinking, staring at the photographs she was never supposed to see. She should look away, should tuck them carefully back into the book and never mention them. She sits with the image in her mind, seeing how happy Cosima looks. She cannot quite look away, wondering what it might feel like. 

Delphine is contemplating this as Cosima returns. Cosima had never mentioned a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Cosima… hadn’t talked much about dating or sex at all. Or ever. And maybe, Delphine realizes, bringing her hands to her blushing face, that was intentional

A niggling doubt wiggles its way into her mind. The joy and delight she feels in Cosima’s presence. How much she loves looking at Cosima, watching her beautiful animated face. C’est… un coup de coeur? Delphine finds herself wondering. Does she really have a crush on Cosima? 

“What… what are you looking at? What happened?” Cosima stands in front of her in her pyjamas, the door swung open behind her for only a moment before the weight of it forces it closed again. Hair wet and nearly down to her shoulders. 

“I was looking for something to read. I didn’t mean to find it. Your photographs. Of your umm girlfriend.” Delphine bows her head, she feels guilty now. She shouldn’t have seen. Shouldn’t know.

“Ex-girlfriend.” Cosima corrects quickly. “I just… I don’t know how to get rid of them. Especially the…I should just burn them. Haven’t yet.” 

“I understand.” Delphine tries to convey acceptance and understanding. She wants Cosima in her life, as her friend at the very least, and she doesn’t want to ruin things. She needs this in her life. 

“So, you’re OK with this?” Cosima looks at her, gesturing between the two of them.

“I… I don’t have a problem with it.” Delphine assures her. She doesn’t of course, it’s just a surprise. She’d made an assumption about Cosima, and she’d been wrong. What did it matter who Cosima wanted to make love to? It shouldn’t matter at all. Her own reactions aside, it wasn’t anything that needed to matter. Except… Delphine sighs, looking at Cosima again, still feeling so very much the same. Maybe it did, maybe it changed things. Maybe Cosima’s habit of gently reaching out to touch her meant something. Maybe… maybe something unexpected was growing between them.

“I didn’t tell you… and ...I’m sorry.” Cosima looks uncomfortable and it is all her fault. 

“You don’t need to be sorry.” Delphine reaches out and squeezes Cosima’s nearest hand. “You’ve done nothing wrong.” Cosima had been afraid, Delphine realizes and she must comfort her. She quickly reaches out to bring Cosima in to what is supposed to be a reassuring hug. She kisses her cheek softly, knowing that she enjoys this a little too much. 

But Cosima leans in then, and kisses her, full on the mouth. It feels better than expected. Softer than she’d imagined a kiss could be. Even the taste of Cosima’s mouth was sweet. Delphine knows she should stop her, should pull away but she cannot bring herself to do it. 

“Oh.” Delphine breathes out. 

Cosima pulls back with a satisfied expression. “Yeah.” 

“Cosima!” She shakes her head in warning. Her eyes wide. Why had this happened between the two of them and why couldn’t she stop looking at Cosima? Maybe she was overreacting. She enjoyed the kiss, enjoyed Cosima, and… there was nothing wrong with this. Except… except being caught would be a disaster. Aunt Lisa didn’t even want her around if she had a boyfriend never mind...

“What? Isn’t that what we’re doing here?” Cosima pulls back for only a moment. Hovering closely. 

Delphine is quick to shake her head. “I can’t! I’ve never and I _can’t_ !” She tries to keep her voice low, the last thing she wants is to be overheard. She looks to the small window, the blank white walls and finally back to Cosima. Beautiful, cheeky, intelligent Cosima. Delphine sighs despite herself. She _likes_ her. A lot.

“Delphine… I don’t care if you’re a virgin. I don’t. We can be together.” Cosima looks tenderly at her, stroking her hair. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I’m not a _lesbian_.” Delphine mutters out. “I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be. I don’t even… I mean I never considered…” Homosexuality? Bisexuality? Did it have to matter? 

Cosima cups her face in her hands. “We have this connection, you feel it too. So let’s just… ditch the labels and enjoy ourselves.”

“Ditch the labels?” Delphine repeats perplexed. They certainly have an emotional connection, Delphine considers. But it wasn’t like she’d spent the last two weeks thinking about getting into Cosima’s bed, no matter how beautiful and captivating Cosima is.

“We don’t need to define everything or fit neatly into perfect boxes. We can just be us.” Cosima pleads gently with her. “No one needs to know.”

“We can just...be together?” Delphine echoes the sentiment. Being with Cosima doesn’t sound scary. Cosima will be gentle with her, she knows that. It sounds right anyway, letting herself...love Cosima. Letting things just be. Not needing to be anything to love Cosima.

“Of course…” Cosima kisses her softly again and she has to respond, wrapping her arms around Cosima’s small perfect body. She kisses her again and again, tongue running over Cosima’s open lips and then inside her mouth. It feels good, Delphine admits to herself. Kissing Cosima feels good. 

“Delphine…” Cosima moans softly, kissing her again. Letting her tongue delve into her mouth, deepening the kiss as they clutch at each other. Fingers digging firmly into hips and shoulders. 

“Cosima…Tu sens si bien.” Delphine murmurs between kisses. She kisses deeper, presses closer, without really meaning to.

Cosima whimpers into her mouth at the sound and it sends a flood of heat through her body, settling between her legs. Oh no… Delphine thinks for a minute. 

“Cosima.” She purrs instead, cupping Cosima’s face in her hands as she kisses her again and again. She tries to feign confidence, experience, things she sorely lacks. But it seems to be enough. Cosima presses against her and she moans softly, which in turn excites Cosima more. It builds on its own, she barely has to think about it. It’s instinct, Delphine muses, parts of it anyway.

Eventually, Cosima pushes her back by the shoulders, breathing heavily. Looking almost overwhelmed. 

“Why are you stopping?” Delphine clings to Cosima as she moves to separate their bodies. Maybe she had done something wrong.

“I just… I need to stop. This is...too much right now.” Cosima chokes out, lowering her head a little, hair beginning to dry into waves.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Oh god no! I am so turned on right now,” Cosima admits. “Like, insanely. You’re incredible.”

Delphine looks up at Cosima. “What… what should I do?” She should do something, should try to give Cosima what she wants. She’s done that much before, and she didn’t like him nearly as much. Maybe she should try to do something, but just for Cosima.

“Nothing. We… we don’t need to do everything right now. I just… I want to take our time.” Cosima tells her firmly. “I just… I want you to know how you make me _feel_.”

Her cell phone rings, interrupting the moment. “Yes. I’ll come down to the door and get the order. Thank you.” Delphine speaks into the phone. 

“Do you want me to throw on sweats and get the pizza?” Cosima offers. “You could take a quick shower. Meet me back here?”

“Alright.” Delphine agrees, closing her eyes. She’d been kissing Cosima, pressing her body into Cosima’s and it leaves her mind spinning frantically. How can she feel like this? How is this...better than what she’s done before? Maybe it _is_ love. Or maybe she _is_ a lesbian after all. Her ex-boyfriend hadn’t made her feel this way, as tall and handsome as he was. 

She opts to shower as quickly as possible. She chooses to ignore her arousal. It’s better that way. No one else needs to know that. Even Cosima. She can let it be emotional between them, because it surely is. Intellectual. Emotional… everything.

She returns in her pyjamas to find Cosima waiting for her. “You’re not eating?”

“I wanted to wait for you. Sit down.” Cosima pats the bed beside her and Delphine awkwardly settles her long body down.

“I… I really like you, Cosima.” Delphine whispers softly. Then chooses to eat a slice of still warm pizza rather than confront what they’ve just done. It had only been kissing, but.. It leaves her head spinning.

“You’re an amazing kisser.” Cosima groans, helping herself to a slice. “Like, I was not expecting that. Just… wow.”

“You were… very good.” Delphine blushes.

“I want you.” Cosima tells her bluntly, cupping her flushed cheek in her hand. “I don’t even know how to deal with how much I want you, Delphine.”

”But you know…?”

“That you’re a virgin who's never kissed a girl before? Yup.” Cosima nods, then stops to take another bite of pizza. “That is totally OK.”

“So… what do you want?” Delphine looks at Cosima closely, as if that can help her figure it out.

“Well, right now we need to eat and sleep… because it’s after 11 pm and you know our new campers will run us ragged.”

“Just… eat and sleep?” Delphine asks softly. 

“Yeah. That’s all we need to do tonight. The rest… we’ll work it out.” Cosima gives her a half-smile that does nothing to help her simmering arousal. Or her responding heart.

“OK.” Delphine agrees. She tries to focus on the food, reminding herself how exhausted she is. And in the end she slips into her sleeping bag and wonders how Cosima is sleeping so easily? How can this have so little effect on her?

* * *

_May_ _18th_ _2018_

Delphine follows Cosima through Ripley’s Aquarium. It feels oddly calm, tranquil, watching the many fish. Through the tunnel she feels like she could stare into the tank for a small eternity. It, at the very least, is a welcome distraction from staring hopelessly at Cosima. 

“Isn’t it incredible?” Cosima gestures slowly, hands tracing patterns in the air. “It just… It just makes me feel so meditative.” 

“It is.” Delphine agrees. She stays close to Cosima, eager to follow behind to see more. She finds herself tranquil, looking at the numerous fish and sharks, taking note of the various sting rays.

“We should come back when they feed the stingrays. It’s hilarious. Their little mouths chomping.” Cosima mimes it out. “I love it here.”

“It was worth the trip. So any more big questions?” She tries to guide things with Cosima back to a comfortable place. Something she remembers. 

“Do you think we have free will?”

“Absolutely.” Delphine responds. “You know I do not believe in god or fate. No puppetmasters pulling the strings directing our lives.” She never has, and hopefully Cosima remembers that much.

“Yeah but, what about like… biological determinism. Instinct?” Cosima suggests flippantly. “Or like… inescapable consequences?”

“If some individuals struggle resisting their basic instincts to achieve their goals, then that is their problem.” Delphine laughs. “We, as species, have free will.”

“What about…” Cosima trails off, as they move to sit out of the way near one of the larger tank windows. “What about the value of people? Do we all have equal value?”

“Non.” Delphine answers without thinking, likely ruining their game.

“Oh… oh no… you’re one of those superiority people.” Cosima begins laughing. “Are we going to have to branch into eugenics, because I am so not down with that.” 

“No, I am serious. There are murderers and violent criminals that should not be held to the same value as others in society.” Delphine offers. “I am not saying we should kill them, but their rights and freedoms must be restricted until they are rehabilitated enough to rejoin society without reoffending.” 

“Oh.. well at least you’re not selling out children, or the chronically ill, or the elderly… Just violent criminals?” Cosima is almost nonchalant in her response and the juxtaposition makes Delphine laugh more.

“Non-violent crime doesn’t concern me.” Delphine shrugs. “They violated the rules of society but it is not like they killed or assaulted anybody.”

“Oh now we’re getting into absolute wrong.” Cosima crosses her legs and pulls her closer with one hand. 

“Why?”

“Do you think killing is ever justifiable? What about in self-defense? Or a mother killing someone attacking her child? Or a woman killing her abuser?”

“Those are very specific scenarios.” Delphine considers a moment. “I think… in some situations, it could be justified yes. But it becomes extremely complex.” 

Cosima drops her voice, knowing that a public aquarium may not be the best place for serious philosophical discussion. “Would you kill someone to protect someone else?”

“Maybe.” Delphine shrugs. “It depends on how much I love them. Or the nature of the situation. Very few things in life are black and white.” 

“More nuanced than young Delphine.” Cosima comments, she grins madly and pulls Delphine in a little more.

“I grew up, Cosima.” Delphine smiles back. “I am not the young girl I was.”

“You are… just older.” Cosima wrinkles her nose playfully. 

“I am older.” Delphine agrees. “As are you, but you do not look it, ma chérie. I think you could still pass for a teenager.” 

“Oooh… flattery.” Cosima smiles wider if anything. “So if we are open to nuance and possibility, do you think we might have souls?” 

Delphine stares briefly into the tank behind Cosima, she watches the stingrays glide about, the small ones the size of salad plates, the largest ones the size of tables. How was this so perfect? Why had Cosima brought her here? How had she known? 

“I will admit, it might be theoretically possible for humans to have souls. We have ...consciousness…” Delphine tries to express herself, hunting her brain for the right words to use in English. “I mean… we know energy is expelled from the body at death, perhaps the soul goes with it?” She does not, however, believe in an afterlife and won’t budge on that. 

“I’ll take it.” Cosima leans in. “Sounds like we’ve both been… evolving. In a good way.” 

“I think so.” Delphine cannot help herself, she flushes a little. Something about this proximity with Cosima gets to her. 

“Oh Delphine…” Cosima sighs quietly and leans in, and foolishly Delphine doesn’t move back.

Instead she sits there, leaning in to close the gap herself, letting Cosima’s lips make slow soft contact with her own. She lets Cosima kiss her for a moment or two, lips tentatively brushing and massaging and finally something in her gives out and she kisses back.

A long forgotten feeling explodes behind her sternum, and she kisses Cosima softly, letting a hand tangle in her dreads. The rough texture surprises her, Delphine lets herself play for a moment before Cosima backs up. She inhales deeply, finding that beneath the scent of marijuana and perfume, Cosima’s skin still smells the same. 

“OK… You are still an incredible kisser.” Cosima seems hazy, stunned, and perhaps it is only fair that she has this effect on Cosima too.

Still, it is a mistake. Delphine tells herself instantly. She is _not_ gay, and kissing Cosima is a mistake. One she’s made before. So much for overcoming her baser instincts. She knows where this leads, Delphine sighs, looking at Cosima, looking as beautiful as ever in a dark red dress. What had she been thinking agreeing to any of this?

But then Cosima says. “I am so happy we met again. I want to go out again, just the two of us. Maybe for dinner next weekend? Or a movie?” 

“OK.” Delphine agrees. She wants to tell Cosima it is not a date, that she cannot give her what she wants but she cannot bring herself to say it looking into Cosima’s warm brown eyes. What was happening to her? She wasn't some idiotic naive 18 year old. She was a grown woman. She should be able to hang on to her better judgement in Cosima's presence.

“Do you find you’re remembering more things the more time we spend together?” Cosima poses the question gently. 

“Yes.” 

“Context dependent memory. Fun, isn’t it?” Cosima teases slightly. “I… I keep remembering all kind of things about you. And… I feel so much.”

“I keep thinking about it, too. You know, I still have your necklace - the heart one.” Delphine smiles, glancing into the tank. The stingrays now showing off, the larger ones seemingly enjoying it. It was perfect, she thinks they should move on, explore the rest of the aquarium. Maybe she could have something with Cosima, maybe she could try again.

“I still have your virginity.” Cosima grins madly. Her cell phone rings, but Cosima ignores it sitting across from her on the small ledge. 

She blushes, unable to help herself. “I guess you do.” Of course _Cosima_ would feel that way. It made sense the more Delphine thought about it. But bringing it up has her feeling more and more vulnerable. She’d avoided talking about it or thinking about it for years. Why does she have to delve back into it now?

“What do you mean, _you guess_?” Cosima’s tone grows harsher.

“My next boyfriend… he said you didn’t count because you don’t have a … and sometimes I almost believed it.” Delphine tells her honestly. Cosima counts as something no matter what Matthieu told her, she thinks. Cosima certainly mattered to her, it was her first real experience. She remembers being that girl, clutching at Cosima wanting nothing more than to be held in her arms. At the time, it had been everything.

“I counted. I was the first person to touch you. The first to be inside you.” Cosima is blunt, clearly more than a little hurt.

“I know. I know you do. Of course you count.” Delphine tries to soothe her. “But there are things you...couldn’t do to me. And things were still… difficult with Matthieu.” She doesn’t want to give details, doesn’t want to talk about Matthieu much at all, but certainly Cosima could understand that things weren’t quite… done.

“So?” Cosima shoots back, seemingly more tense by the moment. “Because some boy hurt you shoving his dick inside you… that’s more important to you than what was actually your sexual debut with me?”

“Non. But… it was another first. It was different.” Delphine tries to soften the blow. It was different. Entirely different than what she’d experienced with Cosima. Emotionally. Physically. All of it. 

“So when I was three fingers deep in you, what? That was nothing? When I put my mouth on you?” Cosima whispers softly at her shaking her head. "When we _made love_? When you told me-"

“Cosima, we’re in public.” Delphine hisses. They cannot discuss this here. Even if the aquarium is usually quiet during workdays.

“So?”

“Anyone could hear us. There are children here.” It’s inappropriate. Even more so, because they are both women. No one needs to hear about that.

Cosima softens a little, trying to draw her back in. “So come back to my place. I’ll make us supper. We’ll drink some wine and I’ll-” 

“Non!” 

“Just dinner and wine, Delphine.” Cosima suggests. “We can… take a walk outside and then hop the subway back to my place. I think I have everything to make peanut noodles and crispy tofu. It’ll be good, I promise.” 

Delphine shakes her head, drawing herself back up to stand. “You just want me back in your bed, totally obsessed with you again!” The problem is, Delphine admits it to herself, she could see that happening far too easily. Something about being in Cosima’s presence seems to bring that back out in her, and it’s terrifying.

“Delphine… We can take our time.” Cosima reiterates. “I told you that.”

“Let’s just… walk through the aquarium. Talk about fish.”

“Alright. Come on, let’s go see the leafy-sea dragons.” Cosima walks away, looking disappointed but Delphine steels herself against Cosima’s reactions.

She has to keep their relationship platonic. The kiss was, of course, another mistake. She’d just been drawn in by old memories. By an echo of the love she once felt. She can be around Cosima, Delphine tells herself rushing to catch up with her. She just needs to be careful.

  
  



	11. Spin

_ Cosima _

_ May 18 2018 _

She shouldn’t have kissed her, Cosima berates herself a little on what is ending up to be a long walk home alone. Also probably shouldn’t have talked about sex or virginity at all. Likely a mistake. Not good for easing Delphine in to anything.

It had changed things, Delphine had suddenly been less playful, less receptive to her. 

“Too far, too fast.” Cosima mutters to herself. Thinking about her planned dinner that she’d now eat alone. It’s not like she really planned on seduction. She wasn’t even sure she had enough food in the house to offer Delphine a reasonably impressive breakfast if she were to stay the night.

She feels lucky she didn’t tell any friends about her date with Delphine. Still, Delphine had kissed her, had closed the gap. There was still something there. Cosima smiled at the thought.

Her phone rings as she approaches her building. “Hey mom.”

“I tried calling earlier.” Sally tells her. “Your uncle Dominik had a heart attack. Gene’s flown out to be with him.”

“Shit. Another one? So wait… Dad’s in Boston?” Cosima tries to put it all together. Maybe she should have answered the phone earlier. It’s not like Delphine would have cared. But she didn’t want to kill the mood that ultimately kind of killed itself.

“Yes. Dad is in Boston with his brother.” Sally repeats. “Are you alright, Cosima?”

“I’m fine, Mom. Are you on the boat?” Cosima attempts to play it cool. She’s not taken her mother’s calls before. She doesn’t need to explain everything.

Sally chuckles. “Yes. But I’ll be heading home soon. Sailing isn’t as much fun without your father.”

  
“Right. Everything is fine. Research is going well.” Cosima goes to the easy topic first.

“I’m really proud of you, honey.” Sally tells her. “I know I don’t say it enough. But even with two academic parents, you carved your own path. I just wish…”

“That I called home more often? I know.” Cosima acknowledges. They were all so self-consumed. The whole Niehaus family. Even her stupid cousin Alexander. 

“So… what have the last two months been like?”

“Umm… well… funny story really. Delphine showed up at work. I mean you probably don’t remember Delphine…” Cosima wonders how to give her mother a quick cliff notes version of this story. She might as well spill with what she has in mind. 

“Wait… Delphine Cormier? The French girl?” Even Sally seems to remember and she’d only met Delphine the once.

“You remember Delphine?” Cosima cannot contain her surprise. She didn’t think her parents would remember Delphine in the long train of girls she’d paraded in and out of their home, and in and out of her bed.

“Cosima… You drove all night just to pick her up in LA and bring her back to our house and then she stayed over in your room for the better part of four days before going back to France. I remember Delphine.” Sally sighs. “Nice girl. I mean, you two got a bit loud. But… you were teenagers. Dad and I just… looked the other way. Let you have your fun.”

“Right.” Cosima nods, finally reaching her apartment. “Well she’s now Dr. Delphine Cormier, MD, PhD… and doing her postdoc with Dr. Yamashita.”

“You share lab space?”

“Some of it. So we’re in close proximity.” Cosima explains without explaining. “We… We went out for brunch today. To catch up.”   
  
“So… I take it she’s not married.” Sally laughs. “Picking up where you left off?”

“Nope.” Cosima sighs, even though she suspects her mother is only joking. “She has a doctor boyfriend back in France though. Or she  _ says _ she does. The whole thing seems  _ hella _ weird.”

“Cosima…” Her mother sighs at her in a way that exudes exasperation. “Just be careful.”

“Why?” Cosima shoots back, not really willing to entertain her mother’s concern. “You and dad used to go to swing parties! Are you seriously judging me right now?” 

“Because I remember the pining and the tears. And you’re not teenagers anymore. And if her boyfriend shows up, then what? Think it through. You don’t know her anymore. You knew the young girl, you don’t know what she became.” Sally tells her impatiently. “As for swinging, let it go, Cosima. It’s not a big deal what dad and I used to get up to.”

Cosima bristles at being parented on the far side of 30. “Right. Anything else?” Nor does she want to delve into awkward teenage memories of that discovery.

“No. I’ll update you on your uncle tomorrow. Don’t make any travel plans until I do.”

“Wait…is he like… dying?” Cosima wonders. It is a possibility, but somehow she’d been too distracted to really think it all through.

“He might.” Sally responds honestly. “If you get a chance, text your dad. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye mom.” Coisma hangs up just as she collapses onto the couch. She laughs softly to herself at the thought. Even her mom had remembered. But what good did that do now?

Cosima covers her hands with her eyes and wonders if it’s too early in the day to get stupidly stoned and not think for a while. Quiet her mind and try not to obsess over Delphine for a few hours. She rummages around for a pre-rolled joint and a lighter, then sits down on the floor. At least she has this sort of release. This sort of satisfaction. Cosima tries not to admit, even to herself, her disappointment. After all, it would only look like desperate pining.

She lays on the floor finishing her joint. It’s peaceful, she lets her body rest feeling the solid wood floor against her back. Her mind drifts though, back to Delphine, and she cannot resist remembering. The look on Delphine’s face in the shadowy back of the CRV, the little noises she made for her, clutching at her body. Delphine’s hair, loose light brown and curly to her shoulders. Delphine’s hair dyed blonde and carefully styled, curls just down to her neck. Delphine sitting next to her on the beach, laughing before kissing her breathless. Delphine striding through the lab with purpose, her high heeled boots clacking on the floor. Delphine grabbing her hair, and whimpering as she tasted her. Delphine at the aquarium, leaning in to close the gap, to kiss her back. 

She gives in, and hikes up her dress, both buzzed and aroused, she lets her fingers wander past the band of her carefully chosen undergarments. She lets herself dwell in the fantasy, touching herself gently. Almost tentatively like...

Cosima knows somewhere in the back of her mind that she shouldn’t be doing this. She shouldn’t be indulging this fantasy. She’s not even sure which Delphine she’s fucking in her head. But she lets her memories mix with fantasy. The expression on her face the first time she’d pushed inside her. The way she thinks Delphine would eagerly take her now, eyes glazing over with pleasure as her body tightens. As she promises her that she can do anything Delphine could want. That there would be so much pleasure, for both of them.

She imagines Delphine  _ wanting _ her. Wanting her mouth, then her fingers, and finally, a toy. Delphine riding her to climax on the couch. Delphine moaning her name. 

Cosima climaxes to the thought, her weight settling solidly back onto the floor once more. She is definitely in trouble if she’s thinking about buying a toy like that with the two of them in mind. Cosima wipes her fingers off on her skirt absently, noting she doesn’t feel remotely satisfied. She might be starting to pine.  _ Again _ .

  
  


* * *

_ End of July 2007 _

Cosima leads her preteen charges through campus with the practiced ease of weeks of practice. She keeps her energy high and contagious, almost chaotic, Delphine had called it. But it was effective. It kept the girls engaged.

“OK, kids, swim time.” Cosima leads them to the changeroom, passing them off to two of the day counselors, Jennifer and Beth. 

“Bye Cosima.” A few of the girls chorus and she goes to sit in one of the plasticy couches not far from here. After this, they’d have lunch together and go back to lab activities. It was a chemistry focused week, Delphine flourished in that almost as much as the biology activities. It was great to watch.

“Cosima…” A soft familiar accented voice calls to her,

Cosima shudders, and looks up to see Delphine striding towards her. Her thoughts of holding Delphine, of kissing Delphine, will have to wait. She wants to know what it’s like. All of it. And she has to wait. And Cosima Niehaus has never enjoyed waiting. It’s only been a few days, and while she feels like they’re closer, they’ve done nothing more than kiss softly at night when they’re certain no one else is around. Even so, it wasn’t enough. How could it ever be enough?

“I thought you were setting up the chem activity?” Cosima looks up delightedly.

“I was but I finished early. We have until after lunch. Walk with me?” Delphine looks down at her hopefully and Cosima feels her heart respond. 

“OK.” She quickly scrambles to her feet. “So… what are you doing on the weekend?”

“I… I don’t know yet. It’ll be our last one.” Delphine looks over at her, her expression both sad and hopeful.

“You know, it...it doesn’t have to be the end.” Cosima says quickly, following Delphine across campus. 

“What do you mean?” Delphine asks. “Are you talking about… long distance phone calls and Skype?”

“Well, like, shorter term, L.A. - it’s not  _ that _ far from San Francisco… And I have a car.” Cosima reminds her. “I mean the drive will suck yes. But I can come visit you. Even after it’s done. As long as you’re at your uncle’s place anyway.”

“You will?” Delphine blinks at her. 

Cosima nods quickly, trying to reassure her. “Of course! I really like you, Delphine.”

Delphine looks at her like she’s going to kiss her. But she doesn’t. Cosima notes, she watches the française hold herself back. It feels sad. Unnecessary.

“You know, it’s… it’s pretty safe here.” Cosima tells Delphine reaching out to stroke her face. 

“Safe to be… a lesbian?” Delphine fills in the blanks without prompting.

  
“Yeah… It’s pretty safe. San Francisco even more so. It’s… it’s ok to kiss me here if you want to.” Cosima doesn’t want to beg, doesn’t want to pine anymore to have Delphine in her arms equally enthralled. 

“Where do you want to go?” Delphine looks at her, chewing absently on her lip.

“Let’s… throw our sleeping bags in the back of the CRV… just drive. Go find some great beaches. Eat delicious food. Bring a map. Get fish and chips. Whatever. Just… drive away together.” Cosima doesn’t think she needs to spell out everything. She suspects Delphine knows. Suspects Delphine can easily read between the lines, and know that they will end up naked and entwined sometime during this trip. How could they not feeling like this?

“Drive off into the sunset?” Delphine jokes.

“Exactly. Let’s… have one perfect weekend.” Cosima urges her, stroking Delphine’s cheek softly when they’ve stopped. “I want to have everything with you.”

  
She’s quickly kissed in response, Delphine closing the gap, a little nervous at first, but relaxing as they kiss. Cosima pulls back first, and lays another soft kiss against perfect full lips.

“Oh.” Cosima sighs. She looks up at Delphine who does seem equally enthralled.

  
“Yes.” Delphine tells her. “I will go  _ anywhere _ with you.”

“Good.” Cosima breathes, leaning in for another kiss. She knows this is happening, and she can wait. She can wait a few more days.


	12. All night long

_ Delphine _

_ May 24th 2018 _

Delphine finishes up yet another day in the lab, she’d managed to assist Dr. Yamashita most of the day. Her own planning stage was put aside for now. She’d have time to plan again, later. But for now she would keep earning her place here. 

“So everything looks good. But I want you to run more comparisons on the hormone levels. You can look at microbiome health alongside. See if there’s a connection.” Dr. Yamashita smiles. “And then we’ll get into the videos of watching them interact, look at the behaviour.”

“Sounds good. I will see you tomorrow.” Delphine waves goodbye to her mentor, returning to the shared space between the labs. She thinks first of shutting herself in her office, but thinks better of it. She tries not to be obvious as she peeks around corners searching for Cosima. Instead she catches sight of Madison, comparing two versions of a document on a shared computer terminal. Ordinarily, Delphine would have at least feigned interest or asked questions, but she doesn’t feel like she has time.

“Where… where is Cosima?” Delphine asks Madison finally. Cosima’s absence in the lab was beginning to disturb her as awkward as it could be to be around her. And she doesn't want to admit it, but she is beginning to worry. For Cosima to miss four days of work in the lab is unheard out. And it’s still a little early for anyone to be taking a vacation.

“Oh… umm her uncle died.” Madison looks up from her laptop in surprise. “Like, she’s gone for the funeral. She took time off and everything. She didn’t tell you?”

“Gone? Gone where?” Delphine doesn’t understand her own nerves. They don’t make sense. At all. Why should she be so bothered that Cosima has just vanished on her? It wasn’t as if they were lovers. Delphine isn’t even sure if they are actually friends at the moment, but maybe they would be in time.

“I don’t remember… Daniel, do you remember where Cosima said she was going?”

Daniel exits one of their experimental rooms. “Uhh Boston I think. Cosima said her uncle was on the east coast. Massachusetts...somewhere? She went last weekend, said she had to go help her dad.”

“Cosima is in Boston.” Delphine repeats trying to digest the new information. “I… I guess I’ll see her when she gets back.”

“Why don’t you just text her if you want to talk?” Madison shakes her head impatiently. “It’s not that complicated.”

Delphine pauses. She could. She has Cosima’s number, and vice versa now. But what could she say? That she missed her? That she’d been wondering where she was? That she wants another pair of eyes on some of her research?

Making a decision, Delphine marches from the shared lab space all the way to the closed lab. She finds Scott hovering over a tray full of test tubes filled with… something. What is he even doing?

“Scott.”

“Uhh hi Delphine.” Scott answers with a quick wave. “What… what’s up?”

“I want Cosima’s address.” Delphine blurts out without trying any sort of subterfuge. “Is she home? From the funeral?”

“She’s… supposed to be back today.” Scott looks up nervously. “Why do you want her address?”

“I just… I want to see her.” Delphine gets out. Why should it matter why she wants to see Cosima? It certainly wasn’t any of Scott’s concern.

  
“Umm OK. I’ll get it for you. It’s uh...saved in my phone. Hang on.”    
  
Delphine waits until Scott has finished whatever he is doing and then quickly records Cosima’s address. Closer to campus than she’d expected for a graduate student, but it looked easily walkable.

“So… what is going on?”

“I told you. I just… I want to see her.” Delphine reaffirms. That is it, after all. She wants to see Cosima again. Kissing her had definitely brought up old feelings, but she was fine. It didn’t make sense how vulnerable she felt about Cosima disappearing on her again. She was nearly 30. And it had just been a kiss.

Still, she finds herself sitting on the steps of an old Victorian house turned into apartments. Four, by the number of mailboxes attached. She rings Cosima’s doorbell and waits. What on earth was she doing? 

“Delphine?” Cosima calls from the curb, pulling a small purple suitcase behind her. “What… what are you doing here?” Cosima stares at her a moment, seemingly stunned by her presence. 

“Can we talk?” Delphine stands, she’s unsure what to do with her hands. But Cosima merely smiles at her, giving her hand a squeeze. Delphine feels her nerves rise again. What is she doing going to Cosima’s apartment? This… this may not be the best decision she could make.

“OK. Like, let me get upstairs and… I’ll make us tea and we can talk.” Cosima agrees. “Umm how do you know where I live?”

  
“Scott.” Delphine supplies quickly.   
  


“OK. I definitely need to talk to Scott about that. Because giving my address out is not really cool. I mean. I’m happy to see you, but I don’t want everybody to be able to find me either.”

She climbs up the stairs behind Cosima, who is a little sweaty and probably recently got off a plane. 

“I am sorry about your uncle.” Delphine says as soon as she’s inside Cosima’s apartment. It’s a bachelor. One great room separated by an open doorway. A small kitchenette to one side of a large dark desk. Large wooden bookshelves filled with various books. What appears to be a bathroom off the bedroom at the back. It is lovely. Delphine thinks. Absolutely lovely, small and emanating warmth. It suits Cosima. Terribly so. 

  
“Thanks. We weren’t close but losing him is really hard on my dad.” Cosima explains, going to fill her kettle at her sink. “Like, they’re only two years apart in age. And it was only the two of them left… my Oma and Opa died back to back like.. Almost fifteen years ago. I was a kid.”

“I am happy you could be there for him.” Delphine racks her brain for appropriate things to say in these situations. “I.. I missed you. I wasn’t expecting you to just be gone.”

“You missed me?” Cosima flips around, a wild grin on her face. 

“Yes.” Delphine admits. “I missed you, Cosima.” It was true after all, but maybe inappropriate. What even were they to each other right now? Friends? Colleagues? Or were they just former lovers?

“I wasn’t even gone a week. I flew out Saturday night.” Cosima teases her a little. “I guess I am just that good.”

Delphine sighs, she glances up at the old ceiling, looking for anything to look at besides Cosima. Either she was stuck looking into her eyes or letting her gaze drift around Cosima, and neither led anywhere good.

“Oh come on… like… so does this mean you want another date?” Cosima stops, quickly fetching two mugs. 

“I… Maybe.” Delphine chokes out finally. Her old attraction to Cosima is back. Trying to deny it won’t get her anywhere. But actually  _ dating _ Cosima is impossible, at least until after she admits she’s single. Even then, what would happen? Would she have to reverse a decade worth of statements that she was heterosexual? Would anyone ever believe anything she said about her sexuality ever again? 

“Good.” Cosima smiles. “Do you want green tea? Black tea? I have something herbal and minty?”

“Green is fine.” Delphine tells her. It doesn’t really matter. She’s not here for the tea.

“It’s jasmine green… that’s OK?” Cosima is soft, and it almost irritates her. Why would Cosima be so soft with her now?

“Yes.” Delphine nods, noticing that Cosima’s moving closer. Her nerves rise up again, with an undercurrent Delphine wants to deny. Maybe she’s imagining it. Maybe she’s created a version of Cosima in her mind who is infinitely sexual and the real Cosima is in fact a perfectly sane person not intent on seducing her the minute she sets foot in her apartment.

“OK… So what do you want to talk about?” Cosima eases herself down against the desk, letting their tea steep itself on the counter.

“I want to talk about us.” Delphine might as well be upfront. She’s afraid if she stops talking, they’ll start touching. And that is likely to overwhelm her composure altogether. She can picture it, Cosima pinning her down against the desk. She must create some sort of space between them, otherwise the risk of Cosima having her way with her before she regains her better judgement seems high. 

“What about us? Like… us now? Or us… in 2007?” Cosima is curious, probing but not aggressive.   
  
“I want to talk about  _ all _ of it. We… we never did talk about it, Cosima. After I left, you… you acted like we were just friends. You’d text...or we’d Skype and you’d-”

“I did not.” Cosima interrupts her, crossing her arms, tea momentarily forgotten. “I told you I  _ loved _ you.”

“You… you just faded away on me.” Delphine accuses, picking up her tea so that she has something to occupy her hands. Some sort of physical barrier between the two of them.

“Well what was i supposed to do? What did you want Delphine?”

Delphine bites her lip. “I-”. She stops herself, making herself look Cosima straight in the eyes. “I...I need to talk about it.”

  
  


* * *

_ August 2007 _

“It’s the last weekend.” Cosima tells her, as the last of their campers are picked up by their parents who were no doubt grateful for the break.

“It is.” Delphine agrees. There would be no more time soon enough and next Friday her aunt would come and get her and she’d spend the next few weeks nannying before being taken home.

“Let’s pack up to go.” Cosima leans in, giving her another kiss. And then another. It makes her feel lightheaded, almost dizzy. She could get drunk on Cosima’s kisses, Delphine decides. The campers are gone, and Delphine takes advantage, she wraps her long arms around Cosima, pulling her into her body. Kissing her intently, she is easing her tongue into Cosima’s willing mouth when they are interrupted. 

“Hey are you two…” Katie stops at the door. In their haste to pack up they’d left it open. Immediately Delphine feels herself flush. They’d been seen. She immediately loosens her arms, letting Cosima go. 

“Oh...OK.” Katie says simply, eyes wide and head shaking slightly. “Umm… talk to you later.”

  
“Right. Bye Katie.” Cosima waves without missing a beat. But Delphine finds herself feeling awkward.

“Hey… hey… it’s not a big deal.” Cosima speaks to her softly, stroking at her hair. “Katie didn’t care. She was just surprised.”   
  


“Right.” Delphine tries to agree. Tries to forget the look of surprise, the way the blonde girl’s eyes had widened at the sight of the two of them kissing.

They pack up quickly after that, and once they lock up they head down to the parking lot. Katie is in the kitchen when they pass by but she says nothing to either of them.    
  


* * *

Cosima cranks up the radio as they drive up the coast along the highway. “So… Do you want dinner first? Or swim first?”

“Swim first.” Delphine decides. Surely they can do that without leaping on each other. They stop at a beach, and it’s busy. She doesn’t dare touch Cosima here. She sees plenty of teenagers making out. Adults laze on the sand. But all… all men and women. Delphine sighs and looks at Cosima. Beautiful Cosima who has asked so little of her.

“Are you OK?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” Delphine nods, trying to assure her. Quelling down fantasies of kissing Cosima on the sand, of pulling her to her in the water. She doesn’t want the attention that will bring. Whether from disapproving strangers or perverted men. She just wants Cosima to herself.

They swim only a while before Cosima announces that she is hungry. Luckily there are plenty of options. They quickly find a diner and order burgers and fries. It’s simple and ridiculous. They chat aimlessly. Neither trying any big questions now. Delphine wonders if they are both too consumed of the thought of what might happen.

“Oh this is good.” Cosima mumbles between bites.

“It is.” Delphine agrees, enjoying their food. She pauses to dip a fry in Cosima’s ketchup. And they're playful and it is all wonderfully easy again. And yet, things are different.  


“I want you.” Cosima tells her simply, without shame. “What do you need for… for that to happen?”

“Cosima…” Delphine murmurs back. Certainly  _ that _ was going to happen. She couldn’t delude herself in otherwise.

“Let’s drive until it’s dark. We can find a private beach and go skinny dipping. Then we can drive until we find a motel.” Cosima suggests. "We... we can take it super slow."  


They drive and that much is simple, one of Cosima’s hands occasionally drifts down to rest on her thigh. They make two stops, but Cosima declares those beaches not private enough even as the sun is setting.    
  
Finally they find a small beach, tucked out of the way among large houses. A quiet street not far away becomes an impromptu parking spot. There’s sand under their tires and they are too far, really, for street lights to illuminate much of anything. It is dark, and it is perfect. The perfect place to hide.

  
“Here?” Delphine asks. It seems more private than their other options. Specifically if they’re intent on swimming naked. She will see Cosima… all of Cosima. And the knowledge sits heavy in her mind. How will that feel? Will she be aroused just by the sight of her? Or will it be the simple fun she has found in Cosima’s company as before?

“Right here….” And Cosima leans in to kiss her without another word. Hands gripping the thin fabric of her shirt and shorts. Cosima leans in to her, slipping her tongue into her mouth kissing her so fiercely. 

It’s a fumble of over-eager hands and shaking limbs, they somehow slip to the back of the CRV, the back seats already down and a makeshift bed made out of Cosima’s open sleeping bag. Cosima easily pushes herself up and maneuvers her lean small body through the front two seats to the back and Delphine follows, tucking up her legs and laying down.

“Kiss me… kiss me a little more.” Cosima begs her and she obliges her. She wants to keep kissing. Wants to keep the lightness, the feeling in her chest like she’s going to burst. And Cosima’s lips are soft, pliant under her own. They’ll stop and swim soon. Delphine figures, kissing Cosima again and again. Feeling Cosima’s hands slip under her shirt, caressing the skin of her back. It sends liquid heat all over her body, the ache of arousal setting in far too quickly.  


“Oh Delphine…” Cosima moans. 

  
In the dark, Delphine thinks. It’s easy enough. No one is going to see them. No one knows that she’s lifted Cosima’s sundress over her head, leaving the brunette in her underwear. No one knows that she kisses along the swells of Cosima’s breasts above her bra cups before pulling her into plunder her mouth once again. The slide of Cosima’s tongue against her own makes her heart beat faster and faster, arousal settling in easily. 

“I want skin, can I take it off you?” Cosima asks, pulling gently at the hem of her shirt.

“Yes.” Delphine breathes, feeling needier by the minute. Cosima is like a drug, she thinks. And she is an addict. Warm hands caress her bare skin. She hadn’t bothered with a bra after swimming and Cosima moans leaning her lips down to her sternum. Cosima stops only to remove her glasses with one hand and place them aside. 

  
“I want to fuck you.” Cosima husks into her bare skin and she shudders in response. A hot mouth drifting down to her left nipple leaves her breathless and aching. Not from the heat of Cosima’s mouth, but from the reaction she feels and hears from Cosima. Cosima  _ wants _ her. And she is going to let Cosima have her. 

It hits Delphine then. They’ve already fogged up the windows of the old CRV. They haven’t even managed to swim. They haven’t even made it out of the car. And they probably won’t at this rate. She cannot imagine wanting to separate their bodies. Cannot stop kissing Cosima. She pulls her back up to her mouth and kisses her deeply, tongue stroking at Cosima’s own. She will swallow the vulgar words, pour her love into Cosima instead.

“Never stop kissing me.” Delphine demands, she holds Cosima to her. 

“Can I touch you?” Cosima moves over her, rocking her hips into her, one hand cupping her face.

“Yes.” Delphine responds. She is 100% certain she is going to burst. The heat in her body, Cosima’s kisses, she is tensing and smoldering and …wanton.

“Oh god…” Cosima breathes into her ear and continues undoing the fastening of Delphine’s shorts. “I really want to touch you. I want to feel you.”

“Cosima...Cosima…” Delphine closes her eyes and lifts her hips, letting Cosima take off her shorts, they are tossed aside. What little they can be in the confined space. At least the sleeping bag cushions them a little. With the seats down, it’s not the most comfortable space. Cosima slides back on top of her and rocks her hips before slowly drawing one hand down.

Cosima’s fingers slip under the material of her underwear. But it’s not sex, Delphine justifies to herself. Cosima’s fingers begin to press and rub against her. She wasn’t expecting this to feel this good. She remembers, she has hair, Cosima doesn’t. But Cosima doesn’t seem bothered by it right now. Cosima seems….excited.

“You’re so swollen. So ready...” Cosima sighs. “Oh my god…you’re dripping onto my fingers.”

She’s embarrassed at first, she knows Cosima can tell how aroused she is.

“It’s a good thing.” Cosima is quick to assure her. "So good... I want you like this. Wet and needy."  


Need, need is suddenly the right word.  “J’ai envie de toi.” Delphine mumbles out in words more familiar to her mind. And Cosima responds in kind, stroking her while kissing her neck.

But it isn’t sex… Delphine gasps and finds herself moving into Cosima’s hand. She aches deep inside. They aren’t even undressed. Cosima is still in her bra and underwear. Her panties are pulled down but still on.

“Take them off.” Delphine demands. And Cosima does, stopping to crouch and remove Delphine’s panties, tossing them aside before clambering back on top of her. She’s nervous and it shows, because Cosima is watching her intently, even in the dark.

  
“Are you OK?” Cosima stops, looking down into her eyes. “Do you want this?

“I’m… nervous.” Delphine admits, looking up at Cosima. “I don’t know what I am doing.”

  
“It’s OK, baby.” Cosima coos at her sweetly. “I just want to make you feel good.”

Feel good seems to be an understatement. All Delphine can do is cling and moan helplessly.

"You have to say yes..." Cosima prompts softly into her ear.

"Yes." Delphine breathes out.

Cosima circles her entrance, probing gently with a finger and Delphine panics. That is too close to being sex, right? She cannot let her do  _ that _ . She cannot have sex with Cosima. Not so soon. She couldn’t with him and she definitely could not with Cosima. The lines that seem so clear with a man seem blurry with Cosima. Where does she draw the line with another woman? Where does she stop? Does she want to stop?

“Not inside.” Delphine gasps out, grabbing Cosima’s hand. She can work out the mental gymnastics later, but maybe they can start slow. Start with something simple. Something...almost innocent.  
  


“OK... I won’t. I promise.” Cosima tells her softly, kissing her neck. They move together desperately, writhing, kissing, gripping fiercely.

Cosima never breaks her promise, she strokes and rubs gently instead until they find a rhythm that has her quickly coming undone. Cosima is good at this, Delphine realizes stunned. Cosima finds the bundle of nerves easily and begins to stimulate her directly, eyes fixed on her face trying to find what brings the most pleasure.

“Cosima… You feel so good….Cosima.” Delphine whines, rucking herself up against Cosima. Her hands grip firmly, her hips cant upward to meet Cosima’s fingers. She wants more. She suddenly wants everything. Wants to feel Cosima deep inside her. Wants to give pleasure back to Cosima in return. Any way her beloved will receive it. 

She climaxes readily under the gentle attention of Cosima’s hand. Afterwards, she isn’t sure what to say or do. She pants uselessly on her back. Cosima is still leaning down over her. Cosima didn’t get anything from this. It isn’t right. Delphine thinks. It isn’t fair. She should touch Cosima. She should be _inside_ Cosima. Delphine sighs. That is what she should do... But... wouldn't that make her a lesbian?

“Ohhh.” Cosima breathes out watching her. “That...that’s it?”

Her cheeks redden, embarrassed. “Oui.” 

“Yes...yes…” Cosima gently moves her hand to her thigh. “You’re wonderful… So sexy.” Cosima kisses her again, and again, rocking her own hips down onto her. She can feel how damp Cosima’s underwear are. Delphine knows Cosima is wet for her, completely aroused. And she doesn’t know what to do.

  
“Can I…?” Cosima asks permission. For what Delphine isn’t entirely sure. 

“Oui.” She says instead. She won’t deny Cosima. She couldn’t.

“Oh…” Cosima takes off her bra. “Suck on me. Please."

  
Delphine is flabbergasted. Is Cosima asking for...? She  takes a minute to understand that Cosima wants her nipples sucked, and she presses herself up as much as she can in the tight space to accommodate her. She licks, and then sucks wondering if this feels good to Cosima. Before switching to the other breast. She brings her hands into play, cupping and stroking. She teases at a hardened nipple. Cosima is moaning, reacting, increasingly desperate.  


“Cosima…” Delphine whispers, hands running over a body that is increasingly frenzied moving above her.

  
“Oh … oh you feel so good.” Cosima moans, nipping at her ear lobe. Delphine lets her hands settle on Cosima’s body, cupping a breast and stroking the nipple again with her thumb. It isn’t fair, Delphine thinks, feeling the scrap of dampened fabric between them. Cosima should be naked too. Cosima should get something from this.

“I want more.” Delphine whispers, leaning in for another kiss that only seems to stoke their desires higher. It didn’t satiate. An orgasm did nothing to curb her longing for Cosima. She is still aching for her. 

“Oh baby…” Cosima croons, moving in to kiss her. Cosima adjusts their position, and encourages her to rock. Her thigh makes contact with Cosima’s damp sex and she cries out. Even through the fabric she can feel the heat of her. 

“Comme ça?” Delphine asks, and she rocks again. This … this doesn’t seem too difficult. It doesn't seem like enough at all really.   
  
Cosima rocks into her, firmly. “Oh… Oh…” Cosima bucks her hips into her, grinding on her and it leaves her feeling desperately aroused again. 

Delphine watches Cosima’s face, noting when she moves one hand between them, slipping it under the fabric. It takes her a minute to realize, Cosima is  _ inside _ herself and the thought excites her further. She looks down between Cosima’s legs, watching her move in shadow. 

“I need more… hold me.” Cosima demands. And her arms obey without thinking. She wraps them tightly around Cosima.

“Oooh…” Delphine cries out at the sight. She lets Cosima touch herself. And lays there absolutely stunned. Cosima comes so quickly and then drops her hand to quickly pull her back in. A sticky wet hand on her skin and their heavy breathing a clear sign of what they’ve been doing.

“Delphine…. I want you.” Cosima sobs. And Delphine kisses her, tries to pour all her love, all her affection into the kiss. Tries to make this better than it was. Wants to make it more. Wants to make it love. 

“Fais l’amour avec moi.” Delphine begs her, first in French and then in English. “Make love with me again.”

Cosima makes a choked sound and quickly kisses her again, they rub and rock together, tangled up in the dark. 


	13. Can't fight the moonlight

_Cosima_

_August 2007_

“Wow…” Cosima murmurs. She leans in nuzzling Delphine with her face, they continue rocking, not so much for stimulation as for movement. “What do you want?” Cosima asks the girl beneath her. She needs to make sure this is good. That Delphine’s needs are met. That they both enjoy themselves.

“I want you.” Delphine echoes her own thoughts. Delphine needy and naked beneath her was more than enough. 

“Oh.” Cosima captures Delphine’s lips. She is aware that soon they should either swim or move the car somewhere where they are less likely to have the cops called on them. But right now she just wants.

There really isn’t enough space, and attempting what she wants is likely to leave her limbs cramping but she decides to try anyway.

Cosima lowers herself, crouching as to not collide with the roof of her car. “You smell so good…” She glances down, she sees everything she can in the dark. It is as she expected from her glimpse in the showers. Damp curls covering Delphine’s sex. But maybe it didn’t have to matter? Maybe she could just eat her anyway? 

“What are you doing?” Delphine strains to look at her.

Authentic muff-diving, Cosima thinks to herself with a little smirk. “I’m going to taste you,” she says calmly. Trying to seem matter-of-fact about it all. It’s nothing she hasn’t done before, but the two girlfriends she’d had before weren’t Delphine. Weren’t new to everything. 

“Oh.” Delphine seems oddly calm with this. But her brow furrows and she looks down at her. “You… you want to?”

Cosima leans in, she inhales deeply. Any desire she had to just to tease melting away with the heady scent. “Oh...yes...” Cosima leans in, using her free hand to brush the hair out of her way. She lets her mouth make contact and it’s not that different. She leans in, licking and sucking, 

Delphine moans loudly, bringing her hand to her mouth to muffle her noises. But she lets Cosima do this. There’s maybe a glimmer of shock, but she cannot see that much honestly. Cosima decides to take the noises as encouragement and keeps going. 

She tries to be gentle, she knows Delphine’s already had one orgasm and she can tell that she’s very sensitive. She tastes too good. Cosima moans, humming. She enjoys this, even if her nose is pressed into tight curls. She doesn’t let her mouth roam as much as she would otherwise, but it’s so good. She lets the taste coat her mouth, rubbing herself into Delphine’s arousal. It is perfect, as is, Cosima decides. She teases Delphine’s opening with her tongue, but she doesn’t push inside, she just plays with her. She wonders if Delphine will want her inside. Wonders just how much they can have together before their time runs out.

“Ahh!” Delphine cries out loudly. Little whimpers follow when she works up towards her swollen clit. Cosima lets herself play, experimenting with what she thinks Delphine might like. Cosima hums and whimpers, she makes noise, and feels Delphine react to her instantly.

She takes this as a good sign, she works her with her tongue. Flicking rapidly, wanting to bring Delphine to another perfect orgasm. Her neck cramps, her knees begin to complain, but she keeps going because she thinks Delphine is close. Thinks she can get her there again.

“Cosima… Cosima…” Delphine moans, then she begins to shake, tightening under her. It’s easy enough, Cosima smiles happily, laying a few suckling kisses against tender flesh. Delphine gushes her pleasure which surprises her for only a moment. _Oh…_ Cosima thinks, licking again. This is different.   
  
She hears a mewling sound, and then Delphine pulls her up into her arms. She grins down at her new lover in the dark. Face coated with Delphine’s excitement. Cosima runs her fingers through curly hair, admiring Delphine. She might be the most beautiful woman Cosima’s ever seen, nevermind been with. Not that Delphine had that much competition with her exes. 

“Hi.” Cosima giggles.

“Hi.” Delphine repeats, and begins to laugh.

“What do you say we throw on our clothes and jump in the ocean to rinse off?” Cosima suggests. She wants to kiss Delphine, to let Delphine taste herself, but she decides to take it easy. Delphine is inexperienced, and she needs to be gentle with her. Cannot push or force.

“OK.” Delphine agrees, panting under her. Cosima shifts, her knee coming to rest in the wet spot under Delphine. 

“We… we made a mess.” Cosima is delighted. “That was really hot… like.. You taste amazing and you… oh…” She doesn’t know how much to say. She doesn’t want to embarrass Delphine. Even more, she wants to see every part of the Frenchwoman’s body in the daylight. Wants to do this all again, as frequently as possible. And they can, Cosima thinks delightedly. She'll learn Delphine's body more and more every day they spend together.

Delphine blushes, or at least Cosima thinks she does. It’s hard to see in the dark.

They somehow dress and make their way to the waves, she undresses first. Casts her dress into the sand and runs into the waves. She doesn’t have to look behind her, Delphine is following her. She can hear her voice, her breath before she feels Delphine arms close around her from behind. Waist deep in the ocean, with a beautiful girl clutching her. It’s perfect, Cosima feels her emotions well up, and it is suddenly perfect. Absolutely perfect.

“I love you.” Cosima murmurs, squeezing the outside of Delphine’s arms. “I love you…” And it’s true, Cosima reasons, even as Delphine turns her in her arms and begins to kiss her. Tentatively at first, tasting herself, and then slowly with more passion.

“Cosima…” Delphine croons into her lips, and then she whispers something Cosima doesn’t understand. She can tell it’s French but the words are lost on her. But maybe it doesn’t matter. She kisses Delphine again and again. And this might be the most romantic moment of her 19 years. It's perfect, and she will make sure it is perfect for Delphine too.

  
  


* * *

_May 24 2018_

“So… you want me to apologize to you for what? Deflowering you in a car?” Cosima looks helplessly back at Delphine. What the fuck was this conversation turning in to? Why does it have to matter how that happened? It was 11 years ago.

Delphine nods at her. “Yes.” 

“OK… I am sorry we had sex for the first time in my car.” Cosima apologizes. “But I am _not_ sorry we had sex.” She isn’t going to apologize for something beautiful. Looking back on it critically doesn’t seem fair. 

“Cosima…” Delphine sighs, taking another sip of now lukewarm tea.

“What about the next night? At the motel?” Cosima looks back at her directly. “Do you want me to apologize for that too? Or when we woke up in the morning all cuddled together in my car? What about-”  
  


“Non.” Delphine shakes her head. “Cosima you are missing the point.”  
  
“No. I don’t think I am.” Cosima responds firmly. “So what about me visiting you and making love with you? Do you want an apology for that too?”   
  
“Cosima…”   
  


“Did you want me?” Cosima looks back at Delphine plainly. “Did you want me? Because… you said you did then. You… It was mutual, Delphine. I know it was. Because I asked you what you wanted. And you wanted me.”

“I loved you. But I never really told you how much.” Delphine admits quietly. “It was so emotional between us. It was different than everything else for me.”

“I loved you too. You _know_ that.” Cosima reminds Delphine. “You remember when I said it, right?” She can’t forget it, not the kiss. Not touching Delphine in the ocean, not reluctantly dressing and driving away, finding a better place to leave the car for the night. It was a pretty perfect memory, Cosima thinks. Why Delphine would want an apology for it doesn’t make sense to her brain. But she does want Delphine to feel heard. 

“Yes.” Delphine nods. She sets her tea down on the desk and sighs. “I remember.”

“Good. I meant it.” Cosima says softly. She wants to be gentle with Delphine. “I meant it. My being a woman doesn’t make my feelings mean less.”

“I know… I know…” Delphine agrees finally. “But it… it hurt me.”

“Hurt you… when it ended?” Cosima suggests kindly. “That’s just… life. We were young. We knew we only had a few weeks. And yeah, it sucked a bit at the end. But it doesn’t have to change your life. Clearly, you’ve done just fine for yourself afterwards.”

Delphine bites her lip before continuing. “I _love_ sex with men...but… I never... I never fell in love with them. The emotional side just _wasn’t_ there. I’d….I’d rather wake up alone or… even next to you at first. There is something _wrong_ with me.”

“Well some people actually separate sexual and romantic attractions, especially when they don’t line up.” Cosima stares, suddenly feeling the need to be very gentle with Delphine once again. Maybe this was part of the problem. Maybe this was what was sitting underneath the disconnect now?

“That cannot be a thing. That would make things so complicated.” Delphine shakes her head.

“It totally is a real thing.” Cosima crosses her arms insistently. “I, for example, am both homosexual and homo-romantic. Like… I am pretty high on the Kinsey scale. You seem to be more... middle-ish, sexually speaking anyway.”

“But … isn’t that excessive?”

“Not if you are bisexual and homo-romantic. That is probably worth knowing about yourself.” Cosima offers. “Like if you enjoy and want sex with both or multiple genders and only feel romantic attraction to one.” It certainly explained Delphine’s lack of attachment to her boyfriend. It was sexual, Cosima reasoned, but not romantic. And she could give Delphine more than that. Much more. 

“Cosima… I have never identified as bisexual. You are making everything very complicated.” Delphine sighs. “One boyfriend called me bisexual, and I never told another one about you after that. He … he made it strange. I couldn’t tell another one after him.”

Cosima decides not to probe into that. It doesn’t have to matter. It was just a part of Delphine’s history. Like she was. “Well… that’s fine I guess. But… it doesn’t have to be complicated. Big question?”

“You want to play now?” Delphine tenses looking at her. “We are having a serious conversation.”

  
“Sure we are… Here it is. Do you like me?” Cosima asks simply without pretense. “Do you still feel something when you look at me? When you spend time with me? When you kissed me?” At least it's all out on the table now, Cosima figures. One way or another she'll have her answer.

“Cosima…” Delphine presses a hand to her forehead. “What… why are you asking me now?”

“We kissed at the aquarium. I felt something Delphine. It’s still there… whatever drove us together in the first place. I still feel it.” Cosima chooses openness. Decides she might as well just spill. “I want to try again. I want… I want a second date. I want… I want you to stay tonight and have dinner with me. We’ll… We’ll order takeout. And… watch a movie. And just see what happens.”

“You want me to stay over?” Delphine raises one eyebrow. “Dinner, yes. I will have dinner with you. But…” Delphine trails off, looking mildly helpless and maybe a little aroused.

Encouraged, Cosima continues. “And if you really like the sensation of intercourse… you can have that with me.” Cosima spells it out. “I have a couple toys we could use.” She leaves out that both were recently purchased during a fit of optimism and are still probably en route via FedEx. She really should check her mail.

“You want to...what?” Delphine furrows her brow, looking at Cosima quizzically. “What on earth would _you_ get out of that?”

  
“I have dildos. We can use them. If you want to.” Cosima reiterates impatiently. Unfortunately the only toy she currently has in her home is glass and not at all compatible with a harness. She supposes in a pinch it could do, she could use it on Delphine. But maybe she should try to take her time. But with Delphine’s revelation she finds she wants her more intensely. Want to make love to her, wants to bring the old feelings to the surface. Wants everything.

“But what is in it for you?”

“Having sex with you.” Cosima blurts out. “I want you. I really want you. More than I did at 19. You are incredible. Your research. Your mind… I want to be with you, Delphine. I want to to show you how fucking good it can be.” 

Delphine looks at her with a sigh. “I remember. I have not forgotten our... encounters.”  
  


“I know, but… I’m more experienced now.” Cosima chooses her words carefully. “I can do pretty much anything you could want.”

“It was good.” Delphine tells her. “You were good. You felt good. Smelled good… You know this. But… I am not a teenager. What happens when you get sick of me again? Or when you get bored?”

“I was never sick of you!” Cosima defends herself. “You were in another country. What did you expect?” Delphine had gone home, and texting and Skype only went so far. They had basically just been friends in the end, the last couple months they talked. And clearly, Delphine had not told her everything. Not about being outed. Not about her clear heartbreak.

“I expected that you still loved me.” Delphine’s voice breaks. “That you wanted me. That… somehow…”

  
“Somehow what?” 

“That you’d want to be with me again. That you’d… hop on a plane. That you’d beg me to visit you the first chance we got. But you… you faded away. And I… I was too scared to tell you I didn’t want you to.”

“Scared of what?”

“This.” Delphine waves a hand between them. “This happened once, and never again for me. And I needed you. You flipped my world on its axis. You made me love you. Made me want you. Made me want to touch you. And then you just disappeared.” 

“So have me.” Cosima moves closer to Delphine, hands inviting but not touching. “Have me right now.” 

Delphine looks down at her, hazel eyes dark, clearly considering her options. Cosima wishes she’d bathed. Wishes Delphine had shown up a couple of hours later. But instead she pushes herself forward, she claims Delphine lips in an increasingly insistent kiss. Delphine resists her only a moment, then is incredibly pliant in her arms, kissing her back.

“Have me.” Cosima invites again, tongue sliding deeply against Delphine's as her hands go to hips that lean into her body without resistance.


	14. Collide

_Delphine_

_August 2007_

Delphine finds the last week incredibly distracting. Looking at Cosima, reminds her of touching Cosima. Of being touched by Cosima. She makes mistakes. She forgets things. Their last group of campers don’t get enough attention, at least in comparison. Delphine suspects this last batch of girls are convinced she’s very absentminded, or worse. Though she does her job the best she is able. She sleeps even less than she did the first few weeks, when she’s not in Cosima’s arms, she lays awake wanting to be. Love has made her a fool. An absolute fool, and she lets it. 

Katie, for her part, seems unbothered about whatever there is between her and Cosima. Katie hasn’t said a word about it and keeps talking to them very much like normal. Though she hasn’t offered them an evening hour to themselves again either. She listens to Cosima, and she lets it go. Or tries to. She has to try.

One night left. Delphine tells herself. They sit in the hallway like they always do. Cosima continues to chat casually, leaning in to her shoulder just a little more this last week. They slowly make their way back to their shared room. 

“Tomorrow my aunt is coming to get me.” Delphine mumbles out, as she turns to change. She quickly pulls on her pyjamas. She still turns away to change, it’s silly now. It isn’t like Cosima hasn’t seen everything anyways.

  
“I know. You’ve been texting. 4 pm.” Cosima sighs from somewhere behind her. “I’ll probably spend one last night here and drive home to San Francisco Saturday morning. Melissa said we have until 10am to get out of here. And that gives me plenty of time.” 

“That makes sense.” Delphine nods. She tries her best to hold back tears, not to cry. And she succeeds, but only until she’s laying in bed across from a still-undressing Cosima who seems to be trying to give her a show. They haven’t touched much, Delphine’s choice. Cosima seemed very willing to take risks. To have her with far too thin walls and too many people who could overhear.

“What? What is it?”

  
“Hey delicious.” Cosima teases her. Cosima stands in front of her, in nothing but her underwear. The blue fabric barely covering her sex. 

She blushes. “Is that what you’re thinking of?” It had only really happened twice. But it was memorable. Cosima humming and moaning into her sex wasn’t something she was going to forget in a hurry. She wonders if Cosima’s fixation was because she was a lesbian, or if this was something that was uniquely Cosima. Either way, Delphine wasn’t complaining.

“Yes.” Cosima giggles. “We could… if you want to.”

“Cosima…” Delphine sighs. “It’s not that I don’t want to… it’s just…” She’d turned her down twice this week. And she knew it was getting to Cosima. But the last thing either of them needed was getting caught and or fired.

“You don’t want anyone to be able to hear us.” Cosima finishes with a sigh. “So cuddle me.”

She yields, opening her arms and allowing a mostly naked Cosima to crawl into her arms. It is only a few drawn out minutes before they are kissing. Tension mounting in her body too rapidly, Delphine gives in. She begins to stroke the sides of Cosima’s body, to touch her breasts, to graze fingers over sensitive ribs.

  
“Mmmm….you are in the mood.” Cosima smiles wider if anything.

  
“I am.” Delphine admits.

“We will just be very very quiet.” Cosima promises her. 

Cosima’s fingers go to her sex almost instantly, stroking her beneath her pyjama bottoms.

“Cosima…”

“You’re so wet.” Cosima grins at her, and keeps touching her. Keeps stimulating her. She is not sure what will break first, her body, or the emotions that well up violently inside her. She muffles her cries of pleasure into her hand or a pillow. Ensures no one will hear them.

“Cosima… Je t’aime.” Delphine squeaks out, and feels Cosima work her firmly, trying to bring their encounter to a close before they make too much noise. They are both breathing heavily, both stifling their moans. Finally, she orgasms, and relaxes back on the bed, Cosima cuddling instantly into her side. Not making any movement to touch herself, or rub herself to climax, at least not this time.

“How are you feeling?” Cosima asks her softly. “Was that OK?”

She bursts into tears instead of answering. It is too much. Far too much. “I don’t want to leave you.” Delphine admits when she can speak again.

“It’s OK.” Cosima tells her, laying little kisses on her collarbone.

  
“But everything ends tomorrow.” Delphine panics. She is not ready to lose Cosima. Not ready to let her go.   
  


“It changes… it doesn’t end.” Cosima argues. “We… we shared something… almost sacred. You know?”

“Sacred?” Delphine blinks. That was not a word she expected to hear. Not referring to this. Profound surely, but not sacred. That sounded far too much like religion. Far too much like a line one person fed another to brush off their feelings.

“Sorry. I just.. I feel kind of strongly about sex being this… full body-mind-soul experience. But more than that too.” Cosima shrugs above her, still smiling.

“We did.” Delphine finds herself agreeing, stroking her new lover’s face. 

  
“Plus… I can come back. I can drive back. Assuming your aunt and uncle will let you have a friend over.”

“They might.” Delphine acknowledges. “Especially on a weekend. My uncle works a lot. And my aunt… she has a full time job, and a full social calendar.” They might be able to get away with it. At least seeing Cosima would be something, even if she couldn’t have her.

“Are you off weekends?” Cosima asks hopefully.

“Mostly. Yes.” Delphine sniffs. “And I will ask if you can come.”

  
“Then I will come to you. And I’ll make love to you again then.” Cosima promises. “This isn’t the end.”   
  


She captures her lover’s perfect mouth in a kiss, gently running her hands over her body. It doesn’t have to be the end. Not yet. The feel of Cosima’s soft olive skin beneath her hands delights her, her pale hands on her lover’s body. It excites her, and she is soon kissing Cosima again, hands going lower.

“Delphine…” Cosima breaks away to moan lowly into her ear. She lets herself touch tentatively through fabric and finds that it is more than enough. Cosima moves in to her, grinding against her hand through dampened fabric. It’s more difficult than she thought, but Cosima looks thrilled and she must continue. Must get Cosima over the edge, must return the favour. Must show her she can give her nearly as much in return.

Cosima comes more easily than expected and Delphine finds herself relieved, satisfied, and she gathers her lover into her arms. She thinks of having more, of undressing Cosima completely and pushing inside of her. Thinks of letting Cosima do the same to her; thinks of them writhing in shared pleasure. Her fantasies are of having everything she can have. But Delphine only clings, kissing softly.

“That felt really good.” Cosima murmurs. “You surprised me.”

“Good.” Delphine whispers, holding tight to Cosima’s body. She won’t be letting her go tonight. She must sleep in her arms, the small bed be damned.

In the morning, she pries herself out of Cosima’s arms, laying a soft kiss against her lips. Her alarm sounds again and she turns it off.

“Morning.” Cosima blearily looks back up at her. The sounds of girls laughing and getting ready already fill the air. Cosima groans and they both know they need to get up. 

“Good morning.” Delphine gives Cosima one last kiss and quickly gets herself ready. There’s no time for a shower, but surely they don’t smell of each other that intensely. She feels like she smells like Cosima, but no one else notices.

  
They get through the morning, the afternoon has the campers playing games outside which she has to supervise. Cosima had somehow gotten out of it. They say goodbye to this last group, and she finds that she has done a good enough job, even if her mind has been wandering more. 

She barely sees Cosima, so hectic getting her things together and rushing downstairs to meet her aunt. Emma and Thomas are in the car, both jumping around excitedly to tell her about their camps. About the two weeks of vacation they spent with just their parents. And Delphinee eases herself into the passenger seat. 

She thinks of Cosima, and notes a text message ping her phone. But she says nothing. This must remain her secret, for at least a little longer.

“How was it?” Aunt Lisa asks her. “I think five weeks was too much really. We’ll readjust for next year. Maybe three weeks of camps? Vacationing without you was harder.”

  
“It was fine. I liked it. I made a friend too, Cosima.” Delphine offers simply. Maybe she should have showered. But she will when she returns home.

“We missed you!” Emma tells her excitedly. “Mom says we’ll have three weeks left with you before you go.”

“Almost.” Delphine corrects. She’ll have to depart late August to be home in time to go back to university. “But we will fit in as much fun as we can.”

“Good.” Thomas tells her, his little feet kicking the back of her seat. “I want to go to the zoo.”

  
“We will go.” Delphine promises quickly. She gets back to making her list of things to do with the kids. Surely she can manage this, the rest of one last summer. And maybe… maybe next as well as long as no one finds out about Cosima. She has to be a different Delphine now. She realizes. Has to pretend everything is very normal. Has to pretend she’s not constantly looking at her phone for a word from Cosima. 

* * *

_2018_

“Merde…” Delphine mumbles between kisses, perfect kissing that stimulates her far too easily. Cosima’s hands are on her hips, holding her close and she shudders in response. She is rapidly becoming aroused like a teenage idiot and Cosima is doing nothing but encouraging it. It is far too familiar.

“Delphine…” Cosima moans her name, and Delphine believes that Cosima is making those sounds on purpose. That she is moaning her name to elicit a reaction from her, to make her more aroused, more willing. Cosima kisses along her neck, whimpering into her skin and it is too much. Far too much.

Delphine manages to get out a single question. “Why?”

“Because I want you.” Cosima keeps her voice low, almost hoarse. “Can I take this off you?” Cosima’s hands toy with the hem of her shirt. Cosima looks somehow playful, and she giggles at the thought. 

Delphine considers a moment before answering. “Not yet.” She catches Cosima’s hands in her own, but holds them. She doesn’t want to stop, not entirely. But she does want to slow down.

“No?” Cosima lays a few gentle kisses along her jaw before she backs up. Giving a little more space. And she finds herself looking at Cosima, really letting herself look. Cosima’s not even dressed sexy. Delphine muses, well, no more so than usual. Instead she wears harem pants and a couple layered tanks under an open sweater. 

“I do like you.” Delphine breathes out. She should at least try to answer the question. Cosima does it for her, for whatever reason. Maybe her teenage self hadn’t been as stupid as she once believed.

“I know.” Cosima pulls back enough to smile at her. “So… are you like… good to go? Are you hungry? Should we get food?”

“I guess we should eat first.” Delphine decides. They could at least make a show of a date if this was likely to happen anyways.

“OK. I can order some food… I guess I should jump in the shower too… if you don’t mind.” Cosima offers. “I… I did just land back in Toronto like… two hours ago?”

“Alright.” Delphine looks to Cosima.

“I’ll order us some Indian food. All vegetarian.” Cosima smiles. “Is that good with you?”

“It sounds delicious.” Delphine agrees readily. She watches Cosima order the food in via app, and place the order for delivery. 

“Do you like… want to join me?” Cosima asks. “We’ve probably got 45 minutes until the food is here.”

“Non.” Delphine shakes her head.

“Suit yourself.” Cosima walks away, clearly swinging her hips more than necessary in an effort to tempt her. It makes Delphine giggle again. 

She meanders along the large bookshelves and smiles at what she finds. She picks up several books, some familiar, some not. Cosima is well-read, Delphine smiles. That she knew already. Remembers the piles of books in Cosima’s parents’ house. Remembers more than she wants to admit. She sits on the small loveseat, tries to get comfortable. She’s leafing through what looks like an interesting book when Cosima returns.

Cosima emerges, wearing a silk robe, her dark dreads down and dampened. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Delphine turns to look at her. She tries not to react to the sight, tries to be calm. But Cosima is winning.

“We still have time.” Cosima prompts, one hand going to the tie. 

“Are you offering to disrobe for me?” Delphine raises an eyebrow. She isn’t used to that. She’s used to be the object of desire, of lust. To putting on the show…to enticing someone else, to manipulating the situation so she could get what she wanted from him. The idea of Cosima trying to do the same for her intrigues her. 

“Yeah. I am.” Cosima smirks happily. “We can… do whatever you want. We still have like… 35 minutes until our food shows up.”

“So much for taking it slow.” Delphine cannot resist pointing it out.

  
“Yeah. I am kind of impulsive.” Cosima settles down next to her for a minute. “I don’t usually do taking it slow. But I’m trying.” 

“Did you ever think of me?” Delphine finds herself asking as she lets herself take in Cosima. Where purple fabric meets skin, and when Cosima crosses her legs her suspicion that Cosima is wearing nothing but a robe and her glasses are confirmed.

“Like… when?” Cosima tilts her head leaning in. “Like since we met again? Or…?”

“Before.”

“Umm for the first couple years. Yes. After that? Not often. Just… rarely something would remind me of you and I’d think about it a little. But I am pretty focused in the present, or I was.”

“You were with other girls.” Delphine points out, trying to conceal an old hurt that shouldn’t bother her anymore. “You were with another girl before I’d been gone a month. You didn’t even try to hide it from me.”

“Yes.” Cosima nods. “I’ve had some girlfriends and plenty of lovers. But… nothing really stretching out to long term. Nothing longer than a couple of years. And that only happened like...maybe twice.”

“Do you even want long term?” Delphine finds herself asking and wincing at how it sounds.

“Yes. Absolutely.” Cosima tells her insistently. “I wasn’t ready for what you wanted then… I don’t think you were either.”

“And what did I want then?” Delphine tenses a little. Cosima had clearly made her own assumptions. But she wondered just how true they were.

“Me. More commitment than either of us really had to give.” Cosima suggests with a shrug. “But it’s different now.”

“It is.” Delphine has to agree. Cosima is right. The situation is radically different now. “But we… we are not so different, I think.” So much of them is the same, Delphine rationalizes. Certainly they have matured, had different experiences, developed new interests. But… was the core of a person so ...mutable? Cosima, at her core, must be very much the same as she remembers. The good and the bad.

“No. We’re just older.” Cosima leans in. “Did you think about me?”

“For the first few years. And then I tried hard not to think about you ever again.” She can tell Cosima that much. It is true after all.

“Fair.” Cosima nods. “And now?”

“Multiple times a day. Everyday. It’s...reminiscing mostly.” Delphine brushes it off. “But the more time we spend together, the more I remember. Things I had thought I’d forgotten come rushing back.”

“With some heartbreak. Clearly.” Cosima lowers her head only briefly. 

“Only a little.”

“Delphine… I disappear for five days and you ask Scott for my address.” Cosima points out. “And I am so not complaining. But … this is mutual.”

“It is.” Delphine acknowledges again. “I really like you… I know I could… love you again.” Maybe she’s said too much. Maybe this is all idiotic nonsense. But right now, she just wants to stay with Cosima. Wants to settle in and get comfortable. Wants to wonder what an alternative life would have been like if she'd embraced this fully. If Cosima had wanted her then. Or if... if she'd found someone else.

“So love me.” Cosima is delighted and leans in again. A ding from Cosima’s phone alerts her that their food is close. “And I have to go get the food.”

“Do you want me to go?” Delphine offers. She’s dressed after all. It makes far more sense for her to go.   
  
She fetches the food, and quickly makes her way back up the stairs. Cosima arranges the small table in the corner and they move to eat. Cosima serves her, but doesn’t mention anything about getting dressed. 

“This is delicious.” Delphine comments, helping herself to more dal, more eggplant, more vegetable curry.

“It’s fabulous.” Cosima reiterates helping herself. “The restaurant is nice too… we’ll have to go sometime. You seriously should try the naan.”

“OK.” Delphine keeps eating, suddenly feeling a little quieter. 

“Are you ashamed to be seen in public with me?” 

  
“Non. Of course not.” She couldn’t be ashamed of that. Cosima was lovely. But, she knows not everyone would be kind about them. Knows too, there are places where the things they used to do together are illegal. And others still where it would get them assaulted. Toronto though, Toronto was likely quite safe. 

“But… I am talking about an actual date. One where it is super obvious to everyone paying attention that we are a couple. Of course, I could be kissing you and some people still wouldn’t notice we aren’t just friends.” Cosima points out. “How do you feel about that?”

“I’m not sure.” Delphine sighs.

“Well… we can take it slow.”

Delphine snorts with laughter. “Cosima, you are in a ... _peignoir._ It is practically lingerie.” Slow didn’t really seem to be in Cosima’s vocabulary. At least not in the traditional sense.

“Yeah. And when we’re done eating, I’ll take it off for you. If you want.” Cosima offers.

They eat, and they turn to the safer subjects, their research. The lab. It feels good, Delphine acknowledges. To feel so seen. So wanted. And Cosima… Cosima is mostly wonderful. Cosima lets her go on and on about her plans for her study without complaint. Cosima asks questions and doesn’t get disgusted or awkward. Cosima gets her. Truly. And it is the most comfortable she has felt in years. 

“So… where are you going to find your control group?” Cosima asks partway through Delphine explaining her experimental design. The food mostly finished in front of them.

“Honestly? I have been talking to Dr. Yamashita. She’s suggested Ottawa. The public health pilot programs are run there, their breastfeeding rates are much higher than the rest of the country. Whether that’s due to the population or to the programs I cannot be sure. But I can likely find enough exclusive breastfeeders to get my samples from.”

“To the capital… for baby poop.” Cosima quips and then laughs. “I’ll clean up.” And she watches Cosima gather their plates, close up the leftovers and put everything away. 

“Eventually. I won’t start until next year.” Delphine smiles. “But it’ll be interesting and I can design things bilingually, it would work well in that area.”

“So I’ve heard.” Cosima nods. “I like… never hear French here.”

“What about me?”

“Other than you.” Cosima concedes. “But we’ve always mostly spoken English.”

“Because your French is rudimentary.” Delphine points out. “I don’t think you could handle me in French.” Not at a high enough level, Delphine thinks. As far as she knows Cosima only has several words in French.

“Oh is it?” Cosima reaches out a hand and leads her back to the small couch. “J’ai envie de toi.”  
  
Delphine’s eyebrows raise. “You… you remember me saying that?”

“Yep.” Cosima grins. “And I consulted WordReference not that long ago to confirm.”

“What else do you have?”  
  


“Tu es belle, Delphine.” Cosima tells her, her accent thick and clunky around the words. But it still makes her smile.

“Et?” Delphine prompts her.

  
“J’ai tombée amoureuse de toi.” Cosima drops her voice. “Je veux te faire l’amour.”

Delphine laughs at first, but then sees the hurt playing across the familiar face of her former lover. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Cosima asks softly. “I… I’m trying.”

“I know you are.” Delphine reaches out a hand, she strokes Cosima’s shoulder softly. There is something still there, Delphine decides, something beautiful and rare. Something worth trying to have again. 

“What do you want Delphine?” Cosima asks softly. “Do you want me to put on a movie? Do… you want tea? How do you want to do this?” Cosima looks at her, brown eyes softy and probing.

“What do you want?” Delphine stretches next to Cosima on the couch. “Really?” She doesn’t want Cosima to make this all about her. Not again. It has to be...equal. She has to give more than her teenage self ever did.

“I want to drop to my knees and eat you out.” Cosima admits. “I want you gushing down my chin, telling me how hot it is. How much you want me.”

She lets out a long breath. She had asked after all. What had she been expecting? Delphine pauses before countering. “What if I say no sex?” 

“Why would you?” Cosima wonders aloud.

“It’s a hypothetical question.” Delphine assures her. 

“Then we wait.” Cosima retorts but she sounds tired. “We can still date. We can still kiss. And I will wait until you want it. We can still watch a movie. You can stay over… and I’ll keep my hands and my lips to myself. Just.. spend the night.”

“Alright.” Delphine takes a breath and reaches to untie Cosima’s robe. She lets the fabric pool behind her revealing her body to her eyes. And she looks, she lets herself look wondering how it will feel now. If it will still excite her to see Cosima's body. Cosima looks more or less the same to her eyes. Rounded breasts with brown nipples, her lean muscled form. The one notable difference makes her laugh, the groomed thatch of hair between Cosima’s thighs.

“What?” Cosima asks, smiling. “What is it?”

“Nothing. You… you look good.” Delphine responds. She leans in to kiss Cosima but is shy about where to put her hands. Cosima doesn’t seem bothered though, she seems to take it all in stride.

“Mmm… so how do you want to do this?” Cosima hums at her between kisses. “Like this?” 

Cosima is eager, and in minutes somehow she has ended up under a naked Cosima, pressed back into the sofa. She should be doing something, should be… something and yet she lets Cosima lead. That is how it always was before. 

“OK.” She answers back, and finds herself shuddering into Cosima’s kisses. Responding to her touch. Responding to the feel of Cosima's skin, Cosima's ribs, under her fingers.

“Are you scared?” Cosima whispers to her, and when she nods she’s kissed softly again.

  
“A little.” She’s nervous more than anything. Aside from the handful of nights she’d spent with Cosima she hadn’t done this. And even then… she’d been so stupidly passive. Delphine grimaces at the thought now, she remembers regretting that bitterly in the weeks and months that followed. Remembers thinking if she’d given Cosima more, maybe things would be different.

“Don’t be scared, baby.” Cosima kisses her again. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

Delphine shakes her head. “I know. I’m not worried about that.” There never was pain with Cosima, she certainly wouldn't anticipate pain now.

  
“What are you worried about?” Cosima mumbles up from kissing her neck, she feels strong fingers open the fly of her dress pants. 

Delphine makes a small sound, almost like a laugh in her throat. “Being a lousy lesbian.” The words fall reluctantly from her mouth, and she suspects it will be true, no matter what she tries to do in return.

“Shh… Don’t worry about that.” Cosima is practically cooing to her as her fingers slip past the flimsy fabric barrier of her panties. Cosima toys briefly with her pubic hair and then slips down making better contact. Cosima must feel how aroused she is, but she says nothing, just keeps moving.

And Delphine cannot worry. She cannot even think, not when Cosima is doing _that_ with her fingers. Softly trapping her clit between them as she strokes gently.

“Aaaaah.” Delphine whines dropping her head. Cosima remembers she realizes. She must. Maybe this was going to be easier than she thought. 

  
“Like this?” Cosima mumbles, rubbing softly again. And it’s unexpected. Cosima is hovering above her naked, Cosima is exposed and she is not, and yet… Cosima is having her. Not the other way around.

“Cosima…” Delphine sighs pulling her closer. Cosima feels better than she remembers, and maybe it is better. Cosima moves with her, against her, and makes noises. Beautiful low noises that stir even more desire.

“Oh fuck.” Cosima sighs, and somehow she manages to capture Cosima’s lips again, she tries to give as much back as she can. Moves with her, kisses her deeply… but Cosima isn’t just teasing. And her body responds faster than she’d like. The tension builds and eventually she rips her mouth away from Cosima’s, only to arch up and release with a loud cry. Her heart responds too, as she looks up at Cosima above her. 

It is admittedly, Delphine thinks as she catches her breath, the best sex she’s had in years. And Cosima wasn’t even inside her yet. 

“You feel so good.” Delphine strokes Cosima’s skin, trying to reassure her. “I… You were wonderful.” She censors herself just a little. This may be a second chance, but she’s not a young girl anymore. She cannot go and confess her love to Cosima just because she had an orgasm. She needs to be a reasonable adult. Needs to not totally abandon her better judgement.

“You feel amazing.” Cosima moans, capturing her mouth in another kiss as she adjusts their position to straddle her. She can feel the heat of Cosima through her clothes, can tell just how much this encounter was already doing for her and the thought is mind-boggling. "Can we take this off you?"

“You win.” Delphine admits defeat. “You get to set the pace.” She wraps her arms firmly around Cosima, trapping her. She doesn't want to let go, and maybe she never will. At least, she'll have this night. She'll let Cosima try to change her mind if it means more of this. 

“Good.” Cosima responds. “Because I need more of you.”

“You can have _anything_ you want. I will... I will try.” Delphine tries to assure her. She won’t be lazy this time. Won’t be hesitant about anything. Surely… surely she could learn to please Cosima any way the brunette wanted. It didn’t have to be complicated as long as Cosima was patient with her. 

“I already do. I love you.” Cosima looks up at her, using her free hand to stroke blonde curls back from her face. “And… it’s not a line, Delphine. I really really love you.”


	15. Ever since the day we met

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is probably between 60 and 80% smut. Happy femslash february. I promise they will be more clothed in chapter 16

_Cosima_

_August_ _2007_

The drive isn’t terrible. Cosima thinks. Driving down the coast to see Delphine again. It’s eight hours but totally worth it. They’d lasted eight days before Delphine had begged her to come visit. She’s turning through various neighbourhoods with houses of increasing size until she finds it. Delphine’s uncle’s address. She stops, parking the car at the edge of the driveway all the way to the left as she was told to. There’s one car left out of the triple car garage next to the massive house. And even that one looks expensive, especially next to her ‘99 CRV.

Cosima climbs out of the car, but does nothing but stare. She doesn’t belong here, or anywhere near here. The house overwhelms her. It’s huge, near the beach and looks like Delphine’s uncle has more money than sense. It’s getting dark though. And she will have to call Delphine to get let in. 

  
The door swings open, unexpectedly revealing Delphine and Cosima feels her whole body relax.

“Cosima!!” Delphine greets her readily. “It’s just me and the kids.”

“Hey Delphine.” Cosima tries to be casual as she slips from her old car. The car in the driveway is pretty expensive and it’s probably just the nanny car. Two carseats in the back. 

Two fair-haired curly headed kids flank Delphine on either side. They look like little Delphines, both of them. Clearly the Beraud genes are strong, Cosima muses. She wonders if Delphine’s mother looks like that as well.

“Bonjour Cosima.” They chorus as prompted.

“This is Emma,” Delphine ruffles the hair of the older child. “And this is Thomas.” The little boy clings to Delphine’s leg, hiding behind her slightly. Cosima sees he is wearing a tutu and this just makes her smile more.

“Hi Emma, Hi Thomas.” Cosima crouches down a little to try to put them both at ease. The next day would go a lot better if the kids liked her.

“Did you like working at the camp with Delphine?” Emma asks excitedly. “Do you want to see the pool?”

“I thought we were going to have pizza?” Thomas looks up at Delphine. “Delphine you said when Cosima got here we were going to have pizza.”

“We are. I’ll order it now.” Delphine tells them. “My uncle is working nights tonight and my aunt is at some church thing. We can swim tomorrow, at home or at the beach, your choice.”

“Ladies Bible study.” Emma corrects. “They always get dinner after. And mommy is _always_ late.”

“More pizza for us.” Cosima shrugs. “It’s nice to meet you both.”

“We missed Delphine.” Thomas tells her plainly. “We are happy to have her back.”

“We did.” Emma agrees. “Mommy was grumpy. She had to leave work early for weeks. I don’t know if we’ll do camps next summer.”

“No worrying about that now.” Delphine guides her small charges back into the house. It has modern furnishings and manages somehow to feel both cold and airy at the same time.

Cosima lets Delphine and her small charges lead her into the house. It’s huge, almost cavernous, she finds as she looks around. There’s an area near the sliding door to the back deck that is distinctly a small play space for the two children, the rest of the home looks like it is out of some magazine. How did Delphine live like this? Was her life in Paris like this too? Or was she as much a fish out of water as Cosima here?

  
Either way, the house doesn’t seem to bother Delphine. And Cosima opts to feign nonchalance. Neither her student house in Berkley or her parents’ townhome in San Francisco was anything like this.

  
Delphine quickly orders delivery, and returns her attention to her cousins. “Let’s make veggies and dip.”

“Yay!” Thomas calls, pushing a chair into the kitchen to help her. Cosima stifles a laugh at the sparkly fairy wings the child is wearing. Emma too, is dressed up and from the looks of the kid’s area, Delphine was too until recently.

“Thomas, you’ll need to take off your sister’s costume and put it away before dinner. The fairy wings too. Emma, put your costume away in the drawer.” Delphine instructs her young charge who takes it upon himself to go upstairs and change.

“Does he do that a lot?” Cosima asks Delphine in a low voice.

“Yes.” Emma answers. “Mommy doesn’t like it. But Delphine lets us dress however we want as long as we don’t leave the house.” Emma picks up what looks like a knife designed for a child to sue and begins helping Delphine peel carrots.

“It is just play.” Delphine shrugs, unbothered. “Thomas can dress up however he likes for play. So can Emma. So can I.”

Cosima puts her backpack down near the stairs, trying not to sit on any furniture or do anything wrong. She shouldn’t even be here. She should have stayed in San Fran. What was she even doing here?

She stays mostly out the way, until Delphine asks her to help chop vegetables. And once the pizza arrives they eat. She makes pleasant conversation with Delphine’s small cousins, tries desperately not to stare at Delphine too long, tries to pretend that they are just friends. And it works, or it seems to until Thomas points out the distance.

  
“You drove a long way.” Thomas comments upon hearing she’d driven from San Francisco that day.

“I did. But I wanted to see Delphine before she went back to France.” Cosima responds honestly. The answer seems to satisfy the child, who kicks his legs under the table and stares at his half-finished slice of pepperoni pizza.

  
“OK, les enfants... au lit.” Delphine takes a child by each hand. “Cosima, can you clean up?”

  
“Sure.” Cosima prefers that to sitting around while Delphine tries to put two kids to bed. It’s boring and takes more than a half hour before Delphine is tiptoeing down the stairs again. The house is so massive she cannot even hear a thing. Either that or Delphine has her charges well trained for a quiet and orderly bedtime.

“Come on.” Delphine takes her by the hand and leads to the basement. The nanny suite is off a substantial rec room that no doubt is used mostly by the children. Definitely a world away from the rest of the house. It’s simply furnished, clearly very functional. Cosima drops her backpack and sleeping bag on the ground. She supposed she should make a show of laying out her sleeping bag on the couch. In case Delphine’s aunt or uncle comes down here tomorrow.

“Kitchenette, my own washroom, a small living area and my bedroom.” Delphine points it out. There’s a small window, but it still seems sad.

“Where’s the regular nanny?” Cosima asks, noting the decor is definitely not Delphine’s. More religious iconography and what looks like photos of family and friends that are distinctly not Delphine’s.

“Visiting her family overseas.” Delphine tells her. “She’ll be back next week and I’ll move up to the guest room for my last week and we’ll transition back.”

“I’m not sure this is a good idea.” Cosima mutters. “What if they have surveillance cameras?”

“They do. But not in the nanny suite.” Delphine admits. “It would be inappropriate.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes. They wouldn’t want to see me undressing or dressing.” Delphine assures her. “The closest camera is in the rec room. So they can tell who comes in and out. But my uncle is fine with me having a friend stay a night or two. And my aunt is fine with it I think. They know you are here.”

“And the kids can’t hear us?”

“Non. They are upstairs and down a hallway. And my aunt will be late, she’ll take valium and go to bed. She never checks on me after her church meetings. There’s a baby monitor in Thomas’s room in case he wakes up, but only we can hear him. Not the other way around.” Delphine points at the monitor on a shelf above the bed. “He rarely wakes now. But it does happen occasionally.”

“Good… what about tomorrow?”

“We’ll get up and take the kids somewhere. The beach? I think.” Delphine decides. “We’ll spend all Friday and then I’m off on the weekend usually.”

“And we can go anywhere.”

“We can.” Delphine confirms. “Once we hit 7 pm on Friday I’m free. Until Sunday afternoon.”

“Perfect.” Cosima tells her. “So… what now?”

“Well… the washroom is there if you want to shower.”

“Hey… are you telling me I smell?” Cosima teases and Delphine blushes.

“You are a little sweaty.” Delphine wrinkles her nose. “But I don’t mind.”

“I think you like how I smell. Even sweaty.” Cosima teases back. She lifts her t-shirt over her head, revealing a colourful bra. She playfully lets her shirt fall to the floor.

“Oh.” Delphine bites her lip looking at her.

“It’s better we do it now… before your aunt gets home. Just in case.” Cosima opts to explain. “We can shower after.” She’s done this sort of thing before, sneaking around, albeit in much smaller houses.

  
“Or jump in the pool.” Delphine giggles.

“I mean… yeah. We could. What do you want to do?” Cosima asks and then finds herself quickly pulled into Delphine’s arms. She lets Delphine kiss her, lets Delphine run her hands gently over her body. And it feels so good.

  
“Bed?” Cosima prompts, breaking the kiss and guiding Delphine backwards. “I want you like crazy… I want to show you how much I missed you.”

“It was only eight days.” Delphine teases her mercilessly, hands going to remove her own shirt.

“It was. It was eight days too long. I am a very needy lesbian.” Cosima grins mischievously, and pushes down her shorts, letting them fall to the floor. No sense keeping them on.

“I guess…” Delphine trails off. “I don’t really think about you being a lesbian that much. I mean I know you are… but we don’t really talk about that.”

“Well… I am. I know we agreed to ditch the labels and just enjoy ourselves. You… you don’t have to label yourself Delphine. Like… it won’t make me want you any less. Or...love you any less.” Cosima offers her words gently, trying to soothe her.

“I’ll be a lesbian for you,” Delphine responds after a moment of silence. “I want you.”

Cosima smiles at this. “Good. Because I want you too. I want you now.”

“So have me.” Delphine tells her, pulling their bodies back together. It’s easy, Cosima thinks, quickly stripping Delphine. She lays little kisses from Delphine’s ear to her collar bone and then down to her breast. She sucks gently, before switching nipples, trying to see if this does it for Delphine. 

They both grow hot, urgent, with wandering hands and lips. No matter how much she tries to push just a little bit further, Delphine pulls her back to her lips with both hands. They roll, and she lets Delphine kiss her, lets Delphine pin her to the bed.

“What do you want?” Delphine asks breathlessly, hovering above her. 

“I want you.” Cosima tells her. “I will do whatever you want to… but honestly? I want to do a bit more. We… we won’t get many more chances.”

“You can do whatever you want to me.” Delphine tells her. “I just want to be with you.”

“Well… not whatever I want… I mean I don’t even try to penetrate you because you need to be able to tell your crazy evangelical aunt you’re a virgin and believe it.” Cosima tries to keep the judgement out of her voice. It’s not as if she can’t do enough with Delphine otherwise. She could always eat her again. That was satisfying. 

“I’m not really, I guess.” Delphine sighs. “We’ve been...intimate. And I am not telling my aunt _anything_ . I’m not telling _anyone_.”

“Are you ready to let it go?” Cosima asks hopefully, ignoring the last statement entirely. “You know, I’d love to do it.”

“Be inside me?” 

“Yeah. I think about it when I touch you. I wonder if you’d like it. If I’d feel good to you.” Cosima can’t resist. “I want it… so much.” She runs her hands over Delphine’s nearly naked form. She’s slowly caressing a breast when Delphine responds.

“You do? You… you never said anything not since...”

“I want to be the one to give it to you.” Cosima interrupts, watching Delphine react. “I want to make love to you like that.”

Delphine’s response is amorous, kissing her fiercely and clutching at her body. Her hands slip under the blue fabric of her underwear and cup her ass. Cosima groans in response and lets Delphine push the garment down. 

“I’m going to be inside you.” Cosima whispers between kisses. She removes Delphine’s bra and underwear. This should be easy. Cosima thinks. 

Delphine moans and then consents. “Oui. I want you. I want it with you. I want to feel you.”

Cosima slowly works up Delphine, first stroking her. It’s probably enough, Cosima thinks but she wants her wetter. She leans down, kissing between sharp swells of hipbone, nuzzling the thatch of curls, tasting the skin of Delphine’s thigh. The scent proves too tempting and she begins to lick and suck.

“I thought you wanted to be inside me.” Delphine breathes out in a half-whine, clearly enjoying her attentions.

“I do… I want you really wet.” Cosima returns her mouth to its task. She is becoming rapidly addicted to Delphine’s smell. Delphine’s taste. Delphine’s little noises. 

“Cosima… I am aching for you.” Delphine whimpers to her, and she stops, softly freeing Delphine’s clit from her eager mouth. 

“OK. Let me know how this feels.” Cosima begins to work in a finger. “You are so wet, this will be easy.” 

“It will?” Delphine sounds uncertain, and it’s sweet. 

“Yup.” Cosima tells her confidently, she presses in gently and then stills. “How is this?”

Delphine looks at her, considering. “I’m not sure. I was aching before and… now you’re in but it feels a little strange. But there’s no pain.” She assures her.

  
Cosima moves delicately, testing her. It seems to be more or less successful. So she continues with her tender movements.

“I love it.” Cosima turns to words, to their bond, to try to increase excitement and pleasure. “I’m in you. It’s so beautiful Delphine, making love with you is beautiful. I love every part of you. I love this… Your perfect pussy… I’m going to try to add another finger, OK?”

“OK.” Delphine agrees readily, so eager to please. Or maybe just really curious.

Cosima works as gently as possible, trying to make it as easy as she can. She manages to slide another finger in but Delphine is so tight around her. 

“Oh…” Cosima sighs once she’s in. She looks down at Delphine, enjoying all of this. The way Delphine is clenching down on her, the look on her beautiful face. Maybe this is perfect. Maybe everything is as it should be.

“What is it?” Delphine asks her, hands stroking her face, trying to pull her closer. 

“We belong together.” Cosima coos at her. “We were made for each other.” She’s sure she’s spouting ridiculous love-sick drivel, but it feels so true. So right. At least right now.

“You believe that?” Delphine stops suddenly, looking up, her hazel eyes boring into her own. She looks vulnerable, hopeful and it takes her breath away.

“Ohhh Delphine.” Cosima begins to kiss her then. She moves slowly, sweetly bent on learning what Delphine likes. She doesn’t want to make her too sore, doesn’t want to overstay her welcome in Delphine’s body. This has to be gentle. She kisses her again and moves, this time with her whole body. She wonders what would make Delphine sigh. What would make her scream. 

She looks down at Delphine, flushed and mouth open underneath her. She cannot resist another moment. She ducks down, brushes wiry curls out of her way and begins to stimulate Delphine with her mouth. She curls her fingers gently as she licks and sucks. The scent and taste is almost overpowering now, the sweet musk of her. She is the addict, Cosima acknowledges silently, not Delphine. She cannot get enough.

Delphine comes, gushing her pleasure which Cosima laps up eagerly. She gently extracts her fingers before leaning down to lay an open mouthed kiss on Delphine’s opening. 

“That...you felt so good.” Delphine tells her, stroking her hair even as her eyes are tearing up. Delphine begins to cry, and it feels oddly OK.

“You’re perfect.” Cosima croons. “I’m so happy.”

“It pleased you too?” Delphine asks.

“Oh yes. So much.” Cosima jumps to assure her. “I love you… I love you.” Cosima repeats into Delphine’s skin, laying kisses against her mouth, her cheeks, her neck. Delphine needs to know that. Her summer love, Cosima thinks trying to show her love and affection.

She begins to rock her hips. Moving to grind her own sopping sex into Delphine’s thigh, as she often does after they’ve made love. Delphine’s long pale arms reach for her, kissing her again and again. But Delphine is crying more if anything, Cosima realizes quickly. She stops. Pushing up on her hands to look at her lover.

Delphine only clings tighter and sobs into her neck The tears fall against her skin and she tries her best to comfort her.

“What is it?”

“Je veux te pénétrer.” Delphine admits between her sobs. “Comme je peux si j’étais un homme.”

“OK … I think I understand. You want to penetrate me?” Cosima clarifies quickly. This is the opposite of a problem. She is instantly excited by the prospect. Delphine wanting to be inside her. Riding Delphine’s fingers instead of her own.

Delphine nods enthusiastically. “So so much, mon amour.”

“You can, baby, just reach down and touch me. I’d love to have you inside of me.” Cosima soothes her. “I _want_ you.”

“I want more.” Delphine whines, even as she moves her fingers down to touch her. Delphine looks down at her and sighs as she makes contact. She strokes gently before sliding two fingers in without preamble.

“More inside me? Or…” Cosima bites her lip. “Oh god you feel good Delphine.” She moves her hips trying to hint to Delphine what she wants. She raises her hips and pushes herself down, trying to impale herself deeper on Delphine’s fingers.

Delphine nods. “I want… I want to come inside you.” Delphine flushes at this and Cosima is stunned. She wasn’t expecting that from Delphine. She tries hard to keep her expression calm, not reveal her disgust at that particular thought.

“Baby…” Cosima mutters weakly. “That’s the one thing we can’t really do.” She’s not sure what to do about this revelation. She doesn’t find that kind of fantasy remotely exciting, but she doesn’t want Delphine to stop touching her either.

“I want it.” Delphine tells her, tears slowly stopping. “I want to do that to you. I want you to take me in.”

“Hey, look at me. Look at me.” Cosima urges Delphine. “Look down. You _are_ inside me. I am taking you in. You can feel me.”

“I am.” Delphine repeats. “I am inside you.” Delphine begins to move slowly, mimicking her own movements from earlier and for a few minutes it seems to satisfy her.

“It feels good.” Cosima tells her. “I like this.” She rolls her hips, reaching one hand down to guide Delphine. To help her.

“Good. It’s… enough?” Delphine asks. “Do you want something else?”

“Yeah… But you can be more inside, if you want… You can fill me.” Cosima encourages her, helping adjust her hand to add a third finger. It makes her hiss, and she holds Delphine’s wrist very still.

“Does it hurt?” Delphine asks, suddenly distressed. “I don’t want it to hurt.” 

“It’s just...tight.” Cosima groans. “I don’t… I don’t usually do this much.” That much is true, two fingers was always more than sufficient. But if Delphine wants… she will give to her. As much as she reasonably can anyway.

Delphine mutters under her breath. “You… you are full of me.”

“I am. And I’m going to come for you.” Cosima confirms, beginning to rock her hips again. Once she’s satisfied that Delphine can maintain the rhythm, she moves her fingers to her own clit, applying calculated pressure to it.

Delphine moans at her, following her rhythm. “Cosima…”

“I’m right here… this is more than enough, Delphine. This...this is our lovemaking.” Cosima tries soft words, romantic words. “This means so much to me.”

Delphine coos at her. “Quand nous faisons l’amour, je me sens complète.” Delphine keeps talking to her softly, keeps moving in to her. She knows she won’t remember half of what Delphine said to her later, but the feeling, the voice and the sound she’ll remember forever.

“I love you.” Cosima whines, she keeps rocking and looking down at Delphine. She comes to Delphine murmuring French at her. 

“Je t’aime.” Delphine nuzzles her, gently easing her fingers out of her sex. 

She clings to Delphine a while, slowly making her way back to kisses. They touch each other again, throw on nightgowns only to run to the edge of the pool and throw them off. They jump in naked and kiss and cling some more in the water. 

“Can I touch you here?” Cosima asks, pushing Delphine against the side of the pool.

  
“There’s a hot tub.” Delphine suggests. “We could get in.” She pulls herself from the pool, not caring that she’s naked and watches Delphine do the same. Delphine leads her back up on to the deck and uncovers the hot tub and flicks the switch.   
  
“Cosima…”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” Delphine tells her again, she pulls her back to her mouth, kissing deeply. And when they sink into the water, she lets a hand drift between Delphine’s legs. Finding her already aroused, Cosima begins to stroke her. 

“Inside?” Cosima whispers.

“Yes.” Delphine whimpers out, and she obliges her slowly, entering with two insistent fingers this time. She thrusts a little more firmly, experimentally and loves watching Delphine react.

  
“Don’t forget me.” Cosima begs as she works inside Delphine. “Don’t forget any of this.”

“I won’t!”

In the end, they have to stop as they become overheated, and quickly jump in the pool again to cool off afterwards. Cosima wonders if they’ll manage to get any sleep at all. Delphine leads her back down to the nanny suite, shushing her all the while. They shower together in the small stall, letting the hot water cleanse both of their bodies.

  
“I want you again.” Delphine tells her. Cosima strokes again, watching Delphine struggle with her desire and her sensitivity after multiple orgasms. Unfortunately, the shower is too small to drop to her knees. She doesn’t want to hurt her, so she stops to whimpering from Delphine who is biting her lip.

“Let’s go back to bed.” Cosima insists, and they make a show of dressing for bed, in case they are disturbed. She has to at least make it look like they’re just friends. Who knows how they’ll be woken up tomorrow. 

They’re snuggled up in bed when they hear Delphine’s aunt roll in. They hear the garage door open and close. And then nothing as her aunt goes up to bed.

“I never want to leave you.” Delphine tells her very seriously. 

“So don’t.” Cosima tosses back casually, pulling Delphine back in. She makes love to her again with her mouth, so slowly this time and Delphine cries again at orgasm. She stays between Delphine’s thighs a few moments, savouring the experience. 

“This cannot end.” Delphine sobs out, grabbing on to her.

  
Unsure of what else to say, Cosima opts to kiss her again. She murmurs her love, tries to reassure Delphine that everything will be fine. Delphine settles in her arms kissing her desperately.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine tells her softly. And Cosima cannot help but respond.

  
“I love you too.” Cosima rushes to assure Delphine. No matter what happens, Cosima tells herself, at least they will have really loved each other. And that will have to be enough.

* * *

_2018_

Cosima sighs, looking down at a still-clothed Delphine. “So?”

“You… you just told me…” Delphine’s eyes are wide as she attempts to process what she told her.

“Yeah.” Cosima swallows, easing off of Delphine. “And I meant it. I still mean it.”

Delphine closes her eyes and lays still underneath her for a moment. It was too much, Cosima realizes belatedly. While an 18 year old, or even 19 year old Delphine would have practically begged her to say that, now is different.

“You don’t have to say it back. Just... let me love you.” Cosima offers what she thinks is a good compromise. “Let’s go to bed.”

“Alright.” Delphine agrees, pulling herself up and walking the three metres to Cosima’s bedroom alcove. Cosima follows, smiling when she sees Delphine sit on her bed.

She slides back on top of Delphine, straddling her and lifting up to give Delphine just a bit of a show. She sees hazel eyes watching her, drifting their gaze over her naked body.   
  
“Do you like what you see?” Cosima asks, she rocks her hips. She wants to remove Delphine’s clothing but wants to tease a little more first.

Delphine’s voice is so quiet she barely hears her answer. “Oui.”

“Do you want to touch?” Cosima prompts, wondering if that is something Delphine still wants. 

“Oui.” Again, her voice is barely audible. 

“So touch me.” Cosima invites. She watches Delphine pale hands grip her hips.

  
“Comme ça?” Delphine asks.   
  
“Any way you want.” Cosima suggests.

“I want to be naked.” Delphine demands, and Cosima’s quick to help her undress. Only lifting up to remove her pants and underwear. It’s easy, and Cosima quickly eases herself back down. She makes no effort to conceal her arousal, lets Delphine feel it as a tease.

“Oh you’re so hot.” Cosima murmurs. She remembers this, Delphine looks very much the same. Pale, soft small breasts, pink nipples, her lithe form. Her own hands stretch out, she wants to memorize Delphine’s skin. See how familiar this feels. 

Delphine pulls her into a deep kiss, tongue probing deeply into her mouth as she lets her hands drift upward. Delphine’s hands slowly caress her body, sliding up and down her arms, her waist.

  
“Ohhh.” Cosima leans forward, delighting in this. Somehow it’s better than she remembers. Somehow Delphine’s hands are everything she wants at the moment.

  
“Slowly.” Delphine insists gently. Her fingertips gently slide over her skin. Cupping breasts and toying with her nipples before sliding down to her hips. She lets this be slow, lets Delphine touch, lets her rediscover. 

  
“Do you want to touch me?” Cosima invites, she lifts herself up in invitation.

Delphine bites her lip, but within a moment she is cupping her, playing with her, stroking her. 

“Yes…” Cosima groans. “Yes…”

It is sweet, and it is slow. Delphine languidly working her to orgasm, she takes her time. Entering her gently and moving her fingers slowly, curiously. Builds the pressure to a boiling point and somehow holds her there. Backing off just enough to prolong their encounter. And maybe it is a little clumsy, but with Delphine touching her it is more than enough.  
  
“Delphine.” Cosima moans. “Please.”

Her begging softens Delphine, who applies a little more pressure where she needs it. Finally, finally she climaxes and the look she sees on Delphine’s face isn’t teasing or smug, but relief. Delphine’s hand falls away to the side, a sheen of perspiration on her face.

“Oh.” Delphine sighs, and pulls her back in to kiss. Cosima goes willingly, presses their bodies together, sighing at the sensation. She rolls her hips down, settling between Delphine’s open legs. 

She grinds down pointlessly and smiles when Delphine responds.

  
“It’s… no so different.” Delphine tells her. “I sort of remember.”

  
“Good.”

“What now?” Delphine asks her, clearly enjoying the rhythm they are setting.

“Flip over.” Cosima slides to one side, and Delphine eyes her warily for a moment.   
  
“Why?”

“Just do it.”

Delphine complies, rolling on to her belly. She straddles her bare thighs and massages her ass. Cosima leans down and begins to kiss, from a mole on the back of her ribs up to her neck. She lays her body over Delphine’s 

“Yes.” Cosima moans lowly, she sucks and nips at Delphine’s neck as she rocks her hips into her ass.

“Aah.” Delphine cries out and sounds desperate but Cosima doesn’t want to speed things up. She kisses and sucks from Delphine’s neck, over her shoulder blades and down until she can kiss the swell of her buttocks. She bites playfully and then kisses again. 

  
“Attends..” Delphine reaches back with a hand.

  
“Is something wrong?” Cosima stops momentarily.   
  


“I… do not like anal sex.” Delphine gets out in a quick breath. “Not even with fingers.”

  
Cosima merely laughs and kisses back up, letting her hands massage the flesh there. “Good to know. But... not quite where I was going.”

  
“Where are you going?” Delphine asks, relaxing again beneath her.

She kisses Delphine’s neck instead, rolls them into a spooning position and finally, finally lets her fingers make contact with Delphine’s dripping core. This is perfect, Cosima thinks, stroking Delphine while she can roll her hips into her. Delphine too makes wonderfully desperate noises for her.

“More.” Delphine demands. “I need to be able to kiss you.”   
  
Cosima moves, obliging her and settling herself on top of Delphine. She kisses her mouth, pleased when Delphine chases her when she teases. “Do you want my mouth now?”

“Yes…” Delphine sighs, closing her eyes as Cosima kisses down her body slowly. 

She slowly moves to rest between Delphine’s thighs. She can worship her here, Cosima thinks. She starts soft and slow, bringing one hand to join her mouth, to enter Delphine’s needy weeping sex with two fingers. It feels good, Cosima smiles, and hums into Delphine. It is just as satisfying as she thought it would be. 

“Oui...oui…” Delphine breathes out, shaking underneath her.

Cosima doesn’t answer, merely continues, bringing Delphine to a quaking orgasm. She is convinced Delphine is starting to come when the blonde begins to laugh, loudly and uncontrollably. It scares her for a minute, and she lifts her head. 

  
“No… don’t stop.” Delphine whines when she does, so she returns to her task. A rush of liquid meeting her mouth and her fingers. Delphine lets out a few more inappropriate cackles of laughter before settling herself back on to the bed. A slow smile spreading across her face.

“Wow.” Cosima laughs a little. That was definitely new. She pulls away, never minding the mess, and gathers Delphine up into her arms to cuddle. 

“Hold me.” Delphine insists, wrapping her own arms around her. “Please hold me.”

Cosima is happy, her mind blissfully and unusually quiet for a few precious moments. She lays a kiss against Delphine’s dyed curly hair. 

“I love you.” Cosima tells her again. “I just… I want you to let me love you.” Like this, she thinks. Exactly like this. Delphine will stay the night, Cosima thinks. They’ll date. Make love as often as possible. In a year or so, they could get a place together. Delphine was definitely wife material, Cosima thinks with a slow smirk as she lays kisses against the blonde’s neck.

“I can.” Delphine agrees.

And it’s perfect until another memory reminds her what she’s done. And it’s not like Delphine and Jerome were like her parents, and even if they were. This wasn’t a swing party. This was full on cheating. Shit. 

Cosima looks over at Delphine, who looks both surprised and satisfied, and 100% guilt-free. Maybe this was in itself a problem.


	16. It's All Been Done

_Delphine_

_May 25 2018_

Delphine wakes up slowly, stretching in the early morning light. It takes her disoriented brain a few minutes to realize she is still at Cosima’s. Still in Cosima’s bed.  
  
Cosima sleeps right next to her, calm and content, even in sleep. So self-assured. Cosima is naked and wrapped in her dark red sheets. And she looks perfect, angelic even, in her sleep. Her glasses sit on the bedside table, her dreads down and scattered. Delphine longs to touch her, to stroke her or kiss her awake but it feels safer to do nothing.

  
The night had been pretty perfect, Delphine acknowledges. They’d watched a movie, a romantic comedy where both lovers were women. Cosima had brought her tea and they’d made love again. It was more satisfying that she remembered. If that was even possible. Cosima was as generous a lover as she remembered. 

‘ _Normalizing_.’ Cosima had called the film. Though a movie where a bride unexpectedly falls in love with her florist seems almost trite. It had been cute, even had a happy ending. Cosima definitely seemed to like it, enough to have a DVD copy.

Delphine reaches out a hand tentatively, she lets it hover just above Cosima’s hair. “You are beautiful, Cosima.” She tells her instead. Delphine pushes herself up in bed. She hasn’t had a real morning after in years. Not since Jérôme. And this was different, clearly already so different.

“Morning.” Cosima mumbles at her sleepily.

“Good morning.”

“Come back and cuddle.” Cosima invites reaching out her arms.

Delphine leans in, wrapping her arms around Cosima. “I’m not much of a cuddler. I’m sorry.” She can adapt, Delphine thinks. The sex part wasn’t as complicated as she’d convinced herself over the years, even if it had made her anxious about pleasing Cosima.

Cosima snorts with laughter. “Umm… Delphine you always have been with me.”

She remembers entire nights pressed against Cosima’s skin. Remembers letting Cosima lean back into her lap on the beach as her cousins made sandcastles. Remember tangling her limbs with Cosima’s at any opportunity. Maybe Cosima had a point.

“Maybe.” Delphine agrees reluctantly. It wasn’t her usual, and that much was true. 

“Definitely.” Cosima corrects her. “Do you… do you want to go again this morning? Or we could have breakfast.”

“You want to have sex again?” Delphine shouldn’t be surprised, but somehow she is. After all wasn’t that how things were before? 

“Yep.” Cosima nods after a brief pause. “I mean, if you do.”

She giggles. “I am supposed to work this morning. It is Friday.”

“No…” Cosima whines.

“I know you don’t usually work Fridays, but I do.” Delphine reminds her.

“So no hooky then.” Cosima accepts this, or seems to. “Are you happy you stayed?”

“I think so.” Delphine answers. “I… I was… You were… wonderful.” Delphine uses the same words again. She certainly doesn't want Cosima to gloat about this. Cosima was as good or better than she remembered, and the last thing she wanted was for her to get cocky. She didn’t need that again.

“We do need to talk though.” Cosima says gently as she sits up in bed. “Before we do anything else. As much as I’d love to just roll around this bed with you all morning and then go get brunch.”

Delphine struggles to contain her surprise. “About what?”

“Um... about you having a boyfriend.” Cosima looks directly at her. “I… I don’t do non-monogamy. I mean it’s like totally cool for other people; I don’t like have a problem with it. I have friends who do, whatever. It’s just not my thing. And if you intend on staying with Jerome… then we can’t do this. As much as I want to.”

“Cosima… Stop.” Delphine sighs, feeling a little guilty as Cosima’s clearly well rehearsed speech continues. “I just told you that so you wouldn’t pursue me. I do not have a boyfriend. I haven’t in years actually.”

“Well that worked out well.” Cosima laughs and drops her head. “So... Jerome is fictional?”

“Non. He is my most recent ex. But we broke up some time ago.” Delphine sighs.

“Uhh… OK.” Cosima nods awkwardly. “How long ago?”

“Over three years.” Delphine admits quickly. Honesty is the only option she has left. “Everything I told you about him was true, but we broke up during my PhD.”

“Personal reasons or academic disagreement?” Cosima leans in, tilting her head, her dreads down around her shoulders. 

“Both.” Delphine states bluntly.

“So you lied to me.” Cosima’s disappointment is clear now. “Why?”

“I told you, I thought… I thought it would prevent this.” Delphine waves a hand quickly between the two of them.

Cosima shrugs, looking a little sheepish. “I’m not that easily dissuaded.”

“I can tell.” Delphine replies with a small laugh. “So you’re not angry?”

“I’m relieved more than anything.” Cosima admits. “I really didn’t want to deal with it.”

“OK.”

“So… do you need to go home before going to work?” Cosima asks. “Because it isn’t even 8 am. We could definitely get breakfast somewhere.”

“Definitely.” Delphine laughs. She cannot show up at work in the same clothes as yesterday. It would be obscene.

“OK. So how about you run home, and meet me at 11 for brunch near campus?” Cosima suggests. 

“I could do that.” Delphine nods.

“Sounds perfect.” Cosima sighs. “Are you like hungry? I could get you some toast? Do you want to shower?”

“Yes. Thank you.” Delphine agrees. She could use a quick shower before Ubering home.

“I’ll make us a little breakfast.” Cosima offers. 

She’s handed a towel and pointed in the general direction of Cosima’s washroom. It’s not until she’s under the warm spray that she begins processing. She’d had sex with a woman. Something she’d thought she’d never do again. And it had been Cosima. And...so satisfying.

She washes off, noting that she smells like Cosima. Either her sweat and arousal, or her body wash. Admittedly, she enjoys both but she won’t be letting on to Cosima.

“All done?” Cosima calls when she turns off the water. She steps out and towels off. How can this feel so… normal? If her teenage self could see her now, Delphine chuckles wryly to herself. 

“Oui.”

She emerges wrapped in a towel to a large plate of toast, served with either peanut butter or jam.

“Is this OK?”

“Thank you.” She doesn’t remember how to do this. How to act the morning after. Cosima’s so at ease. Her last few years had been a couple one-night stands only. The encounters had been entirely sexual. And she hadn’t had to pretend anything after the fact. Not to be satisfied when she wasn’t. Not responding to emotions she didn’t share. None of it. She hadn’t had to do _this_.

Delphine continues. “I haven’t done this in a long time. I… I am not sure I remember how to do this.”

Cosima nods kindly at her. “That’s OK.”

“I haven’t had many real relationships.” Delphine tries to explain more. To make Cosima understand. She’s not sure if Cosima can. Clearly she’s had no problems with either sex or love. 

“That is totally fine.” Cosima places a soft reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Like, we can take things easy.” 

“OK.” Delphine nods. She eats quickly and calls an Uber. “I will… see you at the lab?”

“You bet.” Cosima grins. 

* * *

Delphine is working intently, going between the labs and her office all morning. She spends a good three hours calling various families in Dr. Yamashita’s experimental group and reminding them that in two weeks they will have to come back in again. She schedules the appointments in a shared Google calendar, and then resends the information to the parents by email. 

Failsafes. Dr. Yamashita had told her. It made sense to compensate for the sleep deprivation by sending their participant families multiple reminders.

The psycho development lab was busy, even without Cosima. She heard occasional cries, and Madison’s voice. Delphine pops her head out only occasionally. She is waiting, waiting for Cosima. She’d already cleared her afternoon to spend it with Cosima. She cannot stop thinking about Cosima. Cosima’s lips on hers. Cosima’s mouth on her body, on her sex. Feeling Cosima inside of her. Pushing inside of Cosima, trying to please her. Cosima’s sounds, her little moans.

She loses focus, remembering other things. What she’d wanted at 18 and 19. Remembers Cosima at 19, clinging to her, making love to her with urgency whenever they had the chance. Remembers what she wanted. How much she wanted. Could she have that now? Did she still want it? Could Cosima really give it?

She gets so lost in thought that she misses Cosima entering the lab.

“Uh what’s with the newborns?” Cosima asks loudly, disturbing Delphine from her fantasies.

Madison is quick to answer. “They’re here for intake for recruitment. Also they’re three to four months old. Not newborns.” 

  
Delphine quickly pokes her head out of the office. She had been so self-involved she hadn’t realized there were moms and babies in the lab. Very little babies. She tries to catch Cosima’s eye.

“But...you study language acquisition?” Cosima questions her again. She doesn’t make eye contact with Delphine, continues on.

“They’re making sounds.” Madison objects. “They’re the new crop of babies. They’ll grow.”

“But you will be off in September.” Cosima shakes her head. 

“They’re a pool for the dev psych experiments.” Madison sighs. “It’s fine, Cosima. I’ve got this.”

  
“No, seriously, you’re taking leave, right? I mean I’m an American and … you need leave.” Cosima looks at Madison with something that looks like concern. Delphine wonders if the two are closer to being friends than she initially thought.

Delphine opts out of observing this exchange. She needs to focus, needs to work. Has to at least pretend to be normal. To pretend her world hasn’t been flipped again. Then again, it is past 11 now, and she was getting hungry for the promised brunch. Cosima was late, Delphine notes, Late enough she starts to feel mildly annoyed.

“You have to call one of your subjects back.” Madison tells Cosima. “Go see the note on Dan’s desk.”

“Right.” Cosima goes to do so. And Delphine quickly cleans up to follow. Her craving for Cosima is back full force.

Cosima raises a hand as she quickly makes a call. Delphine waits. Madison’s few parent-infant pairs file out of the lab again leaving her with more paperwork to file. Madison looks at her expectantly, but Delphine only shrugs. She doesn’t owe anyone any explanation.

“Hey, this is Cosima Niehaus from the developmental psychology lab. This is Finn’s mom, Jillian?”

Cosima pauses again. Delphine cannot make out the voice on the other line but she can tell it quickly becomes distraught.

“Yeah...Orderly progression of motor milestones is bullshit. It’s all muddled and back and forth.” Cosima assures the crying parent. “If he’s just army crawling today that is fine. We can work with that.”

“He bum shuffles.” The mom sobs loudly enough for Delphine to hear. 

“OK. That’s fine. Some kids do. As long as he’s mobile and not walking you can still participate.” Cosima is totally calm. So wonderfully kind that Delphine finds herself peering around the doorframe. Maybe…. maybe Cosima can be exactly what she needs. 

Cosima continues calming the mother, assuring her that her child could still be part of the study. Delphine backs away and tries to give enough space. But Cosima seemingly has no problem concentrating on work. Seeing Cosima like this is different, and it gets to her. 

Cosima’s making a few notes when Delphine cannot stand it anymore. She goes to Cosima and pulls her in, she kisses her twice, deep and demanding. It doesn’t matter, Madison’s briefly left the room. No one else is even here. She keeps her arms firmly around Cosima’s waist.

“Oh.” Cosima is a little surprised and Delphine kisses her again, more gently this time. 

“I just.. I couldn't resist anymore.” Delphine tells her softly. It is embarrassing how much this kiss ignites her passion for Cosima. She wants, and it isn’t the time. They aren’t even in private. It wasn’t like she could drag Cosima into her office and have her there.

“No?” Cosima smiles widely. “You’re kissing me in the lab. You know, Madison could reappear any second.”

“I know.” Delphine doesn’t back up. She just loosens her arms a little, but Cosima clearly doesn’t want to escape.

“So… What is it?” Cosima asks, as she leans in. Cosima is looking at her lips, starting back at her in amusement.

Delphine bites her lip. “I want to be inside of you.” That desire has come back full force, and she was going to have to figure out better ways to satisfy Cosima. She might as well start soon. She could take her home and have her now.

“Oh wow.” Cosima laughs a little. “Umm… Delphine…”

“We… we can eat first.” Delphine jumps to assure her. “It’s probably lunch time now. Let’s grab a bite on our way.” This is actually happening, Delphine realizes. She is actually taking Cosime home with her. And she wonders where this can possibly lead. 

“Take me home.” Cosima is quick to invite her. “But first, brunch. I’m like starving.”

“Of course.”

The door swinging back open startles them both, Delphine drops both of her hands but it is only Madison, with a tall, bearded man she can only assume is her husband Chris. She wasn’t particularly eager to meet Madison’s husband after what she’s heard, but Delphine quickly resolves to be polite and try to keep Cosima in line.

“What got into you two?” Madison asks, able to realize she’s just walked into something private.

“We’re dating, again.” Cosima responds without asking her and Delphine feels her face redden. What did she expect? It wasn’t as if she could keep Cosima a secret now.

“Like… really?” Madison looks back at them and then shrugs. “OK.” 

“So who are you?” Chris asks inappropriately.

“Chris, you’ve met Cosima before, we work together. And this is Dr. Delphine Cormier, she’s doing her post-doc with Dr. Yamashita.”

  
“Hello.” Delphine waves awkwardly. She can deal with this. She can accept this. 

“Hey Chris…” Cosima’s smile becomes very forced and she waves politely. 

“So can we go yet?” Chris whines. “I don’t want to waste a whole day off on this.”

“I have a few things to finish up.” Madison turns to them to explain. “We’re baby gear shopping today. Just the big stuff. Our shower will be in July.”

“Ah.” Cosima nods. “Have fun with that. Also dude, contributing to baby care isn’t a waste. It’s called being a parent.” 

Noting Chris bristling with irritation Delphine quickly decides they need to go now, before Cosima can offend the couple further.

“Should we go?” Delphine speaks quietly to Cosima. She doesn’t want to look back at Madison or Chris. Doesn’t want to see how they are looking at her.

“Yeah we should.” Cosima agrees. “Later, Madison, Chris.”

It’s not until they’re cozy at a restaurant not far from Delphine’s apartment that Cosima asks the question that has no doubt been on her mind since their encounter.

”Do you feel really awkward?” Cosima looks up from perusing the menu. They’d opted for a small Vietnamese place. Vermicelli and spring rolls. Delphine thinks. Not bad at all.

Delphine starts, looking up. “About us?”

Cosima smiles with a little note. “Yeah. About us.”

“A little. I don’t know what kinds of reactions we’ll get.”

“Delphine… Toronto is a really great place to be gay. Or lesbian. Or bisexual. Probably even a good place to be trans. It’s big. Lots of people. The LGBTQ community is big here. You’re OK.”  
  


“Still… individual reactions vary.”

“Yes. They do. All kinds of people.” Cosima acknowledges. “But I’d bet near 80% of them are either OK with us, or won’t say anything. We’re safe.”

“Right.” Delphine sighs.

“Were your parents total jerks about it when you told them about me?”

Delphine considers. “They were disappointed in me. It was clear they weren’t happy about it. Especially when Oncle Michel told them they’d seen us naked and kissing in the pool on the security cameras.”

“Right… We probably should have thrown bathing suits on.” Cosima considers, she stops to take a long sip of tea. “It’s done now, you know. You’re not 18 anymore.”

“I know that.”

“What do you want?”  
  
“I want you.” Delphine sighs. “I wanted you then too, you know that. And for months after. Months… Cosima.”

“I remember. I remember you crying when we made love in my room in San Francisco.” Cosima smiles. “You didn’t want to go.”  
  


“Of course I didn’t.” Delphine’s voice hardens a little. “I _loved_ you. We were… we were making love all the time. You said you loved me. I thought… I thought it meant you wanted to be with me or at least try.”

“Woah… I never lied to you.” Cosima points out. “I told you, before you left. That long distance never worked but we could stay in touch and see.”

“But you…” Delphine stops when their server approaches. They both order their meals and sit in silence with their mugs of jasmine tea steaming slightly.

“I know. I didn’t give you the commitment you clearly wanted. But we couldn’t. Think about it reasonably.”  
  


“I know that.” 

“But I can give it to you _now_.” Cosima continues. “I can definitely be your girlfriend. We can be monogamous. We can do it now.”

“And I’ll have to come out.”

“Umm yeah, you will. Not like today or all at once. But I’m not being anyone’s dirty little secret.” Cosima shrugs. 

“Did it hurt you at all? When I left?” She might as well ask. Might as well know.  
  
“Delphine…” Cosima softens in front of her. “Of course it hurt me. I hated it when you left. And it hurt for months. But I knew that… that was the only way it could have gone. But I do not regret it.” 

“I did.” Delphine looks at her, knowing that she’ll try now. But that old hurt wasn’t going to fade away overnight.

They eat, and Cosima falls into step with her. They ride the elevator up to her rented condo apartment.

“It’s nice.” Cosima comments. “You got a really nice place from overseas. How did you swing this?”

“It’s a long term AirBNB.” Delphine admits with a small laugh. “I only have it for six months. I’ll be finding my own place at the end of the summer.” She will need to start looking soon, and hopefully she’ll find something she’s happy with.

“That… that’s good.” Cosima lights up a little, but that cannot imply what Delphine thinks she’s implying.

No sooner than is the door closed and latched behind them, than is Cosima kissing her again. She pulls her down, pulls her in.

“Oh Cosima…” Delphine breathes. 

“Do you want me?” Cosima whines into her mouth, and it sends arousal surging through her body. She clutches at Cosima’s hips, kisses her back more firmly. 

  
“Yes.” Delphine tells her breathlessly between kisses. She is an addict. And Cosima seems just as enthused as she unbuttons her blouse, begins to remove the layers of clothing between their bodies.

“Take me.” Cosima implores, kissing her again. And she does. She undresses Cosima, she takes her to her bed. Touches her eagerly, finds joy in it. She pushes her fingers inside and moans before Cosima has even started making noise. She loses herself in Cosima. Just… does her best. And hopes, hopes it will be enough.

  
  


* * *

_August 2007_

“Aunt Lisa, this is Cosima.” Delphine tries desperately to sound casual when she introduces the two. She’d spent most of the day at the beach with Cosima and the kids. She cannot quell her nerves, what if her aunt can guess? What if she notices how close they are? The day had gone well, they’d made sand castles and sand sculptures and ate a packed picnic lunch. It had made her feel strangely like Cosima could fit anywhere. Fit into any life. 

  
Cosima looks up from the board game she was playing with Emma and Thomas. “Hello Mrs. Beraud.”

“Hello Cosima.” Aunt Lisa is casual enough. “Delphine tells me you’ll be staying a few nights.”

“If that’s OK with you.” Cosima is perfectly casual. “I will probably drive back to San Francisco on Sunday.”

“That’s a long drive.” Aunt Lisa echoes her kids. “If you want to have a friend over, that’s fine Delphine. Just like Michel told you.”

  
Delphine nods her relief. “Cosima and I might go out for dinner.” Her uncle would meet Cosima soon enough, she assumed. And he was unlikely to notice much of anything.

  
“Sure.” Aunt Lisa shrugs. “I think I’ll take the kids to McDonalds anyway. We’ll meet Sheri and her kids there.”

“Nice.” Cosima nods. “Great.”

They take Cosima’s car and go to a reasonably nice restaurant.

“Cosima…”

“Don’t worry, Delphine. She can’t tell.” Cosima assures her. “She won’t guess.”

“OK.” Delphine wonders what she’s more afraid of. Her aunt throwing her out in a fit of rage or never seeing Cosima again. The two would go together, inevitably. What could this be?

“We’re ok.” Cosima assures her. “Dinner and a movie. A totally normal date.”

“A date.” Delphine repeats. That is what she is doing. She is dating Cosima. Kissing Cosima. Making love to Cosima.

“Yeah? What else?” Cosima grins and reaches across the table. 

  
Cosima kisses her here, where anyone could see and Delphine feels herself tense slightly. The love comes so easily, so why this fear? She knows, she could accidentally run into friends of her aunt and uncle. So much could go wrong and yet she won’t refuse Cosima. She can;t.

  
“Hey, Delphine. It’s OK.” Cosima strokes her face. “It is safe here. I looked up this restaurant beforehand. We’re in a very gay friendly area.”

Gay. Is that what she is? What she has to be now? Delphine mulls it over. 

“Je t’aime Cosima.” She says instead, trying to emphasize her love, trying to convey her devotion. They walk around together, and largely go unbothered, Cosima holds her hand and kisses her softly during the movie.Years later, Delphine won’t even remember what movie they saw, only the sweetness of Cosima’s breath. 

They slip in late, descend back to the nanny suite and make love again, soft and slow. She enters Cosima again. It is so clear now how much Cosima likes it, how much Cosima had been giving up to please her before. She needed to be better than this. Needs to be good for her Cosima.

“Oh Delphine… please… please…” Cosima whines softly, rocking her hips up underneath her. She tries her best. Cosima helps her, and it is enough, or it seems to be.

“We should … we should be together.” Delphine tells Cosima breathlessly when they’re done. Cosima coming down beneath her, inner muscles still clenching around her fingers. She cannot give this up. She couldn’t bear it.

“We are, baby.” Cosima coos at her. “Do you… do you want to do more?”

“Yes.” Delphine eagerly pulls Cosima back in. She can have her. She can love her. The rest, they’ll figure out together. They can have time.

  
  



	17. Sleepless long nights

_Cosima_

_May 25 2018_

Cosima smiles happily from her very comfy place on Delphine’s bed. Everything is white. White sheets. White duvet. White couch. She thinks fondly of defiling the expensive AirBnB furniture. Of having Delphine on every possible surface. The expensive leather couch might have been a mistake though.

Delphine makes a moaning noise in her sleep and rolls over. She could get used to this. All of this. She looks at Delphine, the pale skin, how she buries her face against one of her arms in sleep. And it is so familiar. So adorable. She cannot resist leaning in and kissing Delphine’s head, just once.

“I’m so in love with you.” Cosima groans. She should stop saying it. Delphine hadn’t yet. And there was likely a reason for that. In the meantime, Cosima lays down next to a sleeping Delphine. She thinks about them getting a place together at the end of the summer. Thinks about U-Hauling hardcore. And why not? They were both old enough to know what they want and recognize it. 

Delphine wakes slowly, moving and stretching in half-sleep before she’s pressed up tight to Cosima’s own skin. An arm thrown lazily around her.

  
“Bonjour.” Delphine mutters out.

“Good morning to you too.” Cosima grins.

“Have you been awake long?”

“Nah. Not really. I was just… enjoying this.” Cosima snuggles in closer, enjoying all the bare skin against her own. She could get used to this. She could get far too used to this.

Delphine pulls back for only a moment, observing her, before leaning down to capture her lips in a soft kiss. This, admittedly, had taken up a fair amount of their weekend so far. She’d stayed at Delphine’s. Worn some of Delphine’s clothes. Let Delphine take those slightly too long clothes off of her again. It had been… pretty perfect Cosima thinks as she smiles into a kiss.

  
Delphine tastes like sleep, but she cannot care. Not when the blonde’s tongue seeks her own, the warmth of her own mouth as hands caress her body. Delphine is eager. So eager Cosima finds herself reassured.

Cosima groans as pale hands slide up her ribs to fondle her breasts. “Ahh.”

“Tu l’aimes?” Delphine murmurs as she kisses her neck, moving her mouth to suck Cosima’s earlobes. Toying with the delicate flesh.

“I really like it.” Cosima sighs out, she cannot get enough. Delphine had been so generous with her. More than she’d really expected for their first weekend. 

Her excitement becomes quickly apparent, in her breathing, in her noises. Delphine pushes her down, leans over her body. Dyed curls falling into both of their faces. Cosima gatherers them in her hands, pulls back the hair and kisses her again, deeply. 

“Do you want me?” Delphine asks, accented voice low. Clearly imitating Cosima’s penchant for playing with her. And there’s only one answer she can give

“Yes.” Cosima groans as Delphine’s fingers begin to slide against her sex, parting her to stroke more directly.

Cosima moans encouragingly. She smiles as she feels Delphine push in with one finger and then two. Sexually, this had been incredible. Better than expected. She _feels_ loved, even if Delphine hasn’t said it yet. She watches Delphine touch, watches Delphine more intent on pleasing her by the minute. 

Delphine moves over her, pushes into her and it’s perfect. Fucking perfect. Cosima hums and rocks her hips up, trying to press herself into Delphine more. 

“Kiss me.” Cosima begs and she moans into Delphine’s mouth as soon as she does. It’s enough, more than enough, as is. She is satisfied. Cosima thinks. Delphine is brilliant, ambitious, beautiful… sexy. More than enough for her. 

She loses track of her thoughts, loses track of everything but the feel of Delphine inside her and Delphine’s thumb rubbing cautiously at her clit.

“Get inside me.” Delphine pleads, stopping momentarily. Her fingers still deep inside her, but they don’t move to withdraw.

“Like… stop or at the same time?” Cosima wonders aloud. Is Delphine that worked up right now? She won’t deny her if she is. As Delphine shifts she feels her arousal, liquid desire sliding against her skin. A tease? A demand? Does it matter?

“At the same time.” Delphine insists, and Cosima moves a hand to oblige her. She enters Delphine with two gentle fingers. It’s too much. It’s not enough. Delphine rides her fingers shamelessly, eagerly trying to keep up her rhythm. Delphine is hot around her, above her… they falter several times, but strive to maintain their movements.

“OK…” Cosima agrees. It’s too difficult to concentrate, she’s terribly distracted whenever Delphine moves or rubs against her. “Fuck. You feel so good inside me.”

“Cosima…” Delphine moans biting her lip, and moves again desperately above her. “Cosima…”

“Hey… you can… just relax…” Cosima manages to get out. She has to stay in control, has to get Delphine over the edge. Simultaneous orgasm don’t really seem achievable, even under these conditions. She doesn’t even want to try for that. It’s never worked before. Even when 69ing. 

“Non.” Delphine refuses, redoubling her efforts as pleasure contorts her face. “Make love with me.”

“I am…” Cosima whimpers out, and she just tries, tries to be what Delphine needs. And it’s easy, at least once Delphine begins to tighten around her fingers. It’s too distracting, Cosima thinks, as much as she’s close. It’s too much. 

“S’il te plait…” Delphine begs softly and Cosima tries to adjust, tries to improve the contact for Delphine. She manages it, and Delphine lets out a high pitched whine and begins to laugh again. And it makes Cosima begin to giggle. It shouldn’t, but this reaction is adorable. Unexpected, after all this time. 

Delphine comes and another rush of fluid flows down her wrist. Delphne’s fingers still and Cosima slides them out of her body by the wrist. She doesn’t need it, Cosima thinks. She just needs Delphine. Maybe she always has. Not like in a crazy soulmates way but just in a …rightness sort of way. There’s got to be a way to make this sound less crazy. At least she hopes there is.

“Oh… baby.” Cosima coos, wrapping her body around Delphine’s. Enjoying the light in this apartment. How she can see all of Delphine. No shadows. Maybe there was something to be said for the newer condo buildings and their walls of modern windows after all.

Delphine grips her tightly, and murmurs slowly to her in French. But the one phrase she wants to hear is missing. _Je t’aime_. Cosima wonders when she’ll hear it again. If Delphine is just holding out or if this isn’t quite the same on both sides. And maybe it shouldn’t matter, not this early in the game. 

“What does it mean?”

Delphine lets out a short puff of breath through her nostrils. It’s almost a laugh. “It means we need to be inside each other… That I cannot get enough of you.”

And it’s enough, so very enough, that Cosima finds herself wildly kissing Delphine again. First, she’ll make love to Delphine with every ounce of tenderness she possesses. And then… then they’ll get brunch.

* * *

“Hey… sorry I’m late.” Cosima runs up to Felix, who is holding a coffee and a tea latté outside an overpriced coffee shop. She’d just finished a leisurely brunch with Delphine. Totally worth being late.

“You’re always late. Anyway it’s no skin off my back.” Felix smirks. “They sold another two of my paintings. Can you imagine? 385$ a pop! And they were small canvases!”

“Nice.” Cosima grins. “So tea is on you?” She wonders if the paintings were Pride themed or otherwise homoerotic. She could imagine them selling 

“Non-dairy London Fog. And only this once.” Felix passes it over. “I thought you’d forgotten about this.”

“Uhh almost…” Cosima admits. “I’ve been distracted.” It doesn’t seem worth the time, but the only sensible thing to do is to make sure Delphine gets some kind of break from her. Some chance to miss her or reflect or something.

  
“So distracted you forgot to go to the new pot store with me?” Felix bounces on his toes. “I have a couple more stores I want to try to get to show my stuff for June. Then sell in July after Pride.”

“Kinda.” Cosima might as well admit it, if it weren’t for an pre-programmed event in her phone she’d have entirely missed this. And maybe that wouldn’t have been a big loss.

“So, how is the future Mrs. Niehaus?” Felix asks somewhat casually as they stroll down the Distillery district. It’s a neighbourhood she likes, she wonders briefly what rents are like and what a one bedroom would run her and Delphine a month.

“Don’t call her that.” Cosima protests fruitlessly. Sure, Delphine is total wife material but the last thing she needs is to scare Delphine off.

“Why not?” Felix tosses back.

Cosima pastes a suitably disgusted expression on her face. “Uhh because it’s like psycho to date someone trying to find a wife?”

“So you’re psycho now?”

Cosima shakes her head. Denial is definitely the best option here. “Dude…I never exactly said I wanted a wife. I said I wanted long term and serious. A deeper connection. It’s not like I’m rolling over and thinking about baby names and a wedding registry.” She hasn’t. Not _yet_ anyway. It is way too early for those thoughts. Cosima hadn’t let her fantasies get much past getting a place with Delphine at the end of the summer. And she thinks she can swing it.

“Actually you did. Drunk Cos said it for you, more than once. So you haven’t told her you’re looking for a wife?” Felix laughs at her, and stops to sip his coffee. “Well this could get interesting.” 

“Uhh no. Didn’t come up.” Cosima deadpans. How could Felix think she’d actually say something like that? 

Felix raises an eyebrow at her unimpressed. “So you’re just seducing straight Delphine over and over hoping she decides - hey, I’d like a wife?”

“One, Delphine isn’t straight.” Cosima looks Felix dead in the eyes. “While she may have identified as such, that is not consistent with her behaviour and… well experiences of attraction. Secondly, Delphine is like all over me in bed.” Cosima might be exaggerating just a little. But at least it would get Felix off her back.

“Oh now we’re getting into identity versus behaviour.” Felix laughs at her. “I know men who aren’t gay and have sex with men all the time. They wouldn’t want a boyfriend or a husband, but damn do they want to hit it. To shag. To get shagged… Sex feels good. And people want all sorts of shit done to them. It… it doesn’t _mean_ anything like… at least 75% of the time.” 

“It is different with Delphine. She’s not one of your… men.” Cosima brushes it off. She doesn’t want to hear it. Delphine is different. Their love is real and so is the attraction. It’ll work out. Cosima repeats to herself. 

“So you’re telling me she’s eating you out?” Felix raised a perfectly groomed eyebrow. He stops, outside their destination, suddenly more interested in their conversation. 

“No.” Cosima frowns. “But that’s not important.” Why did that have to matter? It was just one thing and if Delphine wasn’t there yet who cared? She’d never done it in 2007 either.  
  


“Suit yourself.” Felix shrugs. “I don’t think I’d want to be with a man who didn’t want to blow me.”

“Dude, you have sex for money when it suits you.” Cosima grimaces. “We have very different standards.”

“Hey. It’s hard to make a living as an artist!” Felix objects.

“Ooh yeah, your master’s in fine arts isn’t going to get you far.” Cosima jokes. Then again, work in research or academia can be limiting too. 

“At least I’m not husband hunting.” Felix smirks. “I have way too much fun for that.”

“Dude… Someday you might want one.” Cosima shrugs. 

“Hah. I doubt it. Oh … are you taking Delphine to Pride?”

« Umm that was my plan. I hadn’t exactly asked her yet. »

“Can I watch?”

  
“Watch what?” Cosima shoots back.

  
“Delphine seeing Toronto Pride for the first time. I expect total deer in headlights. Might be entertaining.” 

“Yeah. I was actually thinking just Delphine and I. She needs a ...gentle introduction. Without an audience.”

“Jesus…” Felix shakes his head. “Is she like religious? Was she?”

“Her aunt was, kind of her uncle too. But Delphine’s an atheist. Maybe a little less vehemently than before.” Cosima might as well tell the truth. At least enough of it.

“Ooh so complicated past.”

“You have no idea how hard it was for her. Even I don’t know all of it.” Cosima looks at him seriously. “Delphine was outed at 18, against her own will by her aunt and uncle and their stupid security cameras. I think that has had an effect.”

“She’s 29. If she doesn’t get it together soon, she never will.” Felix sighs. “So you accidentally made porn on their security tapes? Do you think they kept it?”

Cosima turns stern. She won’t have this misconstrued. “It’s not porn. Like we skinny dipped and made out in the pool. There weren’t cameras in the nanny suite. And I am sure they deleted it.”

“Are you sure she can get it together? 11 years and she hasn’t shagged another woman. She’s not a safe bet, Cos. She’s a confused straight girl.”

“She will, with me.” Cosima tells him decisively. “She _loves_ me.” She remembers that, remembers Delphine repeating the words over and over when they made love. And even now, they make love Delphine has the same expression on her face. 

“Good luck with that.” Felix nods. “And now… cannabis.”

Cosima nods quickly in agreement. Eager to change the subject to anything else.


	18. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

_ Delphine _

_ Late August 2007 _

Delphine paces frantically around the ground floor of her uncle’s house. She’d moved her belongings up to the guest room - not far from the children, two days ago. And now the real nanny was home and she was bored. She played with Emma and Thomas, but they were so happy to have Maria back. And there was no reason she couldn’t go spend a few days with Cosima. Having been assured they’d be staying with Cosima’s parents, and even Lisa had called Mrs. Niehaus to confirm. Sally Niehaus had had the good sense, or lack of information, to give absolutely nothing away but confirm that Delphine would be staying with them. It was approved. But she couldn’t stop the nervous energy in her body. It had nowhere to go. 

“Are you alright?” Michel asks her, looking up from the novel he’s reading casually. 

“I’m fine.” Delphine brushes off his concern.

“I am sure your friend will be here to get you soon. Just… promise me you won’t miss your flight. Changing it to San Francisco was a pain. It’s a beautiful city, just be careful of the… unsavoury parts. And  _ no _ drugs.” Michel states, careful to gloss over what he is saying. Even without Lisa home. Delphine suspects her uncle knows enough about the reputed gay community there, but why would he have any reason to believe she’d be interested? She’s been careful. They’ve been careful.

“I look forward to it.” Delphine answers instantly. She can't help it. She misses Cosima. And she wants to leave here as soon as possible. They don’t have much time left. She doesn’t want to waste a minute of it. 

‘You’re going to wear a hole in the floor. Just promise me you girls won’t drive through the night. Stop somewhere and sleep. Driving up the coast can be nice too. Just don’t expect swimming weather.” Oncle Michel warns her and then shifts on the couch. Moving away from the sounds of his playing children outside. No doubt wanting quiet.

Finally the doorbell sounds and Delphine rushes to get it. 

“Hey.” Cosima appears, looking a little tired behind her usual bright smile.

  
“Oncle Michel. Cosima is here.” Delphine hollers behind her.    
  
“Alright.” Michel wanders in. “Hello Cosima. I’m Michel Beraud, Delphine’s uncle.”   
  


“We met briefly. Last time.” Cosima reminds him. And Delphine remembers, the two were briefly introduced when he was coming off a shift. He doesn’t even remember. 

“Ah. Of course.” Michel nods. “I’ll go get your bags Delphine. You should say goodbye to your cousins.” Her uncle moves to collect her things and Delphine decides to let him.

“I will.” Delphine agrees. “Can… you wait?” She looks at Cosima hovering near the door. It should be awkward, but Cosima seems more or less at ease. 

“Delphine… take fifteen minutes to say goodbye. It’s fine.” Cosima laughs. “I’ll throw your bags in the trunk of the car and use the washroom.”

She steps into the backyard. Both kids are playing near the pool. Emma drawing with sidewalk chalk against the fence. Thomas throwing various pool toys into the pool. Maria smiles. 

  
“Bye Delphine. I’ll see you next time.” Maria waves happily. Her vacation had left her in a good mood.

“Bye Maria.” Delphine is polite, Maria is nice enough after all. And she’d enabled her vacation. “Emma and Thomas, vous me manques déjà.” 

“Bye Delphine!” Emma calls cheerfully. Seemingly happy with the state of affairs. 

“You’re leaving now?” Thomas whines, he runs to her and throws his arms around her waist. She ruffles his curly blonde hair.

  
“I am. I’ll be back. Or I’ll see you for Noël at Mémé’s first.” Delphine assures him. Emma runs over for a quick hug as well. She will miss them. They didn’t have as much time together as usual. And it makes her a little sad.

“Are we going to Mémé’s for Christmas?” Emma asks. “Mommy didn’t say anything.”

  
“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask your parents.” Delphine innerly berates herself for mentioning that plan at all. Now if it falls through they’ll be disappointed. Or if she’s not in France for Christmas break herself. After all, it is decently long enough that she could try to visit Cosima then. She’ll have to find a way to make this work. She started university early, and should be done within the next 18-24 months. Separation doesn’t have to be forever. There must be a workaround.

Delphine tries to concentrate on Cosima. On the promise three days together hold. It will have to be enough for now. 

  
Cosima waits for her at the door. “All ready?”

“Yes.”

“Bye Oncle Michel.” Delphine gives her uncle a quick hug, which he returns before moving back to watch his kids through the windows. 

“Bye Delphine. Stay safe. Have a good time.” Michel repeats. No doubt to remind her not to do drugs in San Francisco. She wasn’t really planning on it. 

“And freedom.” Cosima smiles as they clamber back into the CRV. “We’ll have to stop and get gas before we leave LA. But then we just...drive up the coast. We’ll find somewhere to stay tonight and then we’ll spend the next three nights with my parents. But trust me, they’re like… super chill. Too chill.” Cosima shakes her head and for a minute she wants to ask what Cosima means.

She watches Cosima start the car, she waves out the window, noticing that Emma and Thomas have come to wave at the door. She isn’t free yet. Must maintain the fiction of just being friends with Cosima a little bit longer. 

They pull out of the driveway and away. And it is a thrill. But they’re careful, both careful not to touch.

“I am so excited.” Cosima admits. “I am so happy you asked to come. I know it’s a long drive and switching your flight was a pain. But I promise we’ll have fun.” Somehow Cosima doesn’t seem tired. Maybe she’d stopped for a break along the way.    
  


“I know we will.” Delphine responds quickly.

“Oh I am going to have so much fun with you. I am going to show you San Fran. Get you totally baked… Maybe we’ll like…” Cosima trails off and looks to Delphine wondering. “What is it?

“Does your mom know?” Delphine asks Cosima as she watches the streets change, as they drive.

  
“Know what?” Cosima stops, checks her mirrors and continues. They are both eager to get going. To make the most of their limited time together.   
  


Delphine wonders why it isn’t obvious. “That we’re lovers.”   
  


“Not...explicitly.” Cosima responds. “Mom isn’t much of a liar, so I gave her as little information as possible so she didn’t fuck it up when your aunt called.”   
  


“Oh.”

“But she knows I’m a lesbian.” Cosima shrugs. “She might assume we are, but I didn’t tell her one way or another.”   
  
“And they… they were fine?”

“Yeah like I said. My mom and dad are super chill about sex. Too chill.” Cosima winces a little. “Like they are  _ way  _ worse than me.”

  
“What… what do you mean?” Delphine isn’t quite sure what Cosima is getting at.    
  
“My parents are swingers.” Cosima grumbles as she keeps driving towards the highway. “So… they have like zero leverage in judging anything I do.”

“Swingers?” Delphine repeats. She has no idea what that means. It sounds… odd. Another weird American slang term she has no knowledge of.

Cosima groans. “My parents go to creepy sex parties and have sex with other people and then go home together. Apparently they’ve been doing it for years. Brings all new meaning to my sleepover weekends when I was a kid. Ugh.”

“Oh.” Delphine doesn’t know what to say to that. 

“Yeah I found out when I was like 14? It is totally humiliating. Even now. But basically… I remind them of it whenever they try to judge me for anything. It’s only fair.” Cosima shakes her head. “Me being a lesbian is so not a big deal in comparison.”

Delphine laughs a little, nervously. “Oh.”

“I have no interest in being like my parents. Do not worry.” Cosima shudders. “One woman at a time, thank you.”

They drive and stop at a motel about halfway back to San Francisco. Delphine cannot wait to get Cosima into her arms. She waits until they’re alone, safe behind closed doors and Cosima pulls her in eagerly. She tastes like the candy they ate along the road and something else… something almost sour and pungent beneath. Cosima strips off her own clothes and then Delphine’s. They are beautiful together, Delphine reasons. Her body pressed to Cosima’s, their mouths meeting and clinging.

“Oh…” Delphine sighs. She  _ wants _ . And kissing is easy, Cosima lets her pull her back towards the bed. Lets her kiss her, lets her press her back into the mattress. But when Delphine wanders with her mouth down past Cosima’s sternum in exploration, her lover tenses. Abdominals tightening under her questing mouth. Maybe she should have started with her hands? Maybe she’s done something wrong?

“What… what are you doing?” Cosima asks. And she doesn’t know if she’s ever seen Cosima look tense during sex. Not like this.

“I was… going to do...what you did.” Delphine stops looking up. Maybe Cosima doesn’t want it like that? Or maybe Cosima thinks she won’t be any good?

  
“No. No you don’t have to.” Cosima shakes her head and pulls her in again.

“I don’t have to.” Delphine repeats, she moves up Cosima’s body. Uses her hands instead to pleasure Cosima. If this is what Cosima wants then she will give it to her.

She presses into Cosima, kisses her ravenously, strokes her. She leans back and watches her face intently when she comes. Cosima’s skin flushes, her head tilts back, she cries out loudly and it makes her feel so much. 

  
“Je t’aime. Je t’aime..” Delphine repeats at Cosima, looking down at her. That must be the most important part, the emotions between them. Whatever they do to please each other is second. She can give Cosima love. So much love. 

“I love you too.” Cosima tells her after. Cosima is quick to reverse their positions, to slowly move down on her body. To press her mouth to intimate flesh. Cosima licks and sucks, Cosima stimulates her that way. She crests twice before Cosima enters her again. Fingers pumping into her eagerly.

“Does it feel good?” Cosima lifts her mouth to ask. She moves up to watch her face. Just as enamoured.

“Yes.” Delphine groans. It isn’t fair. Delphine acknowledges. But maybe it never will be. 

  
“I can’t get enough of you…” Cosima assures her.    
  
Later, they lay together in a sufficiently disheveled pile of sheets. Neither wanting to completely separate their bodies, but both too tired and sensitive to continue lovemaking.

  
Delphine smiles at Cosima as she plays with her hair. “What are we going to do when we’re at your parents’ house?” It worries her, that this night be all they have of lovemaking for a while. 

  
“Uhh same thing we’re doing now?” Cosima looks back at her stunned by the question.

  
“But in their house…”   
  
“Yeah… So?” Cosima laughs. “Trust me. Sally and Gene Niehaus do not care. Would your parents?”

Delphine stops considering. “Not if it was a boy in bed with me, I think. But a girl… I don’t know.” And it’s true, she has no idea how her parents would react to finding her in bed with Cosima.

“I don’t think parents should make a big difference to be honest.” Cosima yawns. 

“No. They shouldn’t.” Delphine finds herself agreeing. Trying desperately to picture what being with Cosima would be like. What kind of life they would build. 

  
She falls asleep thinking about taking Cosima to Paris, thoughts of kissing her lover there. 

***

“Mom, Dad, this is Delphine.” Cosima calls out as she pulls Delphine through the front door of their house.

“Hi Delphine.” Sally calls from her place on a squishy brown armchair. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Hello.” Gene looks up from what looks like some sort of scientific journal on his lap.

  
“They’re both professors.” Cosima tells Delphine quickly. “Both academics.”

“Hello Sally, Gene… Thank you for letting me stay with you for three nights.” Delphine offers. “Where should I put my things?” She looks at these strangers and sees pieces of Cosima in both of their faces. They don’t seem too scary, even if they do have some...odd hobbies. 

  
The two, both with greying brown hair, Gene’s curly like Cosima’s, Sally’s seemingly straight, laugh at her. “I assumed you’d be staying in Cosima’s room.”

“She will be.” Cosima confirms without hesitation and pulls Delphine along up the stairs. There are five doors. Cosima stops. “My room is at the front of the house. My parents’ at the back.” She points. “Washroom is there on the left, the other room is mom and dad’s shared office. We don’t go in there. That is like the only rule. And then the other door takes you up to the attic.”

“What is up there?” Delphine asks as Cosima shows her into her room. A double bed takes up half the space on the front wall. A small desk at the other side and a small chest of drawers. 

  
“A guest room. It’s like rarely used.” Cosima shrugs. “And some storage.”

“Where should I?”

“I’ll clear out a drawer for your stuff.” Cosima offers, immediately grabbing armfuls of...sweaters from her bottom drawer and shoving them up in her closet. “Here.”

  
Delphine unpacks, an odd thing to do for only three days. But at least she can be with Cosima.

“I am exhausted. Do you want to nap?” Cosima asks. 

“Girls… Do you want lunch?” Sally hollers up the stairs.

“I’m hungry.” Delphine admits sheepishly.

“Alright. Lunch first.” Cosima leans forward and kisses her quickly. “I am sure this won’t be long.”

  
Cosima’s parents insist on taking them out for lunch, unexpectedly. A sushi restaurant the Niehaus family seems quite fond of. They order a meal, a boat of sushi and various appetizers. Delphine drinks tea awkwardly and answers their polite questions about herself and her studies.

  
“You’re almost done your bachelors? In biology?” Gene repeats, his eyebrows raising. He looks at her through glasses trying to assess her no doubt.

“Yes.” Delphine confirms. “I have less than two years left. I will apply to medical school after that I think.” It seems to be the logical next step, Delphine thinks. Wondering if it really matters which country she goes to medical school in? The Cormiers could afford foreign student fees. She could be near Cosima that way. If they can just wait a little bit longer.

  
Cosima beams at her from across the table. “I told you Delphine was special.”

“Wow.” Sally too is impressed.

Delphine smiles. “But so is Cosima… We… We have a lot in common. We ...we get each other.” She reasons out to herself. Maybe that is why they’ve fallen in love. Maybe it’s beyond sex. Beyond sexuality or gender… maybe it is just...special. Or maybe, Delphine considers as their server sets down a large wooden boat of sushi at their table. Maybe she is just a lesbian after all. It doesn’t matter. 

“She started early.” Cosima points out. “It’s not a fair comparison. I’m only one year into mine.”

“We aren’t comparing, Cosima.” Gene shakes his head. “Just curious.”

“Anyway. We need to show Delphine all the best things in San Francisco.” Cosima smiles at the thought.

“I think you two can handle that yourselves.” Gene laughs to himself. “Just let us know if you’ll be home for dinner or not.”

  
“We can do that.” Cosima volunteers. “I figured I’d take her to see the Golden Gate bridge and park, maybe Alcatraz. Hit the tourist spots. Take her through the Castro… Maybe some other things too.”

  
“We can.” Delphine has resolved to be as perfect a houseguest as possible. It is clear Cosima’s parents see her as Cosima’s latest girlfriend. She hopes they have the sense not to tell her aunt if by some chance she calls again.

“Maybe Cosima will get to go to France.” Sally suggests. “I bet that would be fun for you both.”

  
Cosima suddenly goes very quiet next to her, Delphine turns to look at her in concern. But neither of them respond. It sets a worry going inside her, that didn’t exist before. Neither Sally or Gene broach the subject of Cosima visiting Delphine again after that. And maybe it’s for the best. 

They nap after lunch, cuddled up in their underwear in Cosima’s bed. She wakes spooning Cosima’s smaller body against her own. Things must be OK again, Delphine reasons. 

  
“I love you.” Delphine offers to Cosima, she begins kissing Cosima. Her shoulder, around her bra strap, her neck and Cosima leans back into her. The necklace Cosima is wearing catches her attention. Cosima removes all other clothing but leaves it on. It won’t get in the way after all, Delphine reasons. It can stay on.

“Have me.” Cosima invites her. 

And she does, eagerly kissing Cosima’s mouth. The sun isn’t down yet and part of Delphine wonders if they’ll be interrupted for dinner. She strokes Cosima to a soft orgasm, watches the pleasure contort Cosima’s face. Cosima is coming down and she thinks of entering her. Of rubbing herself up against her. 

  
Cosima loses patience and flips her over. “I need you now, Delphine.”   
  


She kisses her, eagerly helps Cosima remove her bra, her undergarments. Cosima is inside of her in minutes, two fingers pushing deeply. Cosima moves over her, kissing her skin, teasing at her breasts. 

  
“Can you take more?” Cosima asks softly. “You’re really wet.”

  
“We… we can try.” She groans. And they can, Cosima withdraws, coating her fingers in Delphine’s arousal before pushing back in with three fingers.

“Aahh!” Delphine gasps out. Cosima feels so good. She’s not sure she can get enough. Can satiate her lust. It comes back, again and again, only seeming stronger. 

Cosima is still cautious with her. “Good?”   
  
“Yes.” Delphine sighs, she moves into Cosima’s hands. Moves with her, pulls her in to kiss, to love. She crests, and rides out her orgasm. 

“Oh yes.” Cosima murmurs. 

  
There is love. Delphine thinks as she strokes Cosima’s face. So so much love. They can make this work. This relationship. It can be enough, for both of them.

* * *

They reluctantly pull themselves away from each other. They shower together and it takes longer than it should because as they are finally towelling off they are interrupted.

“Dinner will be in 20.” Gene hollers up the stairs. 

“We’ll be done.” Cosima yells back. Then she looks at Delphine with a mischievous expression. “Do you want to smoke pot?”

Delphine shakes her head at first. “I… I’ve only smoked cigarettes… and not while I’m here. Aunt Lisa…”

“Won’t let it in the house… Wait but your uncle smokes. He’s got smoker’s lines around his mouth.” Cosima lifts her head. 

“Oncle Michel does… discreetly. But never at home.” Delphine admits wryly. “I don’t here… I… try to quit off and on.”

“Currently?”

“On.” Delphine laughs. “But I’ll try it.”

Cosima giggles happily and runs for her bedroom. They dress and go down to the backyard. It’s smallish, Delphine acknowledges. Cosima lights a joint and takes a long toke. She lets the smoke out slowly through her nostrils. 

“Come on.” Cosima offers the joint.Her mom and dad do nothing but look briefly out the dining room window at the two of them on the small deck. 

“Alright.” Delphine giggles and takes the small glowing joint. She inhales, holding the smoke in her lungs for a few moments and then exhales. It doesn’t feel that different than smoking a cigarette.

“It’s not super strong. We’ll just smoke a little.” Cosima promises her. “I won’t get you like, super stoned tonight.”

“Why not?” Delphine assumed that was the goal of ingesting such substances.

“Mostly… stoned sex isn’t that good.” Cosima laughs. “Or it is… for the stoned person. But not for their partner. I mean if we are both totally baked it won’t make a difference.”

Delphine laughs again and takes another hit.

“Come on.” Cosima stubs out her joint on a small ashtray. “We should go eat.”

* * *

The days pass in a pleasant haze of sex and love. Cosima shows her around but they spend a lot of time tangled up in Cosima’s bed. Usually sober. Eager to soak in every moment they can with each other.

“I don’t want to leave you. Toi me manques déjà." Delphine speaks freely clutching at Cosima. “I want to be your girlfriend. I want … I want everything Cosima.”

Cosima looks her over and is kissing her fiercely in response. “I love you.” Their lips collide together again, and it’s overwhelming in its intensity. Cosima wants her too. Cosima needs her too. They can do this. Even if it hurts.

“Je t’aime aussi… and that is why…” Delphine tries to find the words. Find a way to tell Cosima what she wants to do. 

  
  


“Here.” Cosima removes the necklace. The chain is not a chain at all, but leather, the tiny charm, a golden heart, secured in by knots.

  
“What?”

“Have this… to remember me by.” Cosima puts it around Delphine’s neck and refastens the metal clasp. 

“But… you wear this a lot." Delphine objects, but only briefly.

“Now you’ll always have my heart.” Cosima quips with a winning smile, kissing her softly. “Come on. I’ll drive you to the airport.”

“OK.” Delphine agrees. And maybe, maybe this is enough. She has Cosima’s heart. And Cosima has hers. Maybe they can bear the separation, the heartbreak. If they can be together again, that will make it alright again.


	19. Tender

_Cosima_

_June 1, 2018_

Cosima finishes her workday, she keeps to her agreement with Delphine to keep things professional in the office. She’d behaved herself all week, though occasionally wanted to peek in on Delphine working. But the clock quickly approaches 6 pm. Madison has long since gone home, Daniel too. The lab is quiet except for the sounds of frantic typing coming from Delphine’s office. It is definitely late enough for their planned dinner.

Cosima wraps up her work for the day the best she can. Quickly making a point form list for tasks for Monday. It can wait. It can all wait. She’s let Delphine work without interruption all day. She thinks that is enough, that it shows Delphine she can do both, she can be her girlfriend and work in close proximity. 

Delphine sits going through her files. “Bonjour Cosima.”

“So… are we still on for dinner tonight?” Cosima asks, moving around Delphine’s office door. Her hands to her hips. She shows off, just a little. This still works on Delphine. The thought makes her smile more.

“Oui.” Delphine answers her absent-mindedly, rubbing at her head. 

  
“Mmm a home cooked meal. My cozy apartment…” Cosima tries to make it sound appealing. Something was off. The last week had been fine, and yet, she worried something was off.

“It sounds wonderful.” Delphine stops working. “Shall we walk?”

“Yup. Just got to lock up the lab.”

And she remembers to lock up this time, with Delphine beside her everything feels better somehow.

They walk hand in hand through campus and while Delphine seems nervous she doesn’t let go of her hand either.

“How are you? Like really?” Cosima asks. She needs to know. She can’t do much about anything she doesn’t know about.

  
Delphine hesitates. “I’m fine… I… I am getting used to all this. I never got the chance to last time.”

“I know.” Cosima nods. “But trust me. Toronto. U of T campus… you can be as queer as you want.” She didn’t want to promise Delphine that she’d never encounter homophobia, because inevitably, she would along the way. But she needs to reassure her. As much as possible.

“I haven’t told anyone yet.” Delphine admits somewhat guiltily. “I spoke with my brother again but…”

“It can feel hard.” Cosima acknowledges. She remembers this, remembers going through this with a partner or two before in her youth. “But it gets easier.” It feels oddly fair that she’s going to have to help Delphine through this. Maybe she was paying off her karma from before. 

“I told him I was seeing someone. I didn’t go into detail but I didn’t lie either.” Delphine bites her lip. “I didn’t tell him you were a woman. Or that…”

“Wait, that’s a start.” Cosima objects. “Then you just slip into conversation that my name is Cosima and I’m a woman.” It’s a reasonable tactic, maybe one Delphine would find more comfortable than bridging conversations about sexual orientation.

“I think he’d recognize your name. He remembers I think. ” Delphine considers. “Your name was thrown around a few times then. And ...I’ve never met another Cosima.”

“So? You’ve spent the last week and a bit in and out of bed with me. It’s not like you’re still… You’re still embarrassed?” Cosima feels weaker at the thought. All the sex in the world wouldn’t change that. Not unless Delphine wants it to.

“Non.” Delphine shakes her head. “I want to be with you.” Delphine sounds firm, resolved. 

Cosima stops, smiling and pulls Delphine in for a soft kiss. “I want to be with you too.”

Delphine kisses her back, long arms go around her body and she sighs in response. This is working out just fine. And after tonight, Cosima thinks to herself, any doubts Delphine has about getting what she needs should be gone.

“So what’s for dinner?”

“Crispy tofu, peanut noodles and steamed veg.” Cosima grins. Pleased she’d done most of the prep this morning. All that was left was to reheat the sauce, cook the noodles and fry the prepped tofu. It should be quick enough, Cosima thinks. 

“Takeout?” Delphine teases her just a little. 

“Nope. Homemade.” Cosima is eager to try to impress. Even though her culinary repertoire was admittedly limited.

“Sounds wonderful. I am quite hungry.”

“It is basically ready to go.” Cosima assures Delphine leading her up towards her apartment. 

  
She cooks and Delphine hangs out with her, kissing her readily. Delphine is really all over her, Cosima muses while her tofu sizzles away on the one decent frying pan she owns. The peanut sauce warms up on her other burner and she’s opted to cook the rice noodles with the kettle and a large bowl. Not bad, for a bachelor without a full kitchen. Cosima thinks. 

Delphine is eager, hands gripping her hips, tongue easing its way insistently into her mouth as the blonde backs her up against a wall.

  
“Cosima…” Delphine moans into her mouth. Whatever weird distance Delphine had been trying to keep in the lab this week was fast melting away now that they were alone together again.

“Hey… hey… let’s eat first.” Cosima reminds her, cupping Delphine’s face in her hands. 

  
“I just… I want to _be_ with you.” Delphine emphasizes. Her hands are still on Cosima’s waist, moving downwards. 

  
“And you will be. Dinner will be done in like… less than ten minutes. And then we’ll eat.” Cosima soothes her. “Otherwise we’ll have to eat between rounds of lovemaking and let me tell you… I don’t think I want to get peanut sauce on my sheets. I only have one spare set and…” Cosima tilts her head and shoots Delphine a knowing look.

“I… Yes… I am aware things are often messy with you.” Delphine acknowledges. 

  
“Uhh you mean with you.” Cosima corrects. “But I am so not complaining.”

Delphine releases her. “Alright. We will eat first.”

  
“Good.” Cosima smiles widely. “Because I have a limited number of things I can make in this tiny ass kitchenette. And I am trying to impress you Delphine Cormier.”

“You already have.” Delphine tells her softly. And it’s enough. So very enough. 

Delphine is pleased with dinner, Cosima thinks, when she serves it to Delphine in one of her two matching pasta bowls she’d picked up at a thrift store not long ago. She will have to rectify that in the coming months, especially as she is increasingly intent on cohabitation if all goes well.

  
“It’s good.” Delphine assures her, and begins to eat. 

“Do you want chopsticks?” Cosima offers, grabbing a pair for herself out of a drawer. And it’s going well, Cosima decides, easing herself down across the tiny table from Delphine.

  
“No. I don’t know how.” Delphine grimaces quickly. “Never really learned.”

“Noted. So… big questions?” Cosima asks playfully.

Delphine hums and then looks back at her across the table. “Do you think it’s immoral to consume meat?”

“Oooh.” Cosima shakes her head but she’s still smiling. “The vegetarian question comes out.”

“I am wondering how all this began.” Delphine waves her hand across the table. And it may be a little more personal than how this game began, but isn’t that just a natural evolution of it all?

“Well when I was like 21… I took up with this girl a couple years older and she was a vegetarian. And so much stuff I never thought of… the destructive nature of animal agriculture… how much water and grain and resources go into feeding the animals that we eat. Factory farming is…gross. Really really gross. So...I opted out. My cognitive dissonance could go no further.” Cosima responds honestly.

“Could you be with a woman who still eats meat?” Delphine asks. “Hypothetically, of course.”

“Umm I guess so…” Cosima wonders how much she should give away, it’s not like it was really hypothetical. “I mean, I’d like prefer it if we were both vegetarian at home. But I am not in the business of making other people’s choices for them. Wrestle with your own cognitive dissonance. It is not on me.” 

“I understand that.” Delphine looks thoughtful for a moment between forkfuls of noodles and crispy tofu. 

“So is it my turn for a big question?” Cosima wonders for a minute what she can get away with.

“Alright.”

“Why did you really break up with Jerome?”

“That… that is not a big question.” Delphine objects initially, and maybe she shouldn’t have asked.

  
“No but… you decided to pretend to still be dating him years after you broke up.” Cosima shrugs. “So… what was the reason? Was it just that you didn’t love him?”

“I didn’t love him.” Delphine confirms, looking a little somber. “But… more than that… we… we didn’t agree on things.”

  
“Like?”

“Like me pursuing academia. Like….” Delphine looks around seeming more agitated. “Like anything outside of bed. Inside it… was all well and good for the most part.”

“Other than the not loving him part.” Cosima points out wanting to stop the mental pictures of Delphine having hot sex with Jerome. She assumed he would have wanted Delphine’s love. Who wouldn’t?

“I do think that would have bothered him in the end, if he’d known.” Delphine finishes simply. “As it was… we couldn’t get along. And I broke up with him abruptly during my PhD.”

“How did he not know you didn’t love him?” Cosima shakes her head. “Did you like… lie?”

“Only a little.” Delphine admits softly. “Just enough. And… only in bed.”

“Wow…” Cosima shakes her head. “Just...wow…” 

“I’m sorry.” Delphine apologizes. 

“You don’t have to apologize to me.” Cosima shakes her head. “Just… don’t lie to me, OK?”

“I won’t. I promise I won’t.” Delphine tells her, one hand reaching across the small table to bridge the distance between them.

  
“Good.” 

When dinner is done, Cosima thinks to offer a movie, to snuggle up with Delphine on the couch. But Delphine has other plans, she helps her clean up. Cosima can’t stop being amused at that. But it is better they don’t leave things out.

“Dinner was lovely. Thank you.” Delphine gives her a soft kiss. “Next time, we should make dinner at my apartment. I have more kitchen stuff and it will be easier. I have an actual oven.”

“Hey. Don’t diss the toaster oven. Friend of desperate students everywhere.” Cosima jokes pleasantly, but leans in to kiss Delphine softly.

“I will cook for you next time, ma chérie.” Delphine offers happily, pulling her into her arms. Cosima goes willingly. It’s easy. So easy to love Delphine. She presses their lips together slowly, again and again knowing where this will lead. She doesn’t need to rush. There doesn’t have to be a desperate rush, Cosima reminds herself. She can go slowly.

They move together, back towards the bedroom alcove, shedding clothes as they go. Delphine’s tongue teases hers out to play, stroking and toying with her. Cosima feels herself get hot pressed against Delphine’s half-exposed skin.  
  
“I love you.” Cosima moans, unable to help herself. Screw trying to be cool about this. Screw pretending she isn’t desperately in love with Delphine again already.

Delphine says nothing, only kisses her deeper in response. Her dress is lifted over her head and Delphine sets in on removing her bra with quick nimble fingers. No sooner than has she managed to undress Delphine than is the française pushing her back against her bed.

“Let me…” Delphine begs softly, and Cosima does.

It’s as easy as it is urgent, lips clinging, hands mapping limbs. Delphine moves to touch her first, to stroke her, then two fingers slide easily into her. It feels loving, Cosima thinks, and maybe that is enough. Maybe this is Delphine’s response.

“Ohhh.” Cosima moans, losing track of her plans for their lovemaking momentarily.

“Comme ça?” Delphine stimulates her with her thumb as she continues her insistent rhythm inside. It’s neither fast nor slow, but hitting her just right. Or maybe she’s just in the right mood. Either way she is not complaining.

“Yes… fuck… exactly like that.” Cosima manages to get out and then she’s pressed down and moaning under an increasingly amorous Delphine. And it’s perfect, so fucking perfect she wonders why she didn’t realize this sooner. 

“Uh…. uhh…” Cosima moans out, tiny sobs of pleasure and Delphine is intent on bringing her to orgasm first. Something she hadn’t anticipated. Delphine kisses her breasts, along her ribs and back up to her neck.

“T’es belle.” Delphine croons down at her, continuing her movements. “I love the way you look at me. I want you to kiss me.”

Cosima does, straining upwards and Delphine adjusts to kiss her, trying to maintain her movements as she does. But the angle falters a little and they wordlessly readjust to compensate.

  
Cosima relaxes into the onslaught, even as she tenses around Delphine’s questing digits. She comes easily with a low moan and arches up. 

She is still shuddering when Delphine withdraws slowly, leaning down against her once more. Kissing her mouth again and again. 

Delphine slowly lets her roll her to her back and Cosima touches her, first with her fingers and then moving down to use her mouth. She needs to do this first. Needs to make sure Delphine is as sexually excited as possible before she tries to drag out one of her new toys.

“You taste so good.” Cosima moans, and hums into swollen silky-wet flesh. She needs this. Craves it so deeply. Maybe it doesn't matter if it is ever fully reciprocated. Delphine is pretty damn good with her hands. 

  
The blonde grips her dreads and thrashes slightly under her mouth, she sucks, she swirls her tongue flicking. Cosima worships Delphine here, trapped between strong thighs. And wonders if it will ever be enough?

Delphine too, comes easily. It wasn’t as if she was teasing. She has no intentions of making Delphine beg. Not just yet anyway. She wants to overwhelm Delphine with pleasure. Wants to push the boundaries of her own stamina to achieve it. Wants their lovemaking to be perfect.

“Where… where are you going?” Delphine looks puzzled as Cosima pushes herself up over Delphine once again. She wipes her mouth off quickly on her sheets and smiles down at her lover. 

“I’ll be right back.” Cosima promises softly, she leans forward to kiss Delphine’s mouth softly, and then her forehead. She presses herself up out of bed and strides to her washroom in the nude. 

  
Cosima quickly closes the door behind her and opens the lower cupboard. The harness she’d stashed in here earlier is still there, as are her two newly arrived and washed dildos. Feeldoe or traditional strap-on? Cosima wonders. She wonders if Delphine would prefer one over the other. She opts for the more familiar, thinking the other toy can wait until she and Delphine have done this together a few times. Cosima easily grasps the turquoise phallus and inserts it snugly into the underwear harness. She thinks it looks good, but wonders if she made a mistake going for non-realistic? Maybe Delphine would have preferred something more flesh-coloured?

  
Either way, it’ll feel the same. Cosima decides it doesn't matter, and opens the bathroom door. She emerges with a teasing grin. “So… what do you think?” She asks Delphine. 

“What...why?” Delphine looks up at her from her place, lying exposed on the bed. Delphine eyes the toy and then the harness. “What… what are you planning?”

“Maybe I just want to have really deep sex with the woman I love.” Cosima shrugs. She wants to give her everything.

“Cosima…” She sighs, and it’s beautiful. Cosima moves to kneel on the bed. She cannot resist.

“Let me do it.” Cosima offers, nibbling at her neck, and then her ear. She thinks she can convince Delphine. She’s already in the harness after all, it’s not like it’ll be much work for Delphine. Delphine can just lay back and enjoy it if she wants.

“Alright.” Delphine agrees, a little less enthusiastically than she would like. But she can convince Delphine that this will be good for both of them. That she can enjoy this without accompanying sensation.

  
Cosima kisses Delphine again, trying to tempt her. She knows Delphine is still aroused, but she needs to take her time. She tests her with fingers first, and doesn’t think they’ll need the lube in the bedside drawer. Smiling, she continues pleasuring Delphine with her hands.

“Now?” Delphine asks. But the blonde’s hands avoid the dildo, they are cautious to touch only Cosima’s body. Avoiding the harness and toy altogether. Does it make her nervous? Cosima wonders. Or is it just new?

  
“Please.” Cosima adjusts their position, sliding on top and using her hand to guide the toy slowly in. She stills watching as Delphine adjusts to it. Wonders how long it’s been since Delphine’s made love like this with anyone. She softly thrusts the toy inside, trying to be gentle. 

“It’s… not warm.” Delphine giggles a little.

  
“It’s silicone, baby. It will warm up as we go.” Cosima grins softly. She leans down, kissing Delphine again trying to make this mean something. It needs to mean something.

“Are you going to...move?” Delphine questions her when she’s pulled back from kissing Delphine senseless.

  
“This… this is all about you, Delphine. Your pleasure.” Cosima reminds her. 

“Fuck me.” Delphine says. And the words are so unexpected that Cosima looks down in shock for a minute. Delphine’s never been like that with her before and it makes her briefly uneasy before Delphine softens the words with a smile and fingers lightly caressing her dreads.

She is a little eager and thrusts eagerly, watching for Delphine’s reactions. Trying to figure out what Delphine likes. Delphine is watching her, her face, her breasts bouncing with their movements. She wonders what Delphine is thinking.

“Do you like it like this or…?” Cosima asks, pulling out to thrust slowly back in. “What… what do you like?”

  
“Stay deeper inside.” Delphine suggests, hands on her hips. She lets Delphine’s hands and hips guide her, Delphine clearly used to trying to get what she wants in these situations already.

Cosima pistons her hips gently. “More like this?” She tries to stay deep, to move slowly. She can always go faster if Delphine wants her to.

“Oui.” Delphine breathes out, closing her eyes. Her legs cross around Cosima’s lower back. Slowly their movements gain speed without roughness, thrusting giving way to more grinding. 

“Oh…” Cosima moans at the sight below her. Delphine clings to her body, beginning to pant more and more as they move together. 

Delphine pulls her back in to kiss, the blonde’s eyes stay closed but she kisses her softly, moans into her mouth. She kisses messily across her face and it’s delight, so much delight that Cosima cannot stop smiling. Delphine’s arms cling tightly around her body.

She pulls back just enough to look at her, to watch. The look on Delphine’s face makes everything worth it, the little moans emerging with every movement now. She is overcome with love, with tenderness, with emotion. Wants to give Delphine everything. Over and over again. 

  
“I love you Delphine…” Cosima sobs as she finds it harder and harder to move, Delphine’s inner muscles clamping down on the toy. “I love you.”

Delphine clings fiercely to her and silently shudders out her orgasm. Her head tilting back and mouth opening soundlessly.

Cosima continues riding out the orgasm until she feels Delphine’s body relax beneath her, she pulls out and quickly slides the harness down her hips tossing it onto the floor leaving the toy threaded through.

She clambers back on top of Delphine and presses down into her with her own body. Presses them together from breasts to thighs, leaning in as if to kiss her again.

  
“So… how did it feel?” Cosima asks, stroking sweaty curls back from Delphine’s face.

“It felt really good.” Delphine answers honestly. “But… I want _you_.”

“You have me.” Cosima assures her. “I was a part of it. I enjoyed it.” She feels the need to defend it, to insist that it was just as good. 

“Let me feel you.” Delphine demands, and it takes a few moments of fumbling hands against her skin for Cosima to realize what Delphine wants.

“Like… like this?” Cosima wonders as she moves up on her knees and spreads Delphine’s legs wide enough to trib against her, rubbing them sex to sex. She feels wet hair and then the soft slickness of her lover. Delphine is still sensitive, Cosima notes before rubbing down again. It feels pleasant enough but she knows she cannot get off like this. 

“Yes.” Delphine breathes, clutching at her ass, trying to pull her closer. Tiny flickers of pleasure in the mere seconds the contact is perfect, but it's difficult to sustain and Cosima resolves to try as long as she can.

She hovers above her, grinding and sliding until their frustration threatens to overwhelm them both. Delphine pulls her down frantically and rolls her over, moving her hands back down to pleasure her. 

  
“Au même temps.” Delphine insists, pulling Cosima’s hand to her again.

  
“Anything.” Cosima promises her, letting Delphine’s passion carry them both away.

* * *

  
The morning light finds them still tangled in Cosima’s bed. The sun has long since risen, neither lover wants to move. When they’d exhausted themselves making love, they’d cuddled and slept. And still neither has moved to get out of bed.

Delphine is kissing along her neck, moving to suck sleepily at Cosima’s skin when her phone begins to ring from the bedside table.

  
Cosima mumbles. “Your phone is going off.”

“I know…” Delphine glances at the number, but doesn’t say anything one way or another. “We can ignore it.”

Cosima pulls Delphine back into kiss, enjoying the feel of it. Even with morning breath, she was stupidly into this. They both were. 

“How are you feeling?” Cosima murmurs softly, letting her hands work lower, massaging gently along Delphine’s thighs. “Are you sore?”

“Not really.” Delphine brushes off her concern, yanking Cosima back in to kiss again.

The phone rings again and Cosima sighs. “Don’t answer it. Just stay in bed with me.”

“Whoever it is, he keeps calling.” Delphine pouts and reaches for her phone. "It's an American number."

  
“Fine… it’s your choice. Take a call from a weirdo who you may not even know or let me show you what you’re missing.” Cosima teases. Happy to try to continue their lovemaking from the night before. She thinks brunch and a walk are in order. Maybe they'll hang out all day. Maybe she'll end up at Delphine's tonight. Maybe they'll spend the whole weekend in bed with each other.

  
“Allo?” Delphine speaks into the phone, a look of shock quickly slipping over her.“Oncle Michel?” Delphine swaps to French quickly.

“Your uncle… the one?” Cosima’s face morphs as well, closer to disgust. She feels angry at the thought, even after so long. And she is sure she does not know everything.

“Oui. Je suis au Canada.” Delphine tells him. “Over a month now. I am working. So you’ve been talking to Mémé.”

Delphine sighs and switches the phone to speaker mode after motioning for Cosima to remain quiet. One finger pressed to her lips.

“What exactly are you doing? Maman said you were working with babies.” Michel’s voice rings out from the speaker phone. It is familiar enough, Cosima thinks. It hasn’t changed much.

“I am doing a post-doc, I am researching the immune systems of infants and looking at their microbiomes. I got my PhD last fall.”  
  


“I thought you’d just be a pediatrician in France, you know, that is plenty good enough. Though you’d make more money here. Canada won’t pay you as much as the USA. I could introduce you to some people. You could go into private practice.” Michel speaks and Cosima swears his accent has faded further in the last decade. He sounds almost American. Maybe, Cosima thinks grimly, so have his French ideals of liberty and the laissez-faire attitude about sex. 

“Well I wanted more. So I work in research.” Delphine summarizes quickly. “I was not expecting to hear from you.”

Cosima ponders her options, part of her wants to start talking or making moaning noises but she opts to let Delphine take control of this. It’s important. She needs to let Delphine do this.

“How are Emma and Thomas?” Delphine asks, clearly trying to change the subject.

“They’re 17 and 15. A little wild, but they’re good kids. Mostly. Makes me happy we have security cameras though.” 

Delphine grits her teeth, and she begins to look angry. “Yes. Yes I do recall you have security cameras. Everywhere but the nanny suite.”   
  
Cosima tries not to laugh inappropriately. It isn’t funny. She has to behave herself. Just long enough for Delphine to finish this phone call. Delphine grabs Cosima’s silk robe and ties it on. Whatever difference that makes.

Michel has the gall to sound casual. Casual after what he’d done to Delphine. “Well, it sounds like you’re doing well. Not married yet, but at least you’re out of that little phase of yours.”   
  
“It is funny you should mention that.” Delphine’s face becomes very tense.

“Why?” Michel asks curiously.

Delphine swallows. “Because Cosima is _here_.” 

Privately, Cosima wonders if Michel even remembers her name. He’d only met her twice, briefly. Even with her staying in the house. She seems to recall Delphine introducing the two of them shortly before Cosima left, and then again when Cosima came to bring her to San Francisco after the regular nanny had returned.

“That… that same girl? Cosima… Niehaus was it? In Canada? That is bizarre that you’d run into her again.”

“In the room.” Delphine tells him bluntly, almost angrily. “We share lab space at U of T, she’s a developmental psychology PhD student. She is pretty amazing too, while we’re on the subject.”

“You’re at work?” Michel doesn’t comment on the rest of it. “It’s Saturday morning. You need to take a break sometimes. Maybe you should come to LA for a few days this summer...”

“No. I’m at Cosima’s.” Delphine loses patience. “I think I should call you back later.”

“Hi Michel. Yeah. Delphine and I are kind of in the middle of something. She can call you back later.” Cosima tries to assert herself. To end this conversation before something worse happens.

“I will talk to you later.” Delphine tells him decisively. “Goodbye Oncle Michel.” Delphine clicks the phone off before her uncle can respond at all. 

“Wow… that was awkward.” Cosima comments after Delphine hangs up.

“It wasn’t a phase. I was _in love_ .” Delphine shakes her head, her voice breaking. Her eyes water and her face reddens so quickly Cosima finds herself surprised by the flood of emotion.

“Of course it wasn’t, baby.” Cosima strokes at her lover’s shoulders. “He’s just an idiot.”

  
“I was so in love.” Delphine cries again. “No one understood that. No one asked about love. It was… it was all about sex and identity and… what I’d done.”

  
“Yeah. Me too. Obvs.” Cosima tries to reassure Delphine. “It was totally about love. It still is, Delphine.” 

“Je t’aime.” Delphine tells her suddenly, leaning in to kiss her again. And Cosima is so elated she forgets to question anything. She kisses Delphine hungrily, wanting her love. 

“Show me.” Cosima mumbles into Delphine’s mouth. “Show me you love me.”

  
“I will.” Delphine promises, clambering back onto the bed and pushing Cosima down underneath her.


	20. Quand on est ensemble... tout me semble si beau

_ Delphine _

_ June 2, 2018  _

Cosima sighs beside her on the small couch. Having made a sufficient mess of Cosima’s tiny bachelor apartment they’d returned to the AirBnB. Admittedly, Delphine was glad for the company. She was not in the mood to reminisce about her very painful youth. At least her AirBNB had in unit laundry, Delphine has decided that is a must-have for the condo she plans to buy at the end of the summer. Maybe Cosima could help her find a place, Cosima knew the city better than she did. Cosima had been very gentle with her since the unfortunate phone call. And Delphine was finding she loved Cosima more, if anything.

Cosima had turned on a movie she’d brought. Fried Green Tomatoes. Delphine’s only request was to leave the English subtitles on to make it a little easier. She snuggles into Cosima, finding the film less… gay than she’d anticipated. But amusing all the same. 

“How are you feeling?” Delphine asks as the credits begin to roll. It had been a decent way to pass the afternoon. It also took away the need to talk everything to death. At least for the moment.

It’s not until it’s over, that Delphne is leaning in to Cosima’s neck kissing intently. She loves her. Wants to have her again. Wants the brief perfect oblivion that making love to Cosima provides. It seems to blot out everything else, even just for a few blissful minutes.

“I’m sore.” Cosima laughs a little when Delphine moves to lean over her again.   
  
“I’m sorry.” Delphine apologizes. She didn’t want that, maybe she’d been too rough with Cosima? Maybe they should use lube after all? Delphine regrets not purchasing any, she didn’t think she’d need any with Cosima. She hadn’t back then.

  
“I’m not… we just kept...going. And… my vag says no more.” Cosima giggles. “At least for a little while. Try me again in a few hours.”

“I didn’t mean to make you sore.” Delphine nuzzles into Cosima’s cheek. “I don’t think that’s what you wanted when you asked me to show you I love you.”

“No… but you were fantastic.” Cosima closes her eyes for a moment. “I felt like you really wanted me. And… that was honestly more than enough on its own.”

“I love you.” Delphine tells her simply. Cosima craves those words as much now as she did then. Cosima kisses her back softly for a moment or two before she pulls away.

“Did you like the movie?”

“I think so. It was a bit sad. Very… very much focused on friendship and intense bonds.” Delphine decides. Complex themes indeed. She wonders why Cosima chose this movie, surely there were more… homoerotic things Cosima could choose.

Cosima looks back at her, eyes wide.“Intense bonds? Idgie and Ruth were like totally in love. The other two, yeah that was a friendship. An important one. But Idgie and Ruth were like...totally doing it.” Cosima informs her matter-of-factly. 

“Perhaps.” Delphine has to agree. The relationship between the two women seems intense but not explicitly sexual or romantic in nature. She wonders why Cosima called this film a lesbian classic. But apparently her education in lesbian media will continue.

“What do you mean perhaps?” Cosima laughs and then eyes her with an amused glint in her eyes. “Do you think… Idgie like… did Ruth when she was pregnant?”

“Cosima… I am not even convinced that they were gay.” Delphine finds her brow furrowing. It seems… a little inconclusive. Or at least like whoever made the film wanted to hide it. And she’s honestly not sure why  _ that _ matters one way or another.

  
Cosima shakes her head laughing. “Oh they were totally gay for each other. I’ve read the book. No sex mentioned, but definitely mentioned how in love Idgie and Ruth were.”

“Alright. So they were in love.” Delphine shrugs. “This… this movie was so sad and you’re… thinking about them having sex?’

“Yep. A lot of lesbian films are sad. You kind of get used to it.” Cosima stretches upwards. “I think the happy endings are underrated. More lesbian romcoms please.”

Delphine sobers momentarily, perhaps that is a theme she’ll have to get used to as well. Or at least the… social challenges of it. “Have you… encountered homophobia?”

“Umm yeah. Of course I have. Delphine, there is not an LBGTQ identified person alive who hasn’t at some point or another. And yes, that includes back home in lovely, gay San Fran.” Cosima summarizes quickly.

“And I will too.” Delphine surmises glumly shifting her weight on the couch.   
  


“I think you already have.” Cosima sighs. “And yes, you probably will again.”

“How do you live like this?”   
  


“Well, honestly, I don’t have a choice. It’s not like I can make myself straight or bi. And aside from that one time in university I got curious… Never happened. Never going to happen. I can’t pretend to be something I am not. I can’t even hold my tongue in situations where I know it might get me in trouble. So I live with the risks. But I find places where they are lower. Where I know it’s safer to be queer.” Cosima explains.

“You… you’ve been with a man?” Delphine furrows her brow. Unable to imagine it. It feels wrong, instantly. Something that simply shouldn’t have happened.

  
“Like one time.” Cosima brushes it off. “The point is… not everyone is going to be chill with us as a couple. And you’ll need to accept that at some point or this is never going to work.”

“What… like an experiment?” Instantly, unfairly, she hates the idea of Cosima having sex with a boy. Delphine tries to remain level headed, curious.

“Yes, that one time I drunkenly let a dude rail me in his dorm room for science.” Cosima groans in frustration. “Can we just get back to more important subjects now?’

“It just… surprises me.” Delphine tries to relax. 

“I am infinitely curious.” Cosima shrugs. “Again, as I said, not important.”

  
“OK. I won’t ask again.” Delphine assures her. But part of her wonders about the experience. If it had pleased Cosima. If such a thing could. 

“So do you want to talk about it?” Cosima clearly doesn’t want to tackle that subject.

“I guess we have to.” Delphine agrees reluctantly.

“So… what really happened when you went back home? What… what don’t I know?” Cosima turns to face her. Dark eyes wide and vulnerable. Soft.

  
And Delphine decides to give in. Maybe, maybe if she tells Cosima she will start to understand.  


* * *

  
  


_ September 2007 _

Delphine flips through her new textbooks and her course syllabus. Her master calendar is well underway, four days into the new term. She will be prepared, will achieve. Her bedroom is fairly disorganized, aside from her desk and calendar which have been painstakingly arranged for the term.

She must achieve, must get this degree done as quickly as possible so she can return to Cosima. Delphine glances at her phone but she hasn’t heard much from Cosima since leaving. Annoyed, she stalks Cosima’s Facebook profile.

Delphine skims through, finding few changes from yesterday. Why hadn’t Cosima reached out?

Nothing there either. Delphine sighs. A picture of Cosima’s new digs in student housing and another picture of the five girls together. Absently Delphine wonders if they’re all gay. If they’re friends or just housemates.

She picks up her phone. It had been three days since she’d heard from Cosima. And it hurts more than she’d imagined. 

  * Toi me manques.



  
Delphine sends the simple message and waits. The darn time difference. But within minutes her phone dings, the response has been received.

  * I miss you too!



Cosima’s message eases her mind.

  * Skype?
  * Please.



  
Delphine sets aside her work and boots up Skype. Cosima logs in quickly and the ringing soothes her. 

“Hey.” Cosima’s voice rings out through the speakers before her face appears.

“Hey.” Delphine answers.

“I love you.” Cosima smiles sadly at her from her place on an unfamiliar bed. 

“So… new house?” Delphine knows this, thanks to social media. But she asks anyway.

“Student house. Closer to campus. I did the same thing last year. But my lease is only like… eight months. So no long term commitments.” Cosima leans forward into the frame.

“How are you?”

“I miss you. Obvs. But things are ok. My new housemates are pretty chill, and like classes are fine. It’s going to be a busy term.”

“I understand that.” Delphine agrees, knowing she’s taken on a heavy course load. She keeps her voice low, she doesn’t want them to be overheard.

“Sooo how are things?”

“They’re...fine?” Delphine answers quizzically. “I’ve started my courses again. It’s a heavier term, but I am enjoying microbiology and biochemistry. I feel like I’m nearing the end of my baccalaureate. I think.. I think I could be done before 2009.” She tells Cosima this hopefully. 

“That’s great.” Cosima nods casually, but her eyes are constantly moving.

“It is.” Delphine agrees. Why hasn’t Cosima asked? Shouldn’t they try to plan a visit? Plan...something? 

“Do you want to try something with me?” Cosima asks hopefully.

“Try what?” Delphine is asking as she sees a flash of fabric go over Cosima’s head. Her lover sits nude in front of her laptop. And she can see almost everything.

“So?” Cosima tilts her head irresistibly. Her lover stretches and shows off her breasts before leaning back, almost splaying herself before her. Pale olive skin bared before her, Cosima crossing her legs after a moment or two. It’s an invitation, not a demand.

  
“Cosima…” Delphine sighs, eyes wide. “I… I live with my parents.” As much as she enjoys looking at Cosima, it makes her wish she could touch her more. And… this is one thing she does not want to be caught doing.

“So… we’ll be quiet.” Cosima assures her. “Take off your clothes.”

Delphine hesitates biting her lip before she begins to comply. She sheds her clothing, and sits, knees to her chest, on her chair once again. She wants to look good for her, she wants to please her.

“You’re wearing my necklace.” Cosima notes with a wide smile.

“I am. I wear it a lot now.” Delphine tells her and reaches to adjust her laptop with her hand. If she is going to do this, she is going to do her best to make it good for both of them.

“Wait don’t like...change the angle.” Cosima tells her quickly.

“You… you’d rather look at my…” Delphine laughs and shakes her head. She supposes she could, but that feels awkward. Then again, it’s nothing Cosima hasn’t seen, felt, or tasted before. 

“No. I’d rather see your face.” Cosima assures her. “Keep the camera where it is.”

Delphine smiles, this feels… real enough. “What do you want?” She is happy to give what she can, to reconnect in whatever way they can.

“I want to touch you…” Cosima teases her, voice soft. “I want to be inside you. I want to feel you against my body.”

“We can’t do that.”

“We can.” Cosima pleads with her. “Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. Tell me how you want to touch me.”   
  


Delphine bites her lip, aroused. “Run your hands down your body. Touch your breasts.” And she looks at the screen, enjoying when Cosima does. 

They continue and Cosima willingly fondles and touches herself in front of her, eventually her little noises give way to pants of breath and Delphine feels herself flushed and aroused by it all. But she watches, more interested in Cosima. In Cosima’s pleasure. 

“Push inside.” Delphine demands. And she watches Cosima’s face as she does. 

“Touch yourself.” Cosima pleads with her, and Delphine does, realizing that Cosima wants this just as badly. That Cosima  _ wants _ to see her come. She becomes eager, she shows off and moans and tries to make it as enjoyable as possible, for both of them.  


She slips inside herself, something she is not truly used to doing and it’s not the same. Not quite as good as Cosima's fingers; but she looks into Cosima’s warm brown eyes and moves in tandem with her until they come. Cosima first, and then herself and it thrills her. It can be enough, for now, Delphine thinks. It can work.

“Holy shit that was hot.” Cosima giggles happily from her place on her bed. 

“It was.” Delphine agrees. “We… we can do that again.” Certainly, it is the most logical solution to their separation. To meet their sexual needs like this until they can hold each other again. December is only four months away, they could visit then. And then maybe in the summer Cosima could come to Paris. There is certainly room for her in this house and they could spend a few more weeks together. She imagines making love to Cosima in her bed. Imagines walking hand in hand with her through Paris. Taking her to her favourite places, playing tourist, making love again...  


“It was good.” Cosima bites her lip, a mimicry of one of her own habits. They are rubbing off on each other, they are becoming...more alike? Delphine wonders what five years with Cosima would do. What ten years together would make of them both.

  
“I am happy it was.” Delphine reaches towards the screen. But it’s only an image of Cosima.

“I would totally cuddle you now if I could.” Cosima tells her as if she can read her mind. “I wish you were here with me. You’re way better company than my housemates.”

“I want to come see you.” Delphine tells her intensely. “I want...I want you to come visit me here. I… I can be done university in a year and a half if I go through the summer. Or… if not….”   
  


“Delphine...It’s OK.” Cosima shakes her head. “You don’t have to promise me anything. I will love you just the same.”

“You will?”   
  


“Yes. I will.” Cosima looks at her, as if she can convey her sincerity like this.

  
And Delphine feels reassured. They are still in love. There’s still hope. 

They talk for another twenty minutes before Cosima has to go for an afternoon class. And Delphine blows her several kisses as they hang up. And maybe it is silly, but it feels right to try.

Delphine logs off and sighs. It’s not enough. How could it ever be enough? But surely having Cosima like this was better than not having Cosima at all. Her fantasies have been fixated on Cosima, on being with Cosima, on holding her. This didn’t satisfy her longing.

She opts to shower quickly. It’s evening and she knows it isn’t unusual for her to shower before bed. It isn’t suspicious at all.

She slowly redresses, it’s not like it matters what she does. She wanders back downstairs to find her mother sitting rather stiffly at the kitchen table pointedly staring at a cup of espresso. 

“Your uncle called.” Brigitte sounds awkward. 

“What do you mean?” Delphine tries to play dumb, only for a minute or two. Surely this cannot be about her and Cosima. Maybe, maybe it will be nothing after all.

“You and your…  _ amoureuse _ on your uncle’s security cameras. How could you be so stupid? In their home Delphine?! You know how … Lisa est folle. Absolument folle… Mais c’est sa maison! And you.. You… What were you thinking?!” She hasn’t seen her mother like this before. It almost frightens her but Delphine sits 

“The cameras… they… have video of me with Cosima?” Delphine repeats weakly. She thought they’d be careful. That there was no way they’d have footage of her and Cosima entwined. It is humiliating, embarrassing to be captured like that.    
  


‘Yes. Video of you with Cosima. Naked and kissing in the pool.” Her mother continues angrily. “I am not sure how to talk to my own brother now. Lisa is livid. She won’t have you back in the house. She’s threatening to not let the kids see Mémé at Christmas because you might be there! I don’t know if Michel will keep talking to me!”

“Has she turned you lesbian, this girl?” Her father chimes in from behind them. “Is that what has happened?”

“I… I…” And Delphine doesn’t have an answer. She should but she still doesn’t.

“They’ll never let you go back. This is worse than having a boyfriend to Lisa. Far worse.” Her maman continues angrily. “You’ve embarrassed me.”

Delphine continues with the conversation until her parents have expunged their frustrations. She talks very little. There’s nothing to say. She won’t apologize for loving Cosima. And maybe it’s better they know. She could bring Cosima to meet them when she’s convinced her lover to visit.

No one asks about love. It is all anger and accusations and questions about sexuality. 

When she goes to bed Delphine texts Cosima again, just two words. _Je_ _t’aime_. It will have to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realistically the conversation with Delphine's parents should be in French, but I decided to prioritize reader comprehension.


End file.
